Teens Are Having Less Sex These Day; But What Does Sex Mean to Them?

As a parent, I of course hope my teens make responsible choices when it comes to sex. And as they go from early teens to later teens, I fully appreciate that I will know less about these choices, as they become less and less of my business. But, at least for now, out teens are pretty open with us about their sexuality and sexual practices. And it gives me pause.

The dilemma that is prattling around in my mind right now — when we were young, and I’m probably being naive in my hindsight but bear with me, when we had sex with someone it was based on a level of attraction. Our sexual partner may not have been someone we loved or someone we thought we would spend our life with; but it was normally, as I recall, someone we really liked, at least in that moment. As teens, this may have been someone we had a crush on, someone we wanted to impress, or even someone who was juts so popular we loved the idea that they were interested in us. In any event, there was an attraction.

It feels like it’s changed somewhat. My one daughter who is sexually active has sex very infrequently — certainly less than either my wife or I had at that age. But when she does, it seems like it’s utterly meaningless. Pretty much lacking in any affection whatsoever.

Take her most recent example, a couple of weeks ago. She was at her best friend’s house and her friend’s boyfriend and another guy came over. Her friend and boyfriend went off to have sex, leaving this other guy and my daughter alone. So they had sex. That was it. She said she really had no interest in him, but they were all alone, didn’t know each other all that well, so they did it mostly to pass the time.

I was shocked and appalled, but when I tried to talk to her about it, she accused my wife and I of slut shaming her. To be fair, I have no idea what was really going on it her head, but she sure didn’t seem to have thought what she did was a bad idea.

You would logically conclude from this that she doesn’t place much meaning on sex. Oddly, this is not true. She’s been in two pretty serious relationships, and in each she was quite careful about how she approached sex. In one, she never felt they got to a place where they should be sexual. On the other, she eventually had sex, but it was only after really careful deliberation and a long build up.

It leaves me quite confused. Sex within a committed relationship that means something to them seems very different from casual sex. It’s a little hard for me to wrap my head around, but I guess she sees sex as something different, depending on who she is having it with? I don’t know.

And the another confusing elements, She has sex very infrequently. Even with this very, ultra, casual encounter with this guy, she has only had sex a handful of times. She has only had casual sex twice. And, again, this stymies me. If she would do it so casually and with so little meaning, why would be do it so infrequently. She is a sexual person and she is quite open about the fact that she masturbates often. But casual sex — which she seems to see as quite inconsequential — is extremely rare.

Don’t get me wrong — I am very happy that casual sex is, for her, a very rare thing. I juts don’t get it.

Overall, it juts leaves me confused. I know what sex meant to me when I was younger. As an adult in a long term committed relationship, it means something different now, but it still feels logical. With this next generation, I juts don’t get it. I guess I am officially old.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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