Surprising Things I Learned as a Late-to-Life Lesbian

Some time back, I wrote a short article about things I learned after 300 dates. It was well received, and several comments left me pondering. One common theme was this; “if you went on 300 dates and never found your guy, then you are doing something wrong.” I took that to heart and accepted that I was indeed doing something very wrong: I was dating the wrong gender.

As a 50-something woman, dating women was not new to me. I had occasionally dated women; however, I considered myself bi-sexual leaning toward men. My preference was always women, but I could not entirely rewrite the hetero-normalcy script. Eager to have children and a “traditional” family, at 35, I married a man and had three wonderful children. By my late 40s, I was divorced and confused. I was sure I had chosen the right man to marry; I thought we were aligned in almost every way. Yet something was always off.

I don’t believe my marriage failed because I was a closeted lesbian. There is never one thing that destroys a relationship, and as many people accept-sexuality is fluid. I dreamed of my happily ever after with one person and hoped that one person would be the man I married. So now I continue the search for a new happily ever after while the Indigo Girls Song plays in my head…

And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There’s more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
Closer I am to fine

Back to dating

After those 300 dates with far too many men and feeling almost nothing for any of them, I accepted that the problem was me. So I took matters into my own hands and changed my preferences on the dating app to woman-seeking woman, and the magic happened.

I’ve learned more about myself than I expected and almost immediately found the peaceful sense of contentment I dreamed of. Living in my authenticity changed my entire life. I was most surprised by the changes in my professional life. I will share a few experiences in the next few weeks, some that shocked me. For today I’ll start with one of my favorite side-effects of coming out:

Body image

I preface this by saying I don’t believe all men expect women to have a particular body type and appearance. It is equally wrong to think all lesbians want the same body type. All I can comment on is how I felt and what I experience while dating men. My drive to look perfect and be thin caused me enormous anxiety. I also suffered from a 30-year eating disorder which almost took my life. But for some odd reason, as soon as I began dating women exclusively, the voice in my head screaming to be thin was silenced.

The women I dated were around my age and had the same beautiful imperfections. For the first time, I believed my dates genuinely preferred a woman with curves. A woman with breasts, hips, and even thighs, which are typical of a middle-aged woman. I believed it because I know this is what I prefer too. If you love women, then you should actually love a woman’s body. Her body is not just genitalia; luckily, we come complete with all the other beautiful parts, too — her soft skin, her arms and tummy, her face, and her pretty hair. I’ll take all of it and prefer it not to be the body of a teenager.

Freeing myself of the obsession with physical beauty and trying to conform to the standards of a youthful size 4 body has changed everything. It’s improved my overall health, even with the extra pounds. It allows me to focus on balance, incorporating yoga and nutrition into my life. It quieted the screaming voice in my head that drove an eating disorder for years. And I finally feel sexy in the body I have.

That’s something that surprised me and continues to thrill me every day. It also allows for deeper intimacy once you stop obsessing over each pound. But more on intimacy another day.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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