Is your discomfort with “dirty talk” making you a ho-hum husband?
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In a coaching session the other day with a long time married guy, the uncomfortable topic of “dirty talk” came up.
This is part of that conversation.
I don’t know why, Steve, but our lovemaking has ALWAYS been silent. I’ve never liked it but I don’t know how to change it.
If it was “less silent” what would you hear?
Hmmm…I’m not sure, but it wouldn’t feel so clinical and boring. Maybe if she would just moan a little – that would be a start.
Do you moan a little?
No, never. I’d like to, but I don’t.
Why is that?
I’m afraid it would make it awkward for her. It might ruin the moment. She’s really self-conscious about sex and her body.
Okay, since you’re not self-conscious, why don’t you try to make her feel more comfortable by saying something like, “Baby, you’re so beautiful when you’re engorged. You look like a delicate rose in bloom. And the glistening dew on your petals tastes like sweet honey…mmmmm…I love you.”
Holy crap. I could never say that to her!
Why’s that?
I’m too self-conscious.
Is that maybe why you don’t moan either?
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I Was Married Once – I Get It
I know exactly how he feels.
My marriage had 28 years of self-conscious behavior on both sides. She was always nervous and afraid to show her sensual side. She had so much angst about it, she convinced me that she thought sex was “icky and overrated” and I was, quite possibly, a pervert for thinking about it so much.
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I was following her lead. I had no agenda of my own. I was afraid to speak my truth. I was being a ho-hum husband and man.
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And as all “good guys” do, I bought her act – hook, line and sinker.
I reacted like a scared boy. I followed her lead and never said anything that might make her feel nervous or “icky”. When it came to my own feelings of sensuality, I went silent. Even moaning was risky – didn’t want to spoil “the moment”.
Some moment. Clinical and boring.
Little did I know that I wasn’t doing her or myself any favors. I was following her lead. I had no agenda of my own. I was afraid to speak my truth. I was being a ho-hum husband and man.
As much disappointment as I felt in my marriage, I felt more in myself for hiding out.
The truth was – and is – that I’m a massively sexual man.
When I imagine passionate, sexual intimacy with a woman my body pulses with the tension of a fully loaded leaf spring on a 1-ton truck. When I imagine the mutual touches of affection and naughty words of desire my heart beats faster. Just writing this causes me to see, smell and taste her curves, fragrance and her nectar.
But I went an entire marriage never saying anything about that side of my masculinity. It wouldn’t be “nice” to pressure her so. Besides, she thought sex was overrated anyway. Better to play it safe. Be silent. That’s what “good guys” do, right?
Then one late night about 3am, in a cold sweat, I sat on the toilet with her poorly hidden cell phone in my hand. The phone display lit up the pitch dark bathroom and my shocked face…and tears bubbled from my eyes.
The stream of sexy text messages revealed her truth. I couldn’t stop reading.
Apparently, she was a lot like me!
But someone else figured it out before I did.
Divorce Lesson #1: Your wife is probably much more sexual than you think.
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Dirty Talk – It’s Not Just for Sex
One problem guys have with dirty talk is that we only imagine the most hard-core options.
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Dirty talk ranges from sensual to sexy to hot to naughty to dirty to downright filthy. If you’re not well practiced at the low end, the high end will always seems unreachable.
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Yes, those are great fun and huge turn-ons when the moment is right. But when I ask men if they have ever said, “My God your hair smells so sweet and feels so soft after you wash it!” they normally say, “Ummm, no”.
That’s dirty talk. No, it’s not naughty, but it is very sensual.
So is, “I like kissing you because your lips taste so sweet” and “The feminine way you move your hips when you’re happy makes me happy too”.
If you’re having trouble even imagining saying things like that, you’ll never feel comfortable with the really hot stuff.
Dirty talk ranges from sensual to sexy to hot to naughty to dirty to downright filthy.
If you’re not well practiced at the low end, the high end will always seems unreachable.
Even moaning out loud will feel a little weird.
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How to Practice Your Dirty Talk Without Feeling Creepy
A lot of old married guys have resigned themselves to saying nothing. They’re done trying any longer.
