Ah, we have all been there on our dating journey. Meeting someone we have a deep connection with is beautiful and magical indeed. We stay up late and share stories about our childhood, our thoughts, dreams and inner fears. Share the joy and sorrow that is life.
We feel seen and heard, we feel a sense of belonging. We forge a connection and a bond starts to form.
Since humans are wonderfully clumsy with relationships, eventually all our issues come out and take over the show.
The person we thought we had this bond with starts pulling away. The inconsistency kicks in and our anxiety starts to present itself. This is not healthy. We kick ourselves thinking how could someone we felt so close to suddenly feel so distant?
Well, a connection is not the same as intimacy.
Connection is getting to know each other and listening to each other to know where we both come from. To understand what our foundation in life was.
After the initial connection, intimacy is crucial for a relationship to deepen. It is about being brave enough to start sharing the feelings and thoughts we have in the present moment.
In doing that, we are intimate with each other. We own our emotions and present them to our partners in hopes that they will accept us and not reject us. We get to be vulnerable and yes, that feels scary and risky. But without it, we will never know true compatibility and commitment.
Talking about ourselves is not the same as sharing our inner worlds.
Talking about our childhood is a way to get to know each other, but it is also something we can feel disidentified from. Because it was in the past. We are talking about something that we have no control over anymore. This makes it easier.
When we need to share what we need at the moment, we can’t disconnect from it in any way. It is our truth. And if we grew up with a lot of shame around that, it gets extremely hard.
This is because this pattern is so common among those with an avoidant way of attaching. When someone comes too close, we start to feel pressured. and, we run.
It’s easy to look back and delude ourselves about the connection we had, feeling baffled it ended the way it did.
We need to remember that relationships need to be maintained. We need to be willing to communicate our vulnerability and form a bond of trust with the other person. We need to choose to have a relationship with someone.
The connection can’t do that for us. It makes it easier, yes. But it is not enough.
What we felt was genuine, but without intimacy and the bravery to be vulnerable, we have nothing to work with.
When someone’s fears are bigger than their faith it is hard to sustain a connection, no matter how strong it is
To sum it up…Having a connection is beautiful and a bond starts to form, but without intimacy and most importantly, commitment, all we are left with are illusions without substance.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: jana bemol on Unsplash
