Taking Responsibility for Things That Are Not Ours

Over-taking of responsibility is an issue I see again and again with good people who have been subject to narcissistic abuse, and it’s one that is promoted and reinforced by almost all of the human development / leadership industry. We’ve been taught “there’s no one out there, it all starts with you,” “if you point a finger at someone, there are four more pointed back at you,” “everything is a co-creation,” and “there are no victims.”

If I were to be very very cynical, I would add that these teachings are suspiciously convenient for narcissists (and there are many in the origin stories of most of this field, but that’s another story). Being very responsible shows up in Sandra Brown’s research on “Super Traits,” qualities that make us more attractive to narcissists and make it harder to leave narcissistic abuse. Of course a narcissist wants someone who will take responsibility for what’s going on, who will search their soul for broken parts, who will turn themselves inside out to avoid blaming anyone else. As I said, convenient.

Now here’s where it’s sticky. I’ve found in my executive coaching and leadership training work that there are some folks who desperately do need to learn that they have an impact on those around them. These people will only become more effective when they understand how they themselves have contributed to the issue at hand. They need to stop pointing fingers and step up to take responsibility. Questions such as “what is your contribution?” can be eye-opening when and if the person is open to learning and growth.

But as a trauma coach and healer, I have learned not to ask this question (at least not until very far along in the healing process). Instead, my harder work is often to help the person learn to assign responsibility where it belongs. Most of the time when my trauma clients tell me they have had another “fight,” or did something “wrong” that triggered the narcissist, when we unpack it, they are actually taking responsibility for abuse. (See Is it Fighting or is it Abuse?“)

For people who have embraced personal responsibility, this feeling of blaming someone else often doesn’t sit well. So let’s call it discerning responsibility. I’ve found that developing a greater ability to do so is a critical phase in the process. We have to understand that abuse exists, and being victimized doesn’t mean you have a so-called “victim consciousness” where you avoid any responsibility for your own life and decisions.

Now one more complexity (we are complex creatures) to add. In the very much later phases of a healing process, exploring one’s own tendencies and patterns is often quite helpful. And thus, the question of “how did I participate in creating this?” can be an interesting place to explore — but only, and let me emphasize the only — if it lives alongside the paradoxical truth that no one is responsible for “creating” their own abuse.

In my own case, I have seen the dangers of being over-responsible. Having spent much of my life (since age 18) very much embedded in various seminars, trainings, workshops, writings, etc. of the human development field, the idea that I was responsible was pretty hard-wired. Thus, abusive behavior by the X automatically made me look at myself, wondering what I was creating — was it insecure attachment? Did I neglect to say things in a collaborative way? Was I being reactive? Was I having trouble with some way he was being because I was unresolved about similar tendencies in myself? All of these questions kept me in an abusive, damaging relationship as I continually struggled to figure it out without committing the cardinal sin of actually holding him accountable for his nasty behavior. Allowing myself to notice, name and assign responsibility for the abuse was a difficult but critical part of my healing. And let me add, I feel like a stronger, clearer person having figured out how to do both — take responsibility when it is mine to take, and assign it when it is not.

—

This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.

***

Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.

All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.

A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.