I read the other day that the age range of 18–24 is the “temporary stage” of your life.
I’d argue the temporary stage of your life is a mindset based on your own experience. Regardless, your “temporary years” exist.
During your temporary years, people will come and go through your life like travelers passing through an inner state truck stop. I’m 24, and the people I now see on a daily basis are very different than those I saw 6 months ago, and my “friends” from 5 years ago are almost nowhere to be found. It’s sad, but it also seems to be part of growing up.
However, the death of these temporary relationships is normal in some ways, and accepting the reality of the “temporary” stage of your life will make you happier, more secure, and more excited about the future.
These are the 7 friends you might gain and lose during your early 20s.
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The old friend.
Just because you’ve known someone for a long time does not mean that you have to remain friends with them. Old friends are not necessarily good friends, and I’ve had to find that out the hard way.
The relationships that are worth your time are the ones that both people make an effort to build. If a friendship isn’t mutual, it’s not worth keeping just because you have “history”.
The “good ole days” are right now. All you really have is the present. Never forget that.
“Every man has two lives, and the second starts when he realizes he has just one” — Confucius
The cool friend.
I’ve lost some friends because they thought I was “too cool for them”. I’ve lost other friends because I thought they were “too cool” for me. “Coolness” isn’t as important as we make it seem, but the value that we place on ourselves and others contributes very heavily to our relationships.
If your friend becomes a famous Tik Tok star or the next Britney Spears, that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be friends with you anymore or that they don’t like you. However, it might mean your friend will change. Misinterpreted feelings of social value can lead to the downfall of even the strongest relationships.
The jealous friend.
I’m going to brag a little bit here:
I think that I have the coolest career in the world. I write and train martial arts all day, and I get to travel the world fighting in professional-level Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu tournaments with my closest friends. I work sometimes more than 12 hours a day (only on super busy days), but my work never feels like work to me because it’s filled with passion and kind people.
I’ve created a life full of cool experiences, but not everyone is thrilled about it. Some people are jealous.
Mild jealousy is a fairly harmless human emotion, but the problems with jealousy come when people begin to act on their jealous feelings and project them onto others. It’s best to avoid people who struggle with projecting their jealous behavior, no matter how much you like them.
The cynic.
Cynics are everywhere, and honestly, they have a point.
Climate change is killing the planet, giant corporations are stealing our data, and the most famous person in the US is famous because of her sex tape.
If I had any sense, I’d be hopeless about the future of humanity too. Luckily, I don’t.
That’s exactly why you need to stay away from cynics. Their negativity is contagious. People who are cynical commonly say they’re “realistic”. People who claim they’re “realistic” are by default claiming that they have completely understood reality and all of its limitations.
What an arrogant proposition.
Cynics are just angry know-it-alls. Cut them out before you become one yourself.
The loose cannon.
The loose cannon might seem a lot like the cool friend, except the loose cannon is off the rails.
In my early 20s, I thought that people who partied were cool and that because I didn’t like to party (sorry, social anxiety), I was uncool. I judged my worth based on the fact that I didn’t like to drink in excess or do drugs (sorry, derealization).
However, I soon learned that coolness wasn’t based on how many shots someone could do on a Saturday night. Loose cannons are everywhere, and their erratic behavior can drain you and hold you down if you let it. Where I’m at now, I always distance myself from people I meet who wreak instability.
The hustler.
I used to be this friend.
In my college years and the early years after, I was so engrossed in building a business, winning Jiu-Jitsu tournaments, and “becoming a better version of myself” that I hustled away many of the people who cared the most about me. I have ADHD, and because of this, I tend to get too wrapped up in my goals and I push people away.
I’ve spent the last 2 years working to correct this isolating and counter-productive behavior.
The friend who falls in love.
Ironically, this is the lost friendship that breaks my heart the most.
Many of my friends in the last year have begun relationships, and then I’ve never seen them again — except in social media posts featuring their new significant others. Every time I’ve fallen in love, I’ve made a conscious effort to not be this friend because I know how shitty it feels to lose friends, and I don’t want to be that person who ghosts their friends just because I’m suddenly getting laid.
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Closing thoughts
What’s the point of all these temporary friendships?
For a long time, I thought that my friendships were all meant to be built into long-term brother and sisterhoods and partnerships that would make me feel happy, loved, and supported no matter what. I’ve recently been forced to learn that no external relationship can “make you happy”. Relationships that are temporary are meant to teach you something.
They’re meant to teach you to be more present, less obsessed with “coolness”, less jealous, more optimistic, more stable, more balanced, and more consistent.
Relationships are meant to help you grow. Allow them to come and go. The ones you need will stay with you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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