The Best Ways to Innocently Torpedo Your Relationship

They say it is the little foxes that spoil the vine. The clever little devils barely get noticed until the fruit is gone! You see, most relationships don’t just collapse because of one dramatic event. They are chipped away by things we don’t recognize as harmful. The irony is there are things we call small, but small doesn’t mean insignificant.

What feels harmless or even well-intentioned can come to carry grave consequences, like an unspoken word, a missed touch, or a joke at the wrong time. While, on the other hand, some relationships survive yelling, walking out, or even cheating. And these are things that anyone will tell you are big red flags.

You can, happily, avoid waking up one day wondering why you feel so distant even with your significant other in the same room if you just take note of these seven ways people unknowingly torpedo their own relationships simply because the don’t realize what little things were costing them.

“…on the other hand, some relationships survive yelling, walking out, or even cheating. And these are things that anyone will tell you are big red flags.”

The Small things that do big damage

1. Biting your tongue a little too often

Avoiding conflict to keep things running usually feels like the most natural way to keep things running, and it makes you feel noble, even. I mean, why on earth would you stir up trouble when you can just let it go? The thing is, over time, the avoidance turns into silence, and all the things you don’t say pile up then resentment begins to grow. Resentment always grows in the dark.

According to communication scholar Michael Roloff, who links conflict avoidance to lower relationship quality and increased divorce risk, avoiding issues might feel safe short-term, but it erodes emotional safety over time.

So, relationships aren’t necessarily kept strong by the absence of conflict, they grow stronger when partners can handle truth.

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” — Elie Wiesel

2. Trying to “help” a little too much

There are times when “I’m just trying to help” is a very dangerous sentence. We are not talking about the times when it is actually true, but those times when it is really just a disguise for taking control. Eventually all the other person hears is: you are not quite enough!

Sometimes affection, not feedback, is what is required. Of course, we may mean well, but no one feels close to someone who always wants to fix them. Experts note that these dynamics can quietly damage a relationship, especially when one partner is constantly “improving” while the other feels subtly criticized.

“If you do not learn to step back, lower your standards, and put in healthy boundaries, you will always feel like the parent in the relationship, and that’s not fair (even) to you.” — Helen Robertson, clinical psychologist and couples therapist.

3. Laughing it off when it is not that funny

Don’t get me wrong, laughter is good. It is, after all, the best medicine. However, if you are always using it as a sort of shield (to dodge vulnerability), it becomes a permanent barrier. For instance, if your partner says something serious and you make a joke to lighten the mood, you might think you are helping, but to them it can feel like rejection. It feels like you never take them seriously or can’t handle their feelings.

Psychologist Sean Horan warns that humor used to deflect real concerns can reduce emotional closeness. Only affiliative humor builds connection, while deflective or self-deprecating humor often backfires.

Therefore, not every moment needs to be funny, some moments need to be real.

“There are times when “I’m just trying to help” is a very dangerous sentence.”

4. Habitually giving the cold shoulder to make a point

We all feel hurt some time or another, but when you pull away, stop touching them, and stop responding warmly, you have gone cold. The funny thing is, it may even feel justified, but what really happens is love is being withdrawn every time things get hard. Consequently, this starts to feel unsafe!

What you should know is whenever affection is used to punish, people stop trusting the love, and eventually, they not only stop reaching for it, they stop offering it back. It follows that affectionate behavior being vital for our emotional well-being, its absence, especially as a punishment, damages our psychological safety and, consequently, our relationship’s health.

“Silence is somtimes the loudest scream of all” — Unknown

5. Expecting your partner to read your mind

Even if they really love you, they won’t always just know. If you expect your partner to always guess your needs, you are setting them up to fail. You also may not see it, but each such failure becomes a reason to resent them. So ask for what you need and say what you mean. Love isn’t psychic, contrary to Hollywood.

As a 2016 study has found, emotional suppression and unspoken needs not only increased stress but also reduced closeness. Therefore, communication and clarity will preserve your relationships far more than mind-reading ever will.

“If you expect your partner to always guess your needs, you are setting them up to fail.”

6. Comparing your partner to a past version of themselves

While it might be true that they used to be more affectionate, take the time to plan things or make you feel more wanted, comparisons sound a lot like criticism! People and circumstances change, but your connection can evolve, too, so if you notice something you miss and want to talk about it, talk about it with kindness, not with accusation.

Little wonder one of the world’s leading relationship researchers, John Gottman, identifies criticism (including implied criticism, i.e., comparisons) as one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationship breakdowns.

“Comparison chips away at a partner’s sense of being accepted and loved as is.”

7. Being a great teammate but lousy lover

This happens when we focus more on tasks than on our connection. Sure, life gets busy: kids, work, bills, etc., and before you know it, your relationship becomes a to-do list. It is absolutely crucial that you don’t become just mere efficient coworkers in a household.

Never let logistics take over your intimacy. Those slow conversations about nothing must never be silenced, for they remind you that you are still you. What is more, relationship experts agree: lack of emotional fulfillment, not just chores or conflict, is one of the top drivers of divorce.

“When connection is lost, tasks alone won’t keep two people together.”

What it all boils down to

Most of the time, we don’t mean to hurt the people we love, we are really aiming to be helpful and unproblematic. It is just that sometimes what we mean isn’t always what they feel. Unfortunately, even though love can survive big betrayals, it can die from those small habits that make deep connection harder. Fortunately, you can quickly interrupt these patterns if you are able to recognize them, and hopefully, this makes it easier to see them, so you can choose differently.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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