Single and Alone? You’re Not Alone

Heading into my late twenties off the back of a consecutive run of relationships, I decided I needed to know what it felt like to really be on my own. I don’t mean independence — these are two different concepts, and independence I felt fully-fledged in — but alone in a non-partnered sense, i.e., not in a committed romantic relationship. I had this idea that it would be transformational. And in some ways it has been. But there’s also a lot I underestimated about the day-to-day reality of moving through this world mostly alone.

Not helped by living alone during a 2 year pandemic in one of the world’s most locked-down cities, my time as a single person has been marked by feelings of intense loneliness. Certain that I wasn’t alone in these feelings, I went searching for content that would provide some sort of comfort, like a gentle hold of the hand reassuring me that yes, your feelings are valid, and yes, sometimes being single does suck.

Instead, I found a bunch of self-helpy platitudes that, while helpful for some I’m sure, weren’t entirely helpful for me at all. They told me to love myself first, to not wait for anyone to do the things I want to, and to find fulfilment in the other relationships in my life.

But here’s the thing — I’ve done all of those things. I treat myself with love and respect. I haven’t waited for anyone to do many of the things I’ve wanted to, and my platonic relationships cup is immensely full.

But I still feel lonely.

The truth is, I have no interest in doing most things on my own anymore. I’ve travelled alone, a lot. I’ve dated myself. I’m financially secure, and the 60sqm of property I occupy is mine. And whilst I adore my friendships, there are some voids they just can’t fill.

So instead of providing some wise adage about how to thrive on your own and that you don’t need another person to complete you etc., I want you to know that if you too feel this way, I get it. And while we may not be alone in our feelings of loneliness, we are, quite often literally and in a physical sense, alone.

I’m mindful that there will be a lot of single people who don’t feel this way, and truly I’m thrilled for them. My intent is not to further fuel unhelpful societal narratives that your life’s purpose is to find a significant other, or that people can’t truly be happy on their own. But this is my honest account of how I feel, and I am sure I’m not the only one.

It feels extremely vulnerable to admit loneliness, because we are constantly told that we need to be okay on our own before we can be okay with someone else. To be content within ourselves. But as I have realised, you can be all of these things and still not want to go through life as a single person forever. You can be independent and still desire deep romantic connection.

If this resonates with you, well, you’re not alone. Except, you kind of are. And so am I. I don’t know how long you’ve been feeling this way or how long it’s going to last, but for now, let’s make the most of the freedom that comes with eating ice-cream and Tim Tams for dinner and the other weird shit we do because no one is watching.

Your friend in loneliness,

Claire.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer

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