I believe these to be the very best and basic tips you must master if you want to get the woman of your dreams. Remember, these are not esoteric, “one sentence that will get her interested” tips; those are for corny influencers charging you $2000 dollars, a course. These are principles and behavioral concepts that can be applied to most women and will enhance your people skills as a man and, in general, as a person.
These skills will enhance your overall aurora. There’s no going back from here—only progress.
If you’re tired of feeling like you’re stuck in a dating rut? Ready to take action and transform your love life? Commit to practicing and honing your skills for just 90 days, and I guarantee you’ll become a magnetic, irresistible force in the dating universe. It’s your responsibility as a man not to settle for mediocrity when you have the power to be truly extraordinary!
Men will always have the burden of performance on their shoulders in all aspects of their lives. The sooner you learn this, the sooner a fire will light up your ass to be the best version of yourself.
Shall we?
1. Allow her to feel comfortable
A lot of women might be wearing one of the best outfits that make them feel cute, sexy, or incredibly empowered. But there’s also, unfortunately, an ugly side to this.
You know what it is, right?
Some creepy troglodyte dude might be at work staring at her breasts. Or some guy down the street might be staring at her butt while driving his car to the point where he almost crashes. Or when someone who lives in her apartment complex tells her how sexy her legs look in that outfit. She’s gotta see that guy every day near the mailbox or, worse, a near-empty gym. Yuck.
In all of these circumstances, she might not feel comfortable at all, and a small part of that ruins her outfit. These men are now labeled in her mind, and she might have put up walls after years of experiencing this. Ardent objectification is a lifelong phenomenon that can have long-lasting effects on a person’s self-esteem and mental well-being. Don’t be the guy who turns a date into a staring contest. Instead, focus on winning her heart, not her bra size. A true gentleman knows that respect is earned, not given, and that includes respecting a woman’s boundaries and comfort. From the jump!
DON’T BE THAT GUY.
Demonstrate a personality that allows her to feel comfortable around you. This could mean demonstrating empathy, patience, and warm body language throughout the first date. You can absolutely say how incredible she looks. But avoid the obvious references to female anatomy. You’re both sexual beings, but all of that must be a steady incline and come with time. Together you both set those boundaries. A gentleman doesn’t just hold the door; he holds his tongue too.
“The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.” — John Wooden
I get it; we’re men. We’re very horny creatures. But just exercise some patience, decorum, and wisdom. Remember, men have been ogling her most of her adult life. Just relax and focus on helping her see you’re not that guy and that, at the very least, she has a good time around you.
2. Compliment her
You already know this, right? One of the most cliched pieces of dating advice out there, right?
But remember, today’s modern women require a little more for you to stand out and show her that you’re just a little bit different. You must offer “advanced compliments.”
Compliments should embody and carry the message of positive reinforcement. This is a well-known concept in psychology, and numerous studies have demonstrated its effectiveness in reinforcing desirable behaviors. Compliments are one form of positive reinforcement that can be particularly powerful in promoting desirable behavior.
For example, a study published in the Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis found that praise was effective in increasing the number of exercises participants engaged in. The study involved 32 adults who were randomly assigned to one of three groups. One group received praise for exercising, another group received money for exercising, and the third group received no reinforcement. The results showed that the group that received praise exercised significantly more than the other two groups.
- Compliment her on her intellectual pursuits: Such as her professional accomplishments, her knowledge of a particular subject, or her eloquent way of expressing herself.
- Offer compliments that are specific to her individuality: and personality, such as her unique sense of humor, her creativity, or her ability to connect with others. But you can only get there by listening and asking good questions. Shut up for a few minutes and actively listen.
- Utilize literary and artistic references in your compliments: Such as comparing her to a famous author, poet, or painter or citing a philosophical concept that resonates with her.
These all must be SINCERE. Don’t say it just to say it. I hate to admit it, but in most cases, women are more socially calibrated than we are, and they’ll see through disingenuine compliments. Some women’s social calibration is like a finely-tuned instrument, able to detect insincerity as easily as a metal detector finds buried treasure.
Please drop your ego and trust me on this one.
Here are some examples of complements not to say:
- You’re so sexy
- I want you so bad
- Nice tits hun
- You look sexy in that dress.
