Want your partner to willingly participate in your fantasies? It’s not as hard as you may think.
Guys, let’s be real. We all have sex on the brain. Not as much as women or society in general may think we do, but it definitely has a comfortable place carved out in our limbic system. Chances are that you have no plans on redecorating your melon and kicking it to the curb anytime soon.
If you’re sick of thinking and dreaming about the best sex you’ve never had, it’s time to start having the best sex you’ll ever have. To be clear, I’m not speaking in terms of gender here. These fantasies can involve any combination of gender pairings and I lay out all this information with absolutely no judgment to your sexual orientation or proclivities.
When people think of a sexual fantasy they typically picture the naughty nurse, hot teacher or sexy librarian but a fantasy can run the gamut from extremely tame to friggin’ scary.
I have a high school friend, Andy. Many of us had our sincere beliefs that he was gay back in high school, but it took a few years for him to come out. His fantasy is Latino busboys. I’m telling you this to let you know that not every fantasy comes straight out of a porn movie.
When I played ice hockey (as an adult) I thought it would be pretty cool to enjoy the company of my then-wife in either the locker room after a game or in the penalty box, a place that was like a second home to me.
It, of course, never happened and she thought I was weird for wanting that. Really weird, in fact. Our overweight backup goalie, who, for some reason wanted to be known as “Cornbread,” ended up scoring in the locker room one night,
I thought the fact that he scored would help my argument. As I would soon find out, I was wrong.
“Cornbread had sex in the locker room tonight,” I told my wife as we were driving home from yet another win during an undefeated season. “If he can surely we can give it a shot.” Once again I was denied.
Bringing up the S-word to your wife, girlfriend or partner can be a scary thing, because you never now how they will react, but it doesn’t have to be. Fantasies don’t mean you’re weird or kinky and there is no reason your partner should be offended.
Whether it’s role playing, having sex in places where you might get caught or a threesome with your significant other and their BFF you can approach them and make hotter sex a reality.
• Start Slow
If you approach your partner with a costume, script or whip you’ll most likely get shut down in a hurry! Start by telling them you had a wild dream and that they were in it.
If you approach things in an indirect manner you can avoid your partner feel like you’re not satisfied with their lovemaking. Who knows, once you open up about yours, they may share a fantasy or two as well. Fingers crossed.
• Allow Your Partner To Help Plan
Whether it’s an adult DVD, lingerie or taboo location let the other person make suggestions and participate in the discussions. I think you will find that when they help with the game plan that the resulting coitus will be pretty amazing.
If you both decide that adult video is something to try but your partner is uncomfortable with the typical pornographic offerings, suggest a sex-education video. It’s tamer than porn and you could even pick up a position or two that could satisfy both of you.
• Listen & Obey
No, this isn’t a section on how to be a dominatrix or anything like that. If you want your partner to feel comfortable fulfilling your sexual fantasy why not ask what theirs are and offer to help out. You may find that you’re not the only one with a great fantasy.
The key to this is to not push. If you push too hard for someone to come up with or talk about a sexual fantasy you are much more likely to have them shut down rather than open up.
• Be Respectful
Yes, I know that some people’s fantasies are built on not respecting the other person, but if the agreed-upon fantasy is based on some hair pulling or a little domination from either side, that’s not what I’m talking about.
Don’t make your bedroom reservation for a party of three if your partner’s expecting there to be only two. Just because you think they would love a threesome doesn’t mean they actually will. And even if they were OK with the ménage a trois they most likely would like some input in the selection process.
Also, don’t do anything you think would embarrass your partner without first having a conversation. If you’re not sure what I mean, please refer to, “Allow You Partner To Help Plan,” above.
• Spontaneity Rules
Planning a day and time for amorous activities is fine if you’re role-playing (one of you can always slip into a costume without first giving your partner a heads up), but if your fantasy doesn’t require pre-planning try surprising your partner.
Take a drive to someplace secluded or better yet, walk up behind them in the kitchen or laundry room, wrap your arms around them and whisper your fantasy in their ear, take their hand and head to wherever this tryst will take place. Just be sure that they don’t have a plate full of food or a load of laundry in their other hand as you trot off.
• One Final Tip
Halloween stores are great sources of costumes for your fantasies. The closer you get to Halloween the lower the prices generally are. If your local store is open for a few days after the holiday you can score some awesome deals. Of course, there are always adult stores, websites like Amazon and a few big name adult sites to order toys, costumes and games from.
Don’t let your affection give your partner an infection. If you’re not monogamous put some protection on that erection.
Let’s hear about your fantasy stories, good or bad. Did you do something that your partner loved or hated or did they surprise you with something amazing? Even with the best fantasy intentions, things can go wrong or accidents can happen.
If something like this happens to you, don’t get mad. Laugh about it and remember that you’ve just made another great memory that you two can share for years to come.
What did you learn from it all that you can share with other readers? (Be sure to include your “AHA!” moment!)
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Sex, Love, Etc.
Mondays at 9 pm Eastern Time/6 pm Pacific
Sex, Love, and Relationships—like so many other things—-are changing in the 21st Century. We’ll talk about that change, laugh together, share insights and stories with a group that feels as if it is sitting around a living room together. The group will be open to persons of any sexual orientation, age, gender identity, and relationship status.
Everyone has questions about love, sex, and relationships—and everyone has stories and insights to share. What are the modern dating norms and why do I keep feeling like I’m screwing it up? Is sex what it used to be? How will I know “the one” when I meet them? Heck, how do I meet anyone, “the one,” or not? What makes a great long-term relationship and how do you keep the spark and excitement going? What if I don’t know what kind of relationship I want? What is this thing called polyamory anyway and how is it different from an open relationship? What should I know about dating while bi, or trans, or interracial dating or anything outside the so-called norms of today? And what stereotypes should we work to get rid of?
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