The 5 Throw-Away Comments Made by Lovers That Instantly Changed the Way I Felt About Them

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are to become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

— Captain Corelli’s Mandolin by Louis de Bernières

I’m a romantic at heart, I love to be in love.

However, being in love has got me hurt many times. I don’t have a type, I just tend to wait for someone I click with. Unfortunately the people I click with also have a tendency to be the ones that hurt me.

So, I’ve become an expert at listening out for comments from lovers that have the potential to reveal more than they think.

Sometimes I don’t even know until later that the comment has had so much effect. Sure when they were first said they made me feel uncomfortable, but I did not say anything in retort. Then later, the next day or a week after, their comment begins churning around my mind, why did they say that? And I start to explore how it made me feel and why it’s so difficult to forget.

These 5 comments, sowed the seed of the end of romances that had previously shown potential.

These waffles are so good, you’d make such a good wife.

Whilst this was clearly intended to be a compliment, it was anything but. It revealed to me that that this man believed the pinnacle of a women’s existence is marriage and that cooking food, particularly banana waffles was the way to be a good wife.

His idea of a good marriage was based on what a woman could do for a man. It was so 1950s and it massively turned me off and the relationship. I wanted to say to him: I am so much more than a good wife, and there’s so much more to me than banana waffles.

Those shorts are a bit too short. Maybe longer next time.

Many men have made comments about what I wear and how I dress. I know my dad does it all the time. However, this comment was from someone I was head over heels in love with at the time, so it really stung and it’s never left my mind.

Plus I’m sorry but at that time my legs looked great. I mean really great. I was working out, they were toned, smooth and tan. Even then, I knew that. Now I know it more. This is pure control.

Of course, he is the most likable man in the world, the dictionary definition of charismatic.

I bet you never thought when you were younger you would end up with someone like me.

We’ve all been told at some point that we are punching above our weight or the opposite. I remember my ex-mother-in-law from hell used to say this at the dinner table. However, it’s one thing being told this by an external party, and feeling awkward, but another entirely when you say this about yourself.

This made me feel incredibly sad that he thought so little of himself. But I couldn’t shake how less attracted it made me feel to him.

Perhaps it was because his statement confirmed how I actually felt or was it the lack of confidence that made him unattractive?

Was the fishing for compliments? Did he want me to show him that I didn’t feel that way?

At the time I took it at face value. I believed he was being honest and as much as I wanted to comfort him for feeling like that and applaud his vulnerability, I just couldn’t get it out of my head. It absolutely changed the way I saw him.

Have you seen what clothes he wears now? They’re all from Decathlon (about his best friend).

I’ll admit, I have sunk this low before. I have bitched about people I don’t like and their fashion sense. However, I have never said anything about a close friend’s clothes or made a negative comment that I wouldn’t say to their face.

So when an ex did this, I was kind of shocked. If he talks like that about his closest friend, how will he talk about me when I’m not in earshot?

Looking back now, this statement is also indicative of his superficiality which was a theme throughout our relationship. I think I became aware that this was a person unable to offer unconditional love.

The best time I had in my last relationship was when my girlfriend went backpacking for the summer and I could watch TV and drink 6 packs in peace.

This was said as if to demonstrate how lacking in love his last relationship was. And at the time I actually didn’t see more into this comment. I thought, great he’s telling me this because he loves spending time with me, I must be different from his last girlfriend.

When he said this, I was so head over heels in love with him, I hated the thought of him with anyone else, so anything negative about previous partners felt great.

However, later I kept on thinking about this comment. Why? Because it shows a lack of maturity. If he didn’t want to be in this relationship, why didn’t he leave it or try and improve it? Staying in a relationship that you perceive as terrible and not trying to change it does not make you a hero, it makes you weak and pathetic.

And unless your previous partner was a psycho, it’s really not that cool dissing the relationship to your new partner. In fact, in general, unless it’s necessary, I think talking about problems in previous relationships early on is only going to make you start digging a hole you can’t get out of. Relationships are complex, there’s no good or bad side. It’s likely that you were both good and bad at times. You could also make a comment about your previous partner that reminds your new partner of problems they have also experienced.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost, but I’m still no more an expert on dating or romance. I’m not saying in any way that these comments are the worst I have received, but they are the kind of throw-away comments that are made without thought. And these 5 did make me look at the relationship and the person in a new light.

Those who have learned to control or manipulate in relationships know how to hide it. And it’s often in throw-away comments about someone else or something small that they reveal this.

However, it’s not just people who may try to be controlling or manipulative but those who put themselves and others down. I struggled with including the statement from a lover that revealed a lack of confidence. However, I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I didn’t include it.

His statement was also an indicator of things to come. His lack of confidence meant that he needed to keep tabs on me. If there was ever a possibility that he could accuse me of not loving him enough he would jump on it. I could be late to dinner or miss a phone call, and he would go into a mood.

This kind of behavior is also incredibly manipulative. Because I didn’t want him to feel that way, I would have to do everything perfectly as he wanted. Even though he wasn’t being cruel or unkind to me, he still managed to get his way.

Ultimately in a relationship, you want to know that your partner has the ability to love you no matter what and that they aren’t going to attempt to control or manipulate you, either through comments about what you wear or by attempting to guilt-trip you into showing you care.

The little comments you make without realizing are often the ones that reveal the most about your character. Are there any that you have heard that have changed the way you think about a lover? Let me know in the comments.

Doran Lamb is a freelance writer on addiction and mental health. She writes to challenge the stigma that exists as a result of mental health and through her writing wants the world to know that individual difference makes the world dynamic, sexy and beautiful. She is proudly an addict in recovery, a mother, and an opinionated woman, who has learned not to give a f**k what anyone thinks.

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Previously Published on medium

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