- Damn, that ass is phat!
These aren’t and shouldn’t really be initial compliments. I can say these to my girlfriend now as she loves, knows, and trusts me. When you’re dating, these compliments must have a significant rapport built. Instead, compliment them on things that have been made known to you or something you can observe, perhaps something she’s known for or her passions. All compliments must be backed up with observational detail, for example.
- That’s an incredible outfit; I can tell you have a flare for something that matches your personality.
- After the date, after you’ve gotten to know her, you can say how beautiful she is. It carries more weight after the fact.
- I love your smile. It feels so indicative of your personality.
- “That’s cool, I really like how passionate you are about helping people.”
- “You visit her every Sunday!? I really appreciate someone who values time with their grandparents.”
Sincere, genuine, and no vapid compliments have a further reach than the typical cliched ones that some men catcall her with. Sincere compliments are like a boomerang; they come back to you with a positive force if tossed correctly, while a bad compliment is like trying to solve a complex mathematical problem with a calculator that only has two buttons — it just doesn’t add up!
3. Deviate from the norm!
I’m not asking you to tap dance or whip out magic tricks. I’m not even asking you to do anything expensive and wow her on the first few dates. Remember, you both barely know each other. It’s not about impressing anyone. But I am asking you to add a bit of style and subtle hints of things being different when she’s with you. A few ideas:
- Instead of just a coffee date, bring a box of chocolates so you can do chocolate roulette and figure out what flavors you like
- Instead of just sending texts, give her a call or send voice notes.
- Instead of asking how are you, ask, “How are you feeling?”
- Instead of asking how was your day? Ask, what was the best part of your day?
- Instead of sending good morning text, send her the song you’re jamming out to.
- Instead of being closed off, open up and be vulnerable.
- Instead of asking for nudes, never ask for nudes at all.
- Instead of waiting to initiate a kiss at the end of the date, find a moment where you can (consensually) kiss her in the middle of the date.
Do you get the gist? I’m not asking you to be “Johny adventure” and wanderlust crazy. But I am saying do things just a little bit differently. Learn that part of your dating prowess and watch things slowly change. Everything you used to do in the past, think about how you can change it. Not by a lot.
But just a little. Brick by brick.
I stopped texting back and forth around 2019. I started to add a bit of variety and excitement to my communication, so I decided to send a voice note instead of a text. Because I was genuinely shit at texting, it never displayed my personality.
But with voice notes, I always got compliments on how refreshing it was; I would tell them about a funny experience I had that day and ask how their day went. 9/10, they would respond positively and seem to appreciate the change in communication style.
Do things differently. Not a lot. But just a little splash or panache. Small and simple things are great things brought to pass!
By deviating from the norm and adding some creative touches to your communication and dates, you’ll be able to make the experience more enjoyable and unforgettable for both of you.
After all, look at how modern businesses operate. They steal each other’s ideas and make them just a little better. Take Apple and Samsung or Disney and Dreamworks. They go back and forth all the time. But this time, you’re merely stealing your own concepts and making them fresh again.
Some other things you might consider doing:
- Plan a surprise date or activity that she hasn’t done before, such as a picnic in a unique location, a hike with a beautiful view, or a cooking class.
- Show interest in her hobbies and passions by asking her to share more about them and even participate with her if possible.
- Take initiative in planning future dates instead of waiting for her to make all the arrangements.
- Be attentive to her needs and preferences, such as taking note of her favorite drink or food and surprising her with it on your next date. Again — by asking good questions.
- Be respectful and mindful of her boundaries and communication preferences, such as not bombarding her with messages if she prefers to take things slow.
You don’t need to pull out a five-star Michelin menu or be a master chef to impress your date. But by adding a little bit of seasoning and some creative ingredients, you can make the meal more enjoyable and memorable. In dating, you don’t need to do something extravagant or expensive to impress your date. Instead, by adding some subtle and unique touches, you can make the experience more enjoyable and unforgettable.
4. Make her feel amazing
I would imagine you want the woman of your dreams. If this is the case, always remember to make an effort to allow her to feel amazing. Again this doesn’t have to be created by cliched performative dating gestures or with your lips permanently glued to her bum cheeks.
