The Child Inside

When My Heart Leaps Up by William Wordsworth (1770 – 1850)

My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!
The Child is father of the Man;
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

***

The child within all of us is our profound sense of wonder. The child is father of the Man. We all grow old. Time is undefeated. We inevitably decline in time. Yet as we grow older, we can reinvent our sense of childhood wonder and see the world as new. We see what’s possible.

I’m 60 years old. Back in high school, 60 seemed ancient, so far away. I’ve trained in Aikido for almost 35 years. I’ve endured aching knees and back and other pains from various injuries. Some might say, “Age is all in your mind.” That age is just a number.” WTF? In the bigger picture, that narrative dismisses the lifelong discipline of mind, body, and spirit, inventing the greater-than version of oneself. That narrative is for those timid souls who never dared to fail greatly in Theodore Roosevelt’s The Man in the Arena.

In my own trials and tribulations, I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I was that frightened 8-year-old boy who was never good enough for Dad. Now older and perhaps a little wiser, I have as much fun as I can for as long as I can. I do what I love, do what’s meaningful to me.

***

Aikido Founder Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” My GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) opponent shall always be me. I overcome myself, not others. Just train.

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The late Mizukami Sensei taught me Aikido for over 25 years. Sensei became the father who taught me to be a good man, to be of service, and to make a difference. He said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” Heaven was where I stood with Sensei by my side. I had nothing to prove. I was free to be me.

I work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. As a little boy, Dad scared me to my soul. In my work with Lance, I got that whatever I suffered from Dad, he suffered far worse from his dad. Dad did to me what his dad had done to him. He didn’t know any better. That is the legacy of abusive parents.

I don’t forgive Dad for his cruelty and unkindness toward Mom, my sister Carol, and me. I forgave Dad for being afraid, for not knowing how to be a father. I forgave him for being imperfectly human. I forgave myself for not being strong enough to stand up to Dad and protect Mom. I forgave myself for being imperfectly human, too.

I love and forgive myself. I work on myself, not on others. Just train. Looking within myself, I see brave and kind 8-year-old Jon inside, who is the father of me. He raised me. Just saying. Amen.