Subtle Signs You’re Trying Too Hard to Save Your Relationship

I tried. I did try my fucking best to save the relationship.

Sometimes you just don’t know when to quit. There’s just one promise coming after another.

And you’d like to convince yourself that this time, they’ll change.

If you’ve felt depleted lately because you don’t even know what the fuck is going on in your relationship anymore, here are some signs that you’re actually trying too hard (and you shouldn’t):

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There’s a cycle that you can’t change

My mother’s second marriage failed mostly because of the in-laws.

It doesn’t matter how many talks she has with her ex-husband, he always ended up putting his family first.

When his sister said some mean things to my mother, he didn’t stand up for her. On top of it all, he made excuses for his family’s bad behavior.

A case like this is an example of a cycle that you can never change. It’s out of your control and you shouldn’t even try.

To this day my mother still wishes she shouldn’t allowed herself to get so bothered and stressed by her ex-husband’s family.

Family issues can feel like an external factor to your relationship but if you don’t have a strong emotional bond with your partner, then you’ll be just against each other.

What you can do:
Instead of stressing about the problem like you’ve been doing every day, try to see if there’s a pattern.

It’s hard to see if the relationship is still young but in long-term relationships, the cycle will be there for sure. You just have to take a look closer to that.

You’re losing yourself slowly

“When you’re desperate, it’s showing through your actions.”

The #1 sign to know something isn’t right in your relationship is when you feel like you’re losing yourself. What does it mean exactly?

It’s when you don’t know what you want any more or you lost sight of who you’re without this person. You’re emotionally dependent and revolve around them.

The relationship is in your head almost 24/7 and you find yourself overthinking everything.

Imagining your life without this person hurts you so much that you don’t think you can survive without them.

But it’s so far from the truth.

But most people hold on to a relationship and try too hard because they truly believe this person is “the one”.

When you’re desperate, it’s showing through your actions.

What you can do:
The best thing you can do is to keep a journal.

I know it sounds so simple and basic but writing down your thoughts helps you clear out some junk inside your head.

To see the situation as it is, you need to have that space in your mind. If you want to get clarity faster, a therapy session can also help.

What I usually do is talk to people and open up. That way you’ll get different perspectives and start making your decision.

It’s the same problem everytime

Notice when you’re fighting or arguing, is it always the same problem?

The context and situation might be different, but when you argue long enough, it eventually leads to the same old issue.

While in his book, Gotman said some couples have had the same argument for years, and it also matters how your partner responds to it.

If you’re the only one in the room who’s so busy looking for the solution then it’s a sign you’re trying too hard.

Every couple has fights every now and then. And the healthy ones somehow always manage to make up and communicate better in the next fights.

What you can do:
You need to care about your own mental health at the end of the day. You can’t be sacrificing your peace for the sake of saving a relationship.

So give yourself a time limit.

How many more fights (over the same issue) can you take?
What would you do if you reach the limit? Can you make a new decision?
Is staying in a dead relationship sound better than being alone to you?

Think long-term instead of getting stuck in the loop.

If the relationship is over, you’ll feel like it’s fully your fault

This happens a lot to people who got cheated on. They try to save the relationship knowing deep down they’re very much in pain. They keep coming up with reasons why they should stay.

Maybe their partner has given a genuine apology or the kids need their father. But they also knew in their heart that trying to rebuild the trust is killing them emotionally.

Nothing feels worst than a betrayal.

One should have the freedom to either stay or leave. But too many people are fixated on the guilty feeling. They don’t want to be the “bad guy”. But who cares what people think about your relationship?

They’re not living in it — you’re.

What you can do:
It’s crucial to realize that when a relationship is over, it’s always two people’s fault. So stop being so hard on yourself and look at it as a fair game.

It doesn’t matter if you’re the one who leaves, being the “bad guy” in your past relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t be a good partner for someone else.

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The current dating world is wild but it shouldn’t be the reason to put up with a bad relationship.

Instead of telling yourself to “wait and see”, set a timeline. Whether it’s a month or a year — whatever it is that you think is your limit.

So even when you end up leaving the relationship, you still can proudly say,

“I did my fucking best and I regret nothing.”

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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