It can happen with genuine excitement from the fantastic news she just got about getting a first home or new dog. It can be done by leaning into what she just said and vocalizing your admiration for her accomplishments in the past. It can be done by deeply empathizing with her when she tells you a sad story and marveling at all the growth and personal development she’s been able to muster.
It’s kinda like watering a plant. Just as water nourishes and helps a plant grow in the glorious sunshine, active listening and positive responses can nourish a person’s deep-rooted emotions and help them thrive. Just as a plant needs different amounts of water depending on its needs, different situations call for different levels of excitement or empathy. But just as a well-nourished plant will grow strong and healthy, actively listening and responding positively can help a person feel supported, valued, and empowered to continue growing and developing attraction for you.
This is a huge resource that you can learn, train and develop your mind to help people feel amazing around you!
Smile at her when she says something she likes, and smile at her when she does something you like. Smile at her lightly when you’re listening. Let her feel by leaning into your feelings and connecting on a mutual passion for the dying art of pure monogamy. Build her up and allow her to see that you’re THAT GUY. Research has shown that smiling has a positive impact on social interactions and relationships. A study published in the journal Emotion found that people who smiled more during social interactions had better social relationships, reported more positive emotions, and were perceived as more likable by others (Harker & Keltner, 2001).
Smiling can also lead to increased attraction and perceived warmth. A study published in the journal Basic and Applied Social Psychology found that people who smiled more were perceived as more attractive and warmer by others (Krumhuber, Manstead, & Cosker, 2014).
Again, there is a massive opportunity here. For you to change TODAY. It will be a process, sure. But you have everything to gain and nothing to lose!
This will not be easy. It takes deep self-reflection and a greater understanding of how to listen effectively and make everyone around you feel great.
This will change your life. Not just dating.
Finally.
5. Respect her
This one is easy but simple. Respect her space, respect her time, respect her boundaries, and make sure she feels respected. Everyone woman is different, so what they deem as respectful varies. Let me be clear here; I’m not doing this to passively declare myself as a performative “pander bear.” But you’ll be surprised at how powerful this is for the receiver and, most importantly, when you get into the habit of giving the highest level of respect. Your life will dramatically change.
But in this particular case, just do the basic fundamentals of dating and first date respect.
Here are some basics of demonstrating respect:
- Value her opinions — You don’t always have to agree, but respect and value them
- Make her a priority — Of course, reciprocity has to be there too.
- Respect her consent — This is a big deal and always has been. Don’t fuck that up.
- Don’t demean her — She might have had a few assholes do that already. You’re better
- Be honest — tell her where you stand, and DO NOT LEAD HER ON.
- Be reliable — Never flake, be consistent, and if you ever do, be accountable as to why
- Be kind — duh
In conclusion
You might be thinking.
“Trey, what about men, man!? Will they be considerate of my feelings? Will they reciprocate? What about the effort they make for me?”
Here in lies the beauty of a first date. If you’ve done all of those things and put everything on the line, put yourself out there, and she hasn’t really reciprocated or tried to do at least a few of the things above. It might be a waste of time, now you know. I love to let things play out. It’s never a waste of time. But a learning experience you must grow from.
But if you really, really like her. It could be worth a second date.
Maybe.
Ultimately as men, we’re growing, we are evolving, and we’re becoming the men we were always meant to be.
Not nice, guys.
But good men. Who love and value women.
A good man never dies.
A man who lives his life with a purpose, who strives to make a difference in the world, who lends a helping hand to those in need, who sheds tears of joy and sadness, who shares a smile, and who radiates positivity, lives forever.
A good man is not someone who seeks personal gain, but rather someone who selflessly dedicates himself to others. He faces challenges with bravery and takes on the burden of others to make it lighter. He may fall, but his legacy lives on.
His honest eyes, helpful hands, and kind heart leave a lasting impact on the world. A good man’s life may end, but his spirit lives on in the lives he touched and the memories he created.
Let us strive to be like that good man who lives for you and me, for the world he tries to help. Let us live with purpose, bravery, and kindness, and never forget that a good man never dies.
I love you all and know you will have success on your journey!
I would wish you luck, but I know you don’t need it.
Sincerely,
T.H.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: The Paris Photographer on Unsplash
