Two years into my current relationship, I still frequently notice myself in awe of rather simple things that my partner does. Things that are worlds apart from that which I got used to with my ex.
There isn’t much point in comparing two very different people to each other, but there is great use in identifying the things that effortlessly revolutionize relationships.
Now, happy in love; the following are three things I can’t be grateful enough for.
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1. He doesn’t use our anniversaries as work opportunities.
There is no easier way to show someone that they’re loved than by giving them your undivided attention — we all know this. Whilst this may not always be realistic, there are always ways to ensure that your partner knows they’re at the top of your list of priorities.
My ex was a photographer and this was a career I very much encouraged. However, it became an obsession, one too dangerous to admire. He lost his ability to be present and lived his life solely through the lens of his camera. He discovered a way of life that he loved living but it wasn’t one inclusive of me.
There was absolutely no way of distinguishing his work life from his personal life. In fact, this is extremely common nowadays, with 2/3 of employees in the UK saying that they struggle with managing a healthy work-life balance. This was understandably even more difficult for my ex as he was a freelancer, and always on the hunt for his next gig, which I had sympathy for.
I will never forget it: our fifth-anniversary, dining at a posh Italian restaurant. It was a balmy summer evening, there was a candle burning between us and we were overlooking the London skyline. I was in a tight little-black-dress and felt like a million pounds, until I realised who was accompanying us — his best friend of course…the Canon DSLR 2000D.
Minutes later, whilst kicking my foot around, my beige wedge felt a large lump under the table — he had brought his rucksack too. This bag contained his tripod, vlogging camera, and new DJI Mavick Pro drone (just in case we’d spot something interesting on the way home.)
How naive I was that for once it would be just about us. Every outing was an opportunity and whilst I had grown used to this over five years, I thought ‘heck, my flippin’ anniversary?”.
On my first date with my current partner, I couldn’t help but notice that he held my hand from start to finish. I couldn’t possibly work out how he was using only his other hand for tech until it dawned on me — he wasn’t. In fact, he didn’t even glimpse at his phone the entirety of our date. All of that attention, just for me? I was being spoilt rotten. But as I later realised — this was the bare minimum.
Takeaway
There aren’t any shortcuts in relationships. A shift in focus and value that completely takes away from your loved one, will be felt. With a world of distractions in society today, the most simple things don’t go unnoticed and attention and time are the most valuable currencies you can spend.
2. He actually has an opinion.
My ex-partner never had many opinions of his own. Perhaps, it was easier to agree with everything I proposed. It was always my way or the highway. Not because of any conscious decision I made but purely because of the lack of any other input.
Despite my partner being nearly a decade older than me, when discussing the prospect of children, I was met with indifference. “Whenever you’re ready babe!”. I would often hear him regurgitating my statements or opinions as his own which made me lose respect for him as a potential husband or father. We travelled to where I wanted to travel. We did what I wanted to do. For some, this laid-back freedom could seem like a blessing — for me, it was infuriating.
All decision-making was left in my hands and I felt like the only adult in the relationship. I was yearning for any sense of a guideline to which to compare my ideas and plans. Something to work with: an opinion from someone whom I loved and respected. Any inkling to give me a prospect of sanity to compromise with.
My current partner catches me out on my nonsense. He’s driven and ambitious. He lives his life using his own metrics. He disagrees with me when he thinks I’m wrong and he’s not afraid to make me angry in the meantime.
Ironically, for the first time in years, I feel as though I’m actually being heard.
Takeaway
Being in a relationship means a blissful union between two equals. There is value in every decision made and every word spoken. If you fret speaking up in fear of being judged, rejected, or better yet, if you simply don’t care, then it may be time to rethink your place in the relationship.
3. We’re more than friends.
Little did I know, for about half of our relationship, my ex and I were just that…friends. Along the way, I had lost the initial romantic attraction for him, and somehow I didn’t notice the platonic route we were heading down until we had arrived.
We would hang out like friends and the intimacy was disappearing before us. Perhaps, at the time, this was easy to pass off as something that naturally happens to a couple who have been together for half a decade.
When we were out with our mutual friends, we would continually sit separately and rarely, if ever, came up to each other throughout the night. We were beginning to grow so comfortable with the idea of not being dependant on each other that we became completely indifferent.
We got along great but didn’t yearn for each other. I never got jealous anymore and the more I came to terms with these factors, the more I didn’t want this dynamic to be what my future marriage consisted of.
My current partner and I are best friends, but in a way that still drives effort. I want to be the best version of myself for our relationship, the ideal mother for our future children, and the woman he will feel proud to call his wife. He’ll drift in my direction when we’re out with friends, even just to plant a kiss on my forehead before continuing to chat with the boys.
We better each other and inspire each other to make ‘us’ stronger. All things I never cared to do in my very ‘me & you’, previous relationship.
Takeaway
It’s difficult to identify the process of a relationship failing when it isn’t happening in an overtly negative way. When things outside of your relationship begin to feel more exciting than coming home to your partner, you may want to ask yourself whether you love or are in love.
It’s easy to live a life alongside someone you love — it’s harder to recognise and admit that those feelings aren’t as strong as they once were or strong enough to create the foundation for a joint life.
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— Thank you, next.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: JD Mason on Unsplash