Thanks to the wildy unusual last year or so of our collective lives, we have all felt the disconnect that happens when we cannot physically connect to our loved ones on a regular basis. Totally sucks, right? For some of us, physical separation is normal operating procedure, pre and post-pandemic. And yes, it presents a ton of challenges.
For going on three years, my husband and I have spent the mass majority of the work week apart, coming together as a couple and a family on weekends only. I have learned that there is some truth to “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” But I have also learned that we have to be careful with our attention.
Physical distance between partners can morph into emotional distance and that divide can be far more difficult to cross, even when you find yourselves sitting at the same table, sleeping in the same bed, and showering in the same bathroom again.
Unless you get intentional about staying connected, the space between can become a big problem. The longer you are physically apart, the further you can drift away until one day you wonder if your connection is lost entirely.
Look, I get it. We all feel like we have no time for anything “extra,” especially when we are solo adulting the whole week long. But if you don’t make time for your marriage now, you may as well pencil in a year or so down the line to do the awful work of breaking up.
Investing small amounts of time on a regular basis to stay tethered can make all the difference in ensuring that any time you get to spend physically together is comfortable, fulfilling, and pleasurable. Here are 5 ways we keep the connection alive when living many miles apart for days at a time.
- Love Bombs: Pick something about your partner that you really like or appreciate and text it to them. It could be about their physical body or the way they make you feel or sharing a memory of a special time together. Get silly and blow it up with a bunch of heart emojis.
2. Be Heard: Every day you are apart, dial the phone and actually speak to your partner. Hear their voice and have your voice heard, even if for only 3 mintues. This is one that we continually struggle with, especially with conflicting schedules but we are committed and we try our very best not to miss it. We do ours when the kids are asleep. We decided it was more important for US to talk than for the kids to make fart noises at their dad on FaceTime.
3. Loop In: Just because your partner is away doesn’t mean they don’t want to know what’s going on with you and/or your kids. Email is great for this as they are typcially things that you wouldn’t necessarily need to talk about but you just want to keep your partner in the loop about. School events, how swim practice went, what birthday party is happening over the weekend–whatever is going on, loop them in as if they were there.
4. Take Something Off: Send your love a text asking, “What can I do for you today that will make your life easier?” If you were home together, you would be helping each other with stuff all the time. Maybe he needs you to open that piece of mail and scan it to him. Maybe he could use help scheduling an appointment he can’t seem to find time to schedule. Whatever it is, offer to take a housekeeping item off his plate and of course, he should do the same for you.
5. Take Something Off: Wait, what? Didn’t I just say that? Well, this is the dirty version. I don’t know about you, but a sexy text can do wonders to spice things up for us when we haven’t laid eyes or hands on each other for a week at a time. I always delete any skimpy shots immediately lest my kids be permanently scarred by inadvertently seeing a photo of mom’s ass texted to dad.
Living apart is hard but it doesn’t have to mess up your marriage. If approached carefully and intentionally, it can actually be an opportunity to grow closer together.
Let’s Get Relational! What do you do (or recommend to others to do) to stay connected to your main squeeze when physical distance is between you? Kristina God Jacqueline Eager Carrie Wynn Amanda Clark-Rudolph Sarah Cottrell Wendy Newman Roselin Dey Erin Hendriksen Ashley Sole
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Previously Published on medium
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