The Blindsided Breakup (Finale): Is it Possible to Thank Someone for Breaking Your Heart?

I was planning your birthday a year ago, carefully curating gifts and moments to celebrate you… decades of your life wrapped in small tokens of love that I carefully picked out fitting each decade of your life and what I knew about it. I even thanked you for existing. You said no one had ever thanked you for existing before, yet it was just another moment that made you uncomfortable, another way I felt “too much” for you.

But this year, instead of a birthday message, I’m ‘giving’ you (myself) this letter you’ll never read. Not for any other reason than just doing it for me. Rather than carry the heavy thoughts, I am releasing them.

Plus, it makes a good series ending. 🙂

The Hurt

I never thought you’d hurt me… at least not in the way you did. And honestly, I’ve spent enough time thinking about it… Replaying the “how” and the “why.”…

I used to wonder if there was a right or wrong way to break up. Now I know… there’s no real right way… but there’s absolutely a wrong one.

To blindside someone in the middle of Winter Wonderland? That’s not just wrong… It’s borderline cinematic in its pure cruelty. One minute, I’m holding your hand, thinking about mulled wine and churros. The next, you’re letting go and hitting me with sentences that felt like actual knives.

You broke me into pieces, and instead of stopping when you saw my uncontrollable tears, as you watched me shake and break more and more… you just… kept going. You just become more cruel than I could have ever imagined.

I get it now… I get the ‘why’… it took me a while… but I know you did the right thing (even if you didn’t mean to). But I will never get the ‘how’ it happened…

I just wish you’d done it gentler, with kindness and love, without breaking me into that many pieces so that it would have been easier to put myself back together again. But I did it. I put myself back together… better than before. And you know what? I owe that to the heartbreak you gave me.

“You love too much.” “You care too much.” “You’re too nice.” The sentences that haunted me for a long time… that made me question myself.

They are my superpowers. My ability to love, care, and be kind is what makes me me. Thanks for reminding me of that and to love and protect those parts of me even harder.

The Real You

Here’s the thing about us: I never really knew you, did I? You never let me in. My mornings began with silence from you, and my nights often ended the same way. My notes app was full of questions I wanted to ask you and things I needed to say, but I always waited for the “right time”… for when you’d be in the right mood and for when you wouldn’t feel tired or pressured. I thought I was being considerate. I was on eggshells…

You stopped me from being vulnerable. You’d silence me with, “Baby, it’s making you sad. I don’t want you to be sad,” and I thought you were being sweet. But you weren’t. You were shutting me down, keeping me at arm’s length, because you couldn’t handle my emotions… or your own. You were so busy hiding your truths, your vices, your reality from me, trying to be someone you weren’t. That must have been exhausting.

And I also get this now: you weren’t rejecting me. You were rejecting yourself; you were rejecting love and the intimacy you couldn’t handle. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Because I was trying so hard to love you and to hold onto you. I didn’t realize just how exhausting that was for me, either.

You weren’t the one for me, you didn’t give me anything I needed, you didn’t love me the way I deserve to be loved, but you fooled me just enough to think you just might be… if I held on long enough…

The Bench Moments

But for all the hurt, there were moments. Quiet ones. Simple ones. If you ever wonder if I still remember any of the good? My favorite three moments will always remain…

Our first date, when we ended the night sitting on my balcony bench under the stars, drinking wine… I was in your arms, sitting quietly, as you had that urgent work call. I loved how comfortable you felt with me.

That one Sunday afternoon at Holland Park, before the movies, sitting on that bench, with our Pret sandwiches, I laid on your chest, and you had your arm around me… We stayed like that for two hours… That’s when I knew I was falling in love with you.

And then there was Kensington Gardens, the place I walk almost every morning around the pond where I think about what I am thankful for… that day, I did it with you… We then sat on a bench and watched the swans, the birds, kids, and people passing by as we took a gazillion silly photos together.

I wonder if you remember those calm moments or if you only remember the partying, the drinking, and the fun… After every argument, you’d say, “As long as we’re still having fun…” I never understood it then, I always just tried so hard to be ‘fun’ for you. But then I understood.

You were reassuring yourself, clinging to the idea that as long as there was fun, you could ignore the rest, while I was clinging onto the ordinary moments, thinking as long as we also had the calm, I could ignore the rest.

You always chose to sit next to me, never across. That felt special to me.

I realized afterward that it was your move… Yet even so, these bench moments remind me that while I questioned so much because of you, our relationship was real… to me… It is no longer about you.

Those moments didn’t feel special because of you; they were special because of me. It was my love, my heart, and the way I see life that made something as simple as sitting on a bench the sweetest memories.

The Thank You

So thank you. Thank you for discarding me. Might be the best thing you ever did for me.

It made me see my worth, my strength, and my resilience.

I forgive you for breaking my heart (though not for how you did it!).

If you hadn’t freed me, I would’ve stayed with you forever. I would’ve forgiven your lies, your vices, and all your secrets. I would’ve stayed by your side and tried to help you through, even as it destroyed me worse than the break-up did.

So, thank you for freeing me from a lifetime of loving you in pain.

Thank you for reminding me of what I truly want and deserve… a love that makes me feel safe, secure, and protected. For showing me that I’ll never settle for breadcrumbs or bare minimums again. For breaking my heart in a way that ultimately brought me back to myself and the kind of love I know I’m meant to have.

But I’ll never forget your silence… during my pain… that’s the worst thing you ever did to me.

For a long time, I felt like you needed my love more than I needed it. But actually, I needed it just as much… if not more. I no longer fear asking for what I want and need in life. Thank you for that lesson as well.

Despite it all, if we ever run into each other again, I’ll always be the girl who walks up to you and hugs you. Your face will always remind me of the man I once loved. But I might think twice about saying hello… I’m done with silent goodbyes.

You’ve given me everything I needed by letting me go, even if you didn’t mean to. And for that, I’m grateful.

You weren’t my fairytale… and I still want the fairytale.

Happy Birthday… and… Thank You.

P.S. Winter Wonderland opens on your birthday this year. The irony, right? You’ll be happy to know I’ve decided to forgive Winter Wonderland and go. Mulled wine, churros, hoops… to make up for all the things I didn’t get to do or enjoy last year because of you. Turns out, while you gave me moderate PTSD about that place, you didn’t traumatize me enough to keep me from going back. So, thanks for that, too, I guess!

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This post was previously published on Heart Affairs.

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