This dad knows he was a 50/50 parent. In the long run, perhaps his loss of that balance was a good thing.
Yesterday my ex-wife texted me about my son’s phone. She’s still got the kids for 4 more days, and I knew the repair was about $80 bucks, so I asked her why she thought it was necessary to give this task to me? I mean, they spend an exorbitant amount of time at the mall, a simple drop-off and pick-up while they were shopping…
I asked, “Why are you giving this to me?”
My ex-wife, even when she was my wife, is rarely happy with how things are. She used to always complain that she was the only one who cared about the house, who paid bills, who took the kids to doctor’s appointments.
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Then came the extraordinary reply that went into her health, her schedule, her work, and how if she “ever asked” me for anything it was with great effort. Um, yeah, I don’t think so. She asks for other’s to do her “work” all the time.
Am I enjoying some of my ex-wife’s exhaustion too much? Hmm. Good question. Am I withholding support of my kids in order to punish her? No way. So she’d like me to handle this mundane chore while the kids are with her? What? I just didn’t get it. Then in a conversation with another parent, not divorced, I said, “You could be dealing with the exact same shit as a divorced parent. It doesn’t stop.”
And that’s when it hit me. My ex-wife, even when she was my wife, is rarely happy with how things are. She used to always complain that she was the only one who cared about the house, who paid bills, who took the kids to doctor’s appointments. And this is when she was either not working or working 10 – 15 hours a week. Yeah, she was right. There was an imbalance, but it was never enough, no matter how much I pitched in.
And there is one tiny bit of poetic justice here.
At the beginning of our divorce I was asking for 50/50 parenting. I was thinking about the kids and not the child support. And I was denied my request for a number of reasons.
- She was the primary caregiver.
- The kids needed their mother more than their father.
- She was the more responsible parent (keeping track of doctor’s appointments and kid’s school assignments)
- (the big one) If we went to court this is what she would get.
So in the heat of that discussion, I was railroaded into giving up my dreams of being a 50/50 parent. I was told what I was going to get and I accepted their verdict. But I did not agree with 1, 2, or 3 at all. It simply was not true.
What was true is she got the house, a nice child support payment, and 2/3 of the kid’s time. It was a trade-off, I guess. For the money she was given, she would also provide for most of the child care and extracurricular activities. That’s just how it broke down. And this is when our kids were 6 and 8.
Now our kids are 13 and 15 and she’d like A LOT more help with all the parenting duties. That’s understandable. But, it’s not what we agreed to. So perhaps the non-custodial role has some benefit later in the divorce. Perhaps my reward, or my consolation prize (because I would’ve preferred having the kids with me 50% of the time) is that now she also has most of the extracurricular duties as well.
What I can do is be the best dad I can be given the time I have. And I don’t rub the situation in on my ex-wife, though I chuckle a little every time these complaints get filed on me.
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Let me be clear. She was not the primary caregiver. We split that down the middle. From diaper changes, to nighttime feedings, to cleaning up around the house. And I do not agree that mom’s are more necessary for the kids. I believe dad’s get the shit end of the deal in traditional divorce. I think if you parented 50/50 you should divorce 50/50. And finally, she was not the most responsible parent, we had divided some of the parenting duties up, and scheduling was one of hers.
My ex-wife complained when we were married. And now that we’ve been divorced over 6 years she’s still complaining. And while I hear her requests, I also hear her asking for a more 50/50 parenting arrangement, something she denied me. Is it bad that I’m holding back on this? I don’t think so.
Today, with teenagers, I’m not so sure I want 50/50 parenting. Had I been given the same consideration when they were younger, I might think differently today. But I’m getting enough of my kids, at the moment. Sure, I miss them when they are away, but I can’t ever get back their early years. I can’t make up for lost time.
What I can do is be the best dad I can be given the time I have. And I don’t rub the situation in on my ex-wife, though I chuckle a little every time these complaints get filed on me. We’re no longer married. You no longer have my undivided attention for such things as “being tired.”