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One of the biggest reasons women are uncomfortable with our compliments and sensual talk is because we are uncomfortable.
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Why?
Because of how she may react.
They’re afraid of her snarky comments, rolling eyes of exasperation and – the dreaded – long, exaggerated sigh of disapproval and disbelief.
My solution? Warning: It’s harsh.
Stop giving a f*ck for Pete’s sake.
Really, just stop caring and being so invested in how she reacts to you. One of the biggest reasons women are uncomfortable with our compliments and sensual talk is because we are uncomfortable.
Drop your expectations for an outcome – good or bad.
If you want to get better, more comfortable and more natural with communicating your sensual feelings, you are going to have to practice! None of us was born with this skill.
And if you’re not going to practice with the one and only committed, romantic, sexual partner in your life then who the hell are you going to practice with? Yeah, don’t do the cell phone thing.
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But, here’s the deal.
You must practice the dirty talk ONLY with words and feelings that are absolutely true for you!
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You’ve got a lifetime to practice and enjoy this. But enjoy this you must.
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Creepy feelings come from feeling like a fraud. Discomfort comes from acting like someone else. Fear comes from worrying that you’ll be judged for what you’re about to say.
But the truth can’t be judged! So speak your truth.
As true as the sky is blue, it’s true that your wife’s shiny, bouncy, freshly washed hair is intoxicating. So just say so.
As true as the sun will rise tomorrow, it’s true that when she looks you in the eye and softly touches your chest you feel loved. Tell her that.
And as true as the snow falls in Colorado (my personal truth today), it’s true that you absolutely love the sensation of making love to her. So go ahead a moan, big guy. A deep, low moan.
It’s normal. It’s natural. It’s your truth.
Speak it now or forever hold your peace.
I call it “unapologetic masculinity”. Trust me, you want more of this in your life.
Start small and get used to it. Then find other truths and work your way up the “hotness” scale. Take your time. Trust yourself. Trust her.
You’ve got a lifetime to practice and enjoy this. But enjoy this you must.
Don’t think you’re doing anyone any favors by hiding your sensual self away.
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If you want to quit hiding out and playing small in your relationship, you’ll like what I wrote just for you in The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage. Download this free ebook to get a brotherly shove in the right direction toward being more bold and fearless about creating the relationship you want. This is stuff my dad never told me. What about yours?
Photo Dimitri Otis/Flickr
Hi, “She was always nervous and afraid to show her sensual side. She had so much angst about it, she convinced me that she thought sex was “icky and overrated” and I was, quite possibly, a pervert for thinking about it so much.” Then, what’s a man to do if his wife is convinced that sex is icky and overrated? Can’t really force her to make love with the lights on. If she turns away in disgust whenever you try, what can you? I think the real issue is what DJ brings up. Some of us can pull it off,… Read more »
Good questions, FK.
There are a lot reasons why a woman/man has shame or anxiety around sex. You’re right, you can’t make a person be different or WANT to be different.
Sometimes a long, loving, consistent pattern of acceptance, patience, strong love and emotional safety will help a partner get comfortable. The trick at that point is to be confident in safely leading them into mutually satisfying sexual experiences that build their trust and self-confidence.
That’s a long topic.
And, yeah, I’m doing just fine. Thanks for your kind words, FK.
“Sometimes a long, loving, consistent pattern of acceptance, patience, strong love and emotional safety will help a partner get comfortable.”
Yes, sometimes.
And sometimes it just takes another man, a man who is nothing of all that but just simply turns her on, for her to abandon her strictly held inhibitions with you. And in that case there’s just nothing you can do about it in the first place.
I don’t want to marginalize the pain that you went through, Steve, and I certainly do not want to take from the conversation…but when speaking of the inability of men to talk dirty in a viable way, the ineptitude that exists, my mind when right to the, Jerry Seinfeld, panty talk scene.
Some of us can pull it off, others? Well, I hope that you maintain a sense of humor about it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKKTF9mBX-g
that’s classic, DJ!
My pain is so long gone it’s become funny. Thanks for the Friday funny.