I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about the nature of your relationship or the person involved. I don’t know where things currently stand, where they’ve been, or where they’re going.
But I know this: You don’t read posts like this unless you’re in a relationship you have questions about. And chances are, most of your queries can be categorized under one large umbrella question: What should I do?
I’m not going to be able to answer that for you. No one is; it’s up to you. But maybe I can help get you there.
When a relationship is in trouble, or at a crossroads, or just somehow “off,” it is extremely reassuring to realize that you aren’t alone in your pain or confusion. The Internet is a great normalizer, and you will most likely find countless articles, blog posts, and first-hand accounts describing similar romantic predicaments and, in many cases, offering direct advice or examples of how to deal with them.
These resources are especially helpful when you find yourself at an emotional low point — maybe it’s the days and weeks after a breakup or a major argument, or maybe the relationship is intact but something is causing you to be unhappy and to question your future with this other person. I have spent hours on this very site seeking temporary relief from fresh heartbreak through the stories and perspectives of others. Sometimes what I needed most was a simple but vital reminder that, “Yes, you will survive, and yes, it will get better.”
But there will come a point when the answers you’re searching for become elusive, and the advice you’re reading seems perfectly sound and logical but somehow just doesn’t quite fit. That’s because although there are plenty of people out there like you, and plenty of relationships out there like yours, there is no one just like you and no relationship just like yours. The path you’re walking may include familiar landmarks (oh look, there are some mixed messages, and over there is my anxious attachment style!), but it is fundamentally unique.
It would be easier if this wasn’t the case. Who wouldn’t want a playbook you could follow to the letter, or a master list of relationship FAQs with answers you could apply directly to your own situation? But even the best advice on matters of the heart is meant as information and tools that get you thinking more objectively about your circumstances, needs, and desires; it’s not meant to solve the puzzle for you.
Sometimes, it can even hold you back.
I’ll offer a personal example. Someone I loved hurt me badly by abandoning me at my most vulnerable and then flipping the script so I somehow felt ashamed of my resulting feelings. I went deep into an online rabbit hole of articles on gaslighting, emotional avoidance, and how to distance myself from a “toxic” person. And yes, the relationship had elements of all those things, and I gained some useful insights into some of the dynamics that weren’t working between us.
That wasn’t the full picture, however, and it didn’t help answer that big question of “What should I do?” Because the person who hurt me had many qualities and behaviors outside of avoidance and gaslighting, and our relationship had many components that didn’t show up in any of the articles I read. Ultimately, when deciding what role this person would play in my life, I took as much wisdom as I could from others and then made a decision that was entirely my own and felt true to my heart.
I guess the advice I’m giving here is to approach advice with caution. Let it help validate your feelings, let it make you feel less alone and hopeless, let it clear some of the fog of confusion that fills your brain when someone you love is causing you distress. But don’t let it lead you away from your gut instincts, or your unique knowledge of this relationship and all of its complexities.
The only valid answer to “What should I do?” is, “Do what feels right to you.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Philip Strong on Unsplash