—
‘Esther’ is a divorced petite heavyset woman in her early sixties. When I first met her, she smiled, but her eyes were sad as she began to tell me about the one relationship she had since her divorce. “It’s kind of a long story,” she began. “I met ‘John’ in college. We dated for a few years, and the relationship was amazing. But, when we graduated college, I moved to Spain to become a Spanish teacher, and he moved to New York City to begin a career as an accountant. Sadly, we parted ways.
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I eventually got married to another man and had four kids. My husband was emotionally abusive, and as the years passed, I learned to live with the consequences.
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My husband was emotionally abusive, and as the years passed, I learned to live with the consequences.
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Then, my husband got a job overseas and only returned home for a day or two a month. I was much happier with him gone most of the time, and that’s why I decided to stay married. It was so much easier than the thought of a contentious divorce, especially with four young kids at home.
I suspected my husband might be having an affair, but as long as he wasn’t bringing any sign of it home, I really didn’t care.
One day while he was away, I decided to Google my old college boyfriend, John, to see whatever became of him. I discovered his website, where I learned that he was a successful accountant. I contacted him through his website, and he wrote right back.
◊♦◊
We began innocently, writing about our kids, spouses, jobs, catching up on several decades in a short span of time. The emails soon became flirty, and I enjoyed the attention. With an ocean and continent separating us, I thought it was just innocent fun.
Our conversations got more and more suggestive, but we lived thousands of miles apart. What harm could come of this flirtation? Flirting with John helped me feel good about myself. It helped me tolerate a lonely abusive marriage. But then things got real when John told me he’d soon be traveling to my country on business, and he wanted to get together.
We met and sparks flew! It was as if we were back in college again. I told him my marriage was awful, and he confessed that his was, too. He told me was about to separate from his wife, and I wanted to leave my husband.
I wasn’t surprised when my husband returned home for his monthly visit and told me he had met someone. She was his secretary, 30 years younger, and he was planning to divorce me. He expected me to be devastated, but I couldn’t have been happier. I wanted to thank him for releasing me from the shackles of our marriage.
Now I was free to date John! I felt like a teenager again.
John separated from his wife and rented an apartment in Manhattan where he’d always wanted to live. (His wife was a country girl, and he hated the country).
For the following two years, I’d fly to Manhattan to be with him twice a year. And he’d fly to visit me once a year. Each time, we’d stay in a hotel for a week of bliss.
And then he said something that shocked me.
“I’m sorry, but this arrangement with you isn’t working for me anymore. I realize I don’t want to divorce my wife.” I was devastated that he was going back to her. BUT, he said he still cared for me and would like to keep seeing me on the side.
◊♦◊
I’m divorced now. My ex-husband married his pretty young secretary. And John and I still see each other twice a year for a week of ecstasy.
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It’s enough, isn’t it; to have those two weeks of incredible sex and attention from a guy I love?
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Esther asked, “It’s enough, isn’t it; to have those two weeks of incredible sex and attention from a guy I love? I mean, I’m getting older. What’s the chance that I’ll ever feel this level of pleasure again with a man?”
Here’s what I told Esther:
Stop accepting crumbs of attention!
As long as you love a person who’s emotionally and physically unavailable to you, you are devaluing yourself. You are showing that person that your standards are low.
Stop! You think you’re too old to meet someone else? You’re not too old. You’re not too damaged. But if you hold onto love that is just a bunch of crumbs, you will never be able to move on and find the love you deserve. Let him go.
A person of value attracts someone who values them.
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We trust. It’s true. Crumbs? Amuse all of us.
It’s the timing that sucks. The mystery here, not so fascinating. Get on the ball y’all.
Carry on!
