It’s been 3 years since we’ve signed those papers. And since then, so much has changed.
I remember when I moved out of our home, I felt a sense of relief. Perhaps you’d ask me how I could be so cold-hearted, and I’m sure it was really hard for you. But what you might not have known was that long before the decision was made, I already went through many nights of grief and pain, until my tears could finally start to dry.
No one back then, except for my therapist, really supported my decision. Despite the lack of approval, I still had to do it. I had to save our relationship, before resentment destroys the love we had for each other, and I had to save myself, before all parts of myself would fade away.
Many of us envisioned beautiful dreams for the rest of our lives, and yet life might often have other plans for us.
But we’ve tried, didn’t we? God knows we’ve tried.
No one taught us how to take care of our relationships, or even ourselves, and no one could teach us how to save ourselves, or even our relationships.
But we’ve tried, didn’t we? We’ve tried the best we could, we really did.
Perhaps one day you could forgive me. But first, please at least don’t be too hard on yourself.
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It’s been 3 years since we parted ways. And since then, so much has changed.
Since then, I’ve been on a journey, reconnecting with lost parts of myself. And I’ve learned so much, about myself, about life, and about relationships.
And I’ve experienced so much, if only you could know. Life showed me so many new possibilities, and keeps showing me so much more.
Sometimes, I do wonder if I knew what I know today, perhaps our marriage could have been saved. Sometimes, remembering the shattered dreams between us still hurts. And yet life is still worth living, there is so much more to experience.
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I haven’t always been strong. To be honest, I’ve been weak so many times.
It’s been 3 years since I began my healing journey. Healing from our divorce, and then healing myself.
It’s been hard, and it’s been really really hard at times.
Rebuilding my life all by myself has been really really hard at times.
But at the same time, for such a long time, I began to feel excited. Excited for life, excited for what the future might have for me.
Excited for becoming the woman I want to become. Or rather, the woman who I’ve always been, but has been hidden within me for such a long time.
As women, we are expected to be self-sacrificing, and to hang on while fulfilling the many different roles expected from us.
And yet there is nothing more feminine than to reconnect with the wild woman in us and to reclaim who we truly are.
And for the first time, after a long time, I’ve been experiencing the full spectrum of who I am. For the first time, after a long time, I’m falling deeper and deeper in love with life, as I’m experiencing all the colors of life.
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I love you, I will always love you.
You have been, and will always be, family to me.
It’s said that friendship is one of the most beautiful forms of love. To me, you are also a dear friend, a soulmate and a kindred spirit.
Sometimes, it would still hurt to remember what could have been. But I’m still grateful that you have been part of my life, and will always be, no matter who you become to me.
And I hope that one day, when we are too old to remember all the pain and hurt that was once there, then we can smile and tell each other, how wonderful life has been, how wonderful our child has grown.
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Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.
If you find this interesting, feel free to check out other related articles:
Breaking Up — Sometimes, the Only Way to Save a Relationship
Behind Strong Attractions — The Magnetic Pull Between Us And Our Wound Counterparts
Why Marriage Counseling Didn’t Work For Me And What I Wish I Knew
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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