It’s exciting when you first start dating someone. You’re working to figure out if the dates could lead to something long-term. As part of that process, you might, at least once, get ‘ghosted’ by someone that you liked and saw potential with.
If you haven’t heard, ghosting is when the person you are dating stops messaging you and is unresponsive to messages or calls. They completely disappear as if they were a ghost.
It has happened to most of us at least once. I am guilty of ghosting men that I no longer saw a connection with. I’ve already written a few times of my less-than-woke standards for finding a partner when I first started dating again after a divorce. I know now how silly this was, and do regret not having the guts to be honest about not feeling a connection.
While being ghosted is quite painful, it’s important not to let it mean more than it actually does.
Here are my thoughts on ghosting.
1. If a person is willing to stop all contact without warning or logical reasoning, they were definitely NOT the right person for you. Please take it as their issue, and be glad it happened now, and not a year from now. They did not see long-term potential in you as a couple. Or something else came up, and he flaked.
You did NOT lose your soulmate, no matter how bad it feels. You got off easy compared to a long, drawn-out situation that would surely have happened in the future.
I can remember what I consider ghosting someone before we met. I was actually really looking forward to meeting this new man. But then, I picked up a book, ‘The Tao of Love.’ (Great book, by the way.) I was still in the phase of feeling like speaking to someone on the phone meant that we were dating. This guy and I had yet to meet, as we lived in different cities. I was so drawn to the photos he had sent. That, a recent breakup, and a meeting with a psychic had me feeling like THIS was the guy. And that it was meant to be.
Let me repeat what I said earlier — we had NOT met yet. So to deal with my struggle over the times when he is not calling, I pick up this book. As I read about the give and take in relationships, I noticed that the thing with this guy felt more like I was chasing him, and he was ‘breadcrumbing’ me. I tried what the book said and just responded to his messages. As we talked about meeting, the date kept getting drawn out. And the plan was to meet in a city away from both of us, which meant an overnight stay in a hotel. As I was currently living with my parents, I started to wise up. This guy didn’t seem serious, nor was he very excited about meeting. So I stopped contacting him and blocked him on the app. Now I wish I had taken the time to make clear to him what my issues were and hear him out. But I also realize that at that point, I was far too drawn to avoidant types. And that major changes were needed in how I was dating.
Again, ghosting is a cowardly way of avoiding the conversation that should be happening if you have empathy for the other person. A person might ghost because their mind chatter is getting the best of them. Whatever the reason, it’s best to just let them go.
2. You’re allowed to wallow a bit, but don’t get stuck in sadness. Set a deadline for when the moping needs to end and put it on your calendar in red letters. The longer you were dating, the more time you get to wallow.
3. Put yourself in this person’s place. How would you feel if the ghost was a platonic friend and did this to you? Would you see them as reliable? Or would you obsess about what you did to turn them off and take it as evidence that you’re horrible at dating? Go with that emotion. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201511/why-ghosting-hurts-so-much
4. Focus on keeping your body healthy during times of sadness or discomfort. Eat a bit better, work out more, sleep longer, and let yourself be a bit lazier. Binge Netflix or Amazon, or pick up a book. Talk to friends that uplift you. Do the things that you enjoy, and focus on new happy moments. Do the work to get back to who you were before this happened. Know that you will have happy days again, and be focused on feeling that sense of excitement and joy again.
5. I recommend continuing to look online while you mope, to remind yourself that there are many other potential partners out there for you. When you feel ready, start messaging men again. More than one, preferably. Go back to your regular online dating system and add more men to the funnel.
6. If they come back to you later, I recommend saying whatever you feel like saying. If you were hurt by them disappearing, say that. And tell them if you feel this makes them a horrible match for you. Or just say that you’ve moved on. Before you write back to them or answer their call, try to figure out if you are open to an explanation. And aside from any major issues that made them disappear, do not take them back. Even if something major happened, there is no excuse for disappearing and not messaging to explain what happened. If you prefer not to answer or to block their number, go with that. You owe them nothing. And if you do decide to give them another chance, make it very clear that this is the only do-over that they will get.
6. Realize that some relationships don’t work out long-term. There does not have to be a specific reason. And it doesn’t mean that either party is a bad person. Take this as a sign that the relationship would have ended eventually. Isn’t it better that it ended now than when you were married for years and had grandkids? Again, who wants to waste their time on someone that bails when issues come up? It just was not meant to be. That’s a painful fact, but sometimes it’s just true — you would not have worked out as a couple long term. Please do your best to let it go. Eventually, the sadness will be a distant memory. And the right guy will make you forget all of the wrong ones.
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.