How to trust sumnone
What if it is the opposite? What if it feels that you are being chocked? What if it feels like that you are being restricted to grow as an individual? What if it feels that it’s like selfish? I gave in to the idea of it because I wanted to reciprocate all the attention and “love” that he is giving to me to the point where at some point in our relationship I lost myself and own Identity and it’s seems like he is perfectly ok with it. I understand that being married is like a team and growing together… Read more »
Ive been dating/seeing this guy for more than 2 years now. We are both in a complicated situation. But being with him makes me happy that i dont even care if im just his option. At first we would meet like every weekend but as the times pass by he would say he is busy blah blah.. Always giving me excuses not to meet up. I really wanted to end this relationship or whatever we have.. But i just cant, i love him too much.. He is my happiness..even if he would just give me so little of his time..
My biggest mistake is to judge everyone by my own stantards. With me what you see is what you get, but loads of people lie.. how do you know that. before you get lied to??
You should be holding the men you date by a high standard. If you are clear about your standards, you will quickly know when you’re lied to and be able to walk away without getting your heart broken.
I feel bad for Esther. All too often women (including myself) are too willing to accept crumbs of attention and not seek something better. I find myself now in a MARRIAGE to a man who gave me just enough attention to marry me, but is emotionally and physically unavailable. I practically have to beg for an type of attention and have pretty gotten used to feeling single and alone (even when we’re in the same room). I know I deserve more than this, I just don’t know what to do. We’ve only been married two years. 🙁
Peal, I’m sorry to hear you’re in a marriage with someone who doesn’t give you the attention and affection you deserve. I suggest you speak to a good therapist who can help you gain the strength to love yourself more, to know your true worth. If this guy is not right for you, please leave him. It’s better to be alone than in the wrong relationship. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. Sending you love and strength.
Thank you for posting this. I am
In my early thirties and since my early twenties have been struggling to get rid of the attitude of accepting crumbles of attention. It is all about knowing one’s worth. This article helps ANYONE (man or woman) realize the toxic attitude that one may develop because of a lack of self esteem. This has been very helpful, thank you again!
TCR,
I’m so glad you’ve realized that you need to build up your self-worth to stop attracting people who don’t value you. It’s amazing what happens when you love yourself, when you know your value and standards for how you want to be treated by others.
Best of luck to you. (If you ever need further support, please don’t hesitate to contact me sandy@Sandy Weiner.com)
Great article
Thank you, Carey! It’s a subject near and dear to my heart.
I really feel sorry for Esther…..She seems to have given up on life. Henry David Thoreau’s quote comes to mind, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” Esther is destined to go to her grave with her song still in her. Esther deserves so much more than seeing a married man twice a year for a “week of ecstasy.” But, she has told herself that is all she can get. So, she acts accordingly. Meanwhile John has his much younger wife to cheat on AND his side… Read more »
Jules,
I love that quote by Thoreau. Yes, Esther doesn’t realize her own value, so she has accepted crumbs of attention from John. I told her that this was a form of emotional abuse, not that different from her husband’s abuse. Until she wakes up to her own standards and values, she’ll continue to let people control her. This is so sad to me. I see what’s possible for her. She does not.
Tom, What is your point? Both men and women can be physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive..
Women can be very emotionally abusive. The author needs to wake up.
Of course they can be.
This story, however, is that of a woman. The advice was not gender spacific as she used the word, “person”.
This can happen to anyone, and the advice is sound in my opinion. Too many of us sell ourselves short, think that we are not good enough, too old, not worthy of real, honest love so we do sometimes settle for crumbs.
That’s like eating fast food. Two hours later you are hungry again and you can’t understand why.
DJ,
Thank you for being in my court. I appreciate your support and wise words. Especially the part about settling for crumbs being akin to easting fast food. “Two hours later you are hungry again and you can’t understand why.” LOVE that.
Sandy Weiner lives in a bubble where she cannot admit women can be emotionally abusive.
hey Pete,
Please show me where I said women can’t be emotionally abusive.
Of course, as it is written, the advice is sound.
Fast food is a substitute that you pay cheap money for. So basically you get what you pay for. But you can’t buy a relationship.
Many people don’t even have the option to sell themselves short, because there aren’t any “buyers”.
If you were starving to death, would your self worth or self esteem prevent you from eating if someone threw a Big Mac at you?