I love my kids and I still love my ex-wife for being such a good mother. But she’s still the custodial parent, and with that comes a salary and additional responsibilities. That’s what she asked for, that’s what she gets, even today.
Respectfully,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
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related posts:
- Taking Dad for Granted After Divorce
- You Are Ahead by a Century
- The Painful Business of Divorce
- Your Contempt for Me is Hurting All of Us
- The Humans Of Divorce, Dear AG’s Office Special Cases Officer Mr. McK!
- What I Still Fail to Understand About My Ex-wife
- Trusting Your Unreliable Ex
image: still from Mad Men, creative commons usage
I knew writing this that I would draw some ire. That’s okay. The questions posed in the comments are good. I have to consider if my kids want a 50/50 schedule as well. I’m merely thinking things out loud. Feedback welcome, attacks, no so much.
Well aren’t you just a gem…and the narcissist that no one will point out but me. There’s a reason your divorced and I’m guessing just a tad bit you were a significant reason why. Take yourself off the “I’m a freaking awesome dad and awesome ex-husband” pedestal and look at her “complaints” as just simple requests for you to step it up and participate more as a father regardless of what ever you didn’t or did agree with in the divorce settlement. And she needed your help then and she will need it again. She puts up with your crap… Read more »
She Demanded and received the parenting time split she wanted……and that’s the end…….it was her choice…..same as it was her choice to be adversarial. Why isn’t it her responsibility for the consequences for having made those choices. Control issues here…..I want you to do more yet I still retain full control.
Thanks Trey. I’m still considering 50/50 but for my kids, not for her. It’s no longer about her, except to her.
The main people who ‘lose’ with the poisition you have described are your kids. I’m sure they’d get loads out of hanging out with you more. If there are slip ages in a deal made 6 years ago why not make changes – kids win? You win? Wife….not sure. Or do you not win because actually 50/50 parenting would never have suited you in the first place?
Maybe the loss of something that can never be recovered, caused by someone who now finally seems to have regrets and may within parameters they and only they set it, be willing to change only when it finally negatively impacts them? Dads are equally as important as moms ………. an idea that many women will only accept if it benefits them at the time…… when it doesn’t, Dads are disposable.
I don’t agree that dad’s are disposable. They are equally important as moms. Either way – not suggesting a change to the current arrangement, in my view, would be a wasted opportunity to potentially hang out with the kids more. Focusing on the poor qualities and past efforts of the partner just continues a state of disagreement which benefits no one really. Staying with the status qo because an ex is or was unpleasant seems a bit mad. Granted it’s true some people just want the opposite of whatever is placed on the table in front of them. Something I… Read more »
I appreciate your comment. I am working on 50/50 because I want more time with my kids. We haven’t come to an agreement. Turns out the minute I said yes to her request she waffles and says she’s not sure that’s what’s best for the kids. She’s been in control the entire time. That’s how she likes it.
Have I mentioned (again) how loathsome the offparent (unparent) is? Know why there isn’t a “goodwomenproject.com”? Because women aren’t arsed like this one.
Yeah, why isn’t there a goodwomanproject? And you, my cleverly arsed friend, can be the founding member.
Rolling out the old saw that Women are …nicer…better…kinder….more faithful than men are again I see.
Sad … just so sad……that tired rotting b.s. ….dragged out yet again…..Even when we all know it a blatant untruth……just can’t stay away from the old victorian era “moral” invention
I would simply say that you are busy because you don’t have the kids and you made other plans.
My wife would not be happy if my ex-wife tried to get me to do something like that. I’ll say yes to taking my kid to something like a sports practice if we don’t have anything scheduled. And even that gets on my wife’s nerves because for every 40 or more times we take the kids to stuff on their mom’s time, we need help on our time.
It is definitely a case of “be careful what you ask for…”