The Best Dating Advice for Someone With an Anxious Attachment Style

Do you always find yourself going through an emotional rollercoaster whenever you’re in a relationship? You worry too much; you overthink if the person you’re with loves you enough or not and whether they’ll stay faithful to you.

Overall, there’s no such a moment where you feel literally secure.

If you’re single, you get attached way too fast with someone that perhaps you met twice through online dating. You also constantly think about whether what you do would push them away.

I see you nodding with the two points I mentioned above. Don’t worry; you aren’t alone. But you need a clear understanding of how your anxious attachment style works.

But first, let’s get to know what’s the sign of someone who has an anxious attachment style and how it affects their relationships.

Warning signs & the negative impacts of anxious attachment style

Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, in their book, Attached, mentioned that;

“People with an anxious attachment style have a supersensitive attachment system. It’s the mechanism in our brain responsible for tracking and monitoring the safety and availability of our attachment figures.”

With that being said, it’s no surprise that if you have this kind of attachment style, you seem to always revolve your life around your relationship and might find it hard to concentrate on anything else outside of it.

Another warning sign that eventually can impact your mental health is you always feel like you aren’t in control of your own emotions. This means most times; you let your partner decide everything because you’re too insecure and worried if they’d somehow leave you.

Not only this low self-esteem is unattractive in your partner’s eyes, but over time you’ll also feel like you’re in a desperate mode for love — which should never be the case. People in a healthy relationship always know their worth and use effective communication when things don’t go their way.

What to do when you’re in a relationship

This is tricky because when you’re in a relationship, your partner’s attachment style can also play a huge role in your emotional stability.

I’m one of those people who happened to date someone avoidant — which is the worst combination, according to experts. And they’re right, the relationship I’m in right now used to be very toxic, but we managed to navigate it into a healthier state over the years.

So depending on your partner, if you think your partner is a more secure person, then you have nothing to worry about. The only main thing you need to work on is within yourself.

This means being aware of what triggers those insecurities and anxiety in the first place. For example, you know that the attachment style you have right now can make you revolve your life around the relationship, so it’s best for you to work on your personal hobbies and goals.

That way, you’ll have no time to overthink your relationship.

What to do when you’re currently single

As mentioned, having this attachment style will make you invest too early in someone that’s not confirmed yet whether they’re on the same page with you or not — which is crucial. Because once you invest in the wrong person, getting out of it is a lot harder.

This happens a lot when you’re in online dating apps. Just because they’re bombarding you with compliments doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to expect intimacy right away from them.

A healthy relationship should evolve slowly, not in a rush.

So the best thing you can do during this “selection” period is to avoid focusing on one person. Open your heart for multiple people at the same time and give them space to get to know you.

This way, you wouldn’t have time to stress out about one particular person. If he/she gives you mixed signals, it’s easier for you to bid your goodbye and move on to the next one.

It’s also important to note that once you find the person you like, you need to at least get a glimpse of what’s their attachment style. Anxious people like you always work best with secure people.

So try your best to find those type of people who knows how to provide for your emotional needs and avoid the ones who don’t like avoidants.

Parting Words

Breaking the unhealthy habits you do in your love life isn’t easy. But at least being aware of your attachment style will help you make a better decision next time.

It took me six years to realize how and why I did what I did. It only makes so much sense now why I kept falling for the wrong guy. But once I got that realization, I felt so much more confident when it came to my love life — so good luck on your journey.

I know you got this.

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Previously Published on medium

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