You can read about my discovery above. But just as I outlined life and relationships in that article, I’ll deep dive into the 80/20 rule here and how it’s working in my new relationship.
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Codependence isn’t an issue here
It’s safe to say that I have my own life and he has his. My life is focused on mental health, work, gym and other things that bring me peace, like walking the dogs in new locations and exploring mountains with my best friend. His life is full of fun, parties, night clubs, new tasting rooms, and day trips.
When we come together we tell each other about our lives and talk about our own plans and how we fit into each other perfectly. I love my life and he loves his. And I have no desire to do the things he does. It sounds exhausting to be quite honest. I would much rather wake up at 5 am than get home at 5 am.
It works for us. But there is still a lot of effort being put into our relationship. We spend 4 out 7 days a week together, sometimes more. We make a point to know the people in our lives together. But it’s been made clear that we are not one person. We are two.
His 20% comes from his own life and not the one we created together.
In my story, Please Don’t Need Me. I talk about how I don’t wish to be needed as I don’t need a partner. I want one. I also talk about how we should be sharing resources and pouring from resources and not our own cups and..whew.. was I right.
I got some backlash about that, simply because men don’t like to be told they aren’t needed. But the biggest thing I have learned in my single life is that when someone leans on me it’s because they don’t have the tools to help themselves. We are supposed to be a support system without being their purpose.
Jay Shetty said in a recent podcast that there is a big difference between being alone and being in solitude. And I’ve realized that I was happily in solitude for a number of years. Even though I fell in love 7 times, went on about 200 first dates and learned more about myself than I ever thought I could, solitude fit me. It fit my lifestyle. The non-committal version of me was the most fun version of me.
Adding a boyfriend into this mix wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t hard. He also thrived in solitude. So it worked for us.
Our Communication Style is Open and Free
We made a rule early on that no problem is too big or too small to address and issues need to be met with kindness and understanding. This was something that has never happened for me and retaliation was my biggest enemy.
Now, with free communication, we have no secrets, no huge issues and no exploding fights. This works for both of us since we are both non-confrontational and we love a good conversation. It allows us to have future led conversations and learn more about each other in a way that is helpful to both of us.
My 20% to Myself
I give myself time to breathe, lounge, take care of myself, and various other things that help my life go as it needs without him.
I still believe that having that 20% to myself is more important to my relationship than the 80% I give to him. Because if I’m not ok, we’re not ok.
Photo by Justin Follis on Unsplash
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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