Bedtime Coordinator Services—At BCS, it’s always bedtime! How much sleep have you given up just to get your kid to go to sleep? Hours? Days? Lifetimes! Don’t wear those bags under your eyes like little badges of courage. Let BCS do the whole thing for you! Our sleep-trained experts come to your home every night supplied with plenty of water, monotone books, and tons of melatonin. Stay downstairs and binge Outlander and drink wine. BCS promises you sweet dreams.
Vacation from Your Vacation Travel Consultants—Disney World. Destin, Florida. The Great Rocky Mountains. All vacation destinations that leave your body in a state of exhaustion. Funny how you never had bad knees before you went on vacation with your family. Not to mention the pure mental soul-sucking that occurred because the hotel didn’t have your kid’s brand of nugget. These travel agents set you up from the beginning. While your family takes a very LONG train ride home, spend the next five days on your own actually enjoying the vacation before flying back first class. They’ll even offer your family a travel companion so that everyone is safe. Your travel companion is the bartender that never leaves your side and tucks you in at night.
Floor Ready Meal Kit—Cooking always wears you out. You spend so much time crafting the perfect dinner only for it to land on the floor. With the Floor Ready Meal Kit, take all the work out of work! Each dinner contains healthy choices that are all in the shape of a nugget. This gives them the perfect aerodynamic body to be flung with confidence through the air. And with its Teflon coating, dirt and grim slide right off. The meal kits are ready for the floor the moment you open them. Less mess, less fuss, and you’ve stopped caring anyway.
Toddler Arguer—Arguing with a person less than two feet tall is never a good look. Toddlers can’t even speak in sentences so what do they know anyway. When you’ve said “because I said so” one too many times, it’s time to call in the Toddler Arguer. Trained in the arts of anti-logic, the Toddler Arguer simply taps you on the shoulder. Go sit in your padded room for a minute and let the Toddler Arguer break your child’s will. The best part is the Toddler Arguer grows with your child. Bring it on, Teenagers, we’re ready for you.
Jenson Holographic Services—How much time does your child spend on their electronic devices? Do you really care? Let Jenson give you a guilt-free mind. Jenson creates a holographic recreation of your child reading, solving math problems, or sitting quietly. This allows your child to sneak away and watch as much YouTube as they want. You get guilt-free peace of mind and your kid gets to stay occupied for hours. Where’s your boy? Why, he’s practicing cello right now. How sweet.
It’s Your Turn Experts—Marital fights are the number one cause of cholera. Leaving your marriage to “find” yourself in the jungles of Peru never works out. And most of those fights center around whose turn it is to change a diaper, fix lunch, or nap. Let the It’s Your Turn Experts nip cholera in the bud before it even begins. They actually keep track of who got up at 3 a.m. last or puked on. No more fights, no more cholera, and a better world. You owe it to the planet.
Strategic Finger Artists—When your child turns their back, they get the finger. That’s it. That’s all these artists do. They follow your child around and give them the finger.
Nap Security Services—Don’t let nap time be lost time, Nap Security Services has your back. Two very brawny dudes will make sure that no one rings your doorbell, loud noises are squashed, and your mother-in-law never calls at the wrong moment. They even have the mythical ability to transform a sleeping kid into their bed without anyone waking up. But maybe it’s you that needs a nap? They do that, too! Let them stand guard as you stand down. You’ve earned it.
—
This Post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock