The Consent You Never Gave

I want to talk about something no one taught us in sex ed.
Something that was never written into the pages of the magazines we grew up sneaking off the shelves.
Something most of us (especially women) had to figure out the hard way. And some still don’t even fully understand it.

Consent isn’t just about saying “yes” or “no.”

It’s about presence.
It’s about clarity.
It’s about being in your body enough to mean what you’re saying and to know what you’re feeling.

And the truth that gutted me (the one I didn’t want to look at for years) is this:

You cannot fully give consent when you’re not fully present.
Not when you’re drunk.
Not when you’re high.
Not when you’re lost in trauma you haven’t faced yet.
Not when you’ve spent a lifetime people-pleasing or believing your worth is tied to how desirable you are.

I’ve said “yes” to things that my soul was screaming “no” to.
Maybe you have too.

There was a time I used wine to soften the edges of myself.
To say yes with a smile when everything inside me was shrinking.

In my twenties, married with kids and a life that looked good from the outside, I poured wine over my shame and called it foreplay.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, I did.
But I didn’t know how to be in my body and still feel safe.
So, I disconnected.

Because I had been taught that good women don’t complain.
That sex is part of the job.
That pleasure is for the man, and emotional discomfort is just part of the deal.

So, I performed.
I surrendered when I didn’t want to.
I drank when I didn’t want to feel.

And maybe no one “forced” me, but I didn’t consciously choose either.

And that’s the line I want us to talk about.

We confuse willingness with consent.
But they are not the same.

Willingness is what happens when you go along with something because you don’t want to upset them.
Because you think it’s easier to give in than explain.
Because you’re tired.
Or scared.
Or ashamed.
Or afraid they’ll leave.

Consent, real, sacred, conscious consent, doesn’t come from that place.

It comes from embodiment.
From presence.
From clarity.
It comes from knowing what you feel, what you want, what you need and having the courage to name it.

You can’t access that when you’re dissociated.

You can’t access that when you’re numbing.

You can’t access that when your trauma is driving the car and your body is locked in the back seat.

People think being “under the influence” means intoxicated.
But trauma is an influence too.
And it’s far more common.

The girl who can’t say no because she was taught her body wasn’t hers.
The man who doesn’t know how to ask for what he needs because he’s been punished for having feelings.
The woman who says yes so, her partner doesn’t cheat.
The couple who drinks so they don’t have to talk about what isn’t working.

This is the gray zone no one wants to talk about.
Where sex becomes survival.
Where touch becomes transaction.
Where intimacy becomes something, you endure, not something you desire.

Let’s look at what conscious consent really looks like, shall we?
It looks like choice.
Not coerced.
Not confused.
Not compliant.

It looks like asking yourself:
“Do I want this, or do I just feel like I should?”
“Am I saying yes because I’m turned on or because I’m afraid not to?”
“Am I fully here, in my body, in my breath, in this moment?”

If you don’t know how to answer those questions —
If your “yes” is whispered from a place of fear or obligation or numbness…
Then it’s not really a yes.

And you deserve more than that.
Your body deserves more than that.
Your soul does too.

Let’s understand that healing starts with honesty.
This isn’t about shame.
This isn’t about blaming ourselves for what we didn’t know.

It’s about waking up.

It’s about learning to feel again.
To say no when it’s a no.
To say yes from the center of your body, not the shell of your guilt.

And that kind of consent?
It’s not taught in schools.
It’s born in the quiet moments when you decide you’re done abandoning yourself.

What This Book Is Actually About
When I wrote Sober Sex, people assumed it was a book about never drinking again.
It’s not.

It’s a book about presence.
It’s a book about self-trust.
It’s a book about learning to want again and only say yes when you mean it.

Because substances aren’t the real problem.
Numbing is.
Disconnection is.
The belief that your boundaries don’t matter is.

And this book is your permission slip to come home to yourself.
To feel again.
To choose again.
To ask for what you want and say no to what you don’t.

You deserve sex that honors you.
You deserve love that doesn’t require anesthesia.
You deserve a “yes” that comes from your whole self, not the part of you still trying to survive.

And if no one ever told you that before,
Let this musing be your sign.

Because the most radical thing you can do in a world that teaches you to disappear…
Is to stay.

Read the book. Share your story. Feel the fire again.
💬 Sober Sex is FREE on Kindle until July 12.
📖 Paperback is discounted to $12.99 until August 1.
📘 Book Club begins July 15.

As always loving you from here,
Rene Schooler

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This post was previously published on medium.com.