Two years ago, I helped Jennifer* as she packed her bags and hauled them into the car. Her mascara had been running as she cried. Her now-ex Alex* had said something far too screwed up for her to continue the relationship.
In a couple of months, she will have pushed through divorce filings. She tried to keep it amicable and stuff was split according to the prenup. She left her ring on the table, even though I told her to pawn it. You might be wondering what made her decide to leave him.
Well, it was the case of “what if” that ran amok in Alex’s mind. I like to call these the “Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda’s.”
Everyone has a “what if” that they resent not knowing the answer to.
Alex, like myself, was considered to be an ultra-nerd in high school and college. No one touched people like us. So, he was one of those guys who married the first girl who showed interest in him.
Jen was good to him. She really, truly did enjoy and adore his pudgy figure. Heck, she even helped fund his Warhammer addiction — and I think gamers understand why that makes her a keeper.
However, something got into him as of late. Something that would eventually eat at him until he ruined his life.
What Sparked The Divorce
Alex had become a teacher in a high school setting, and he was nearing his mid-20s. The longer he stayed married, the longer he started to look at kids in his classes with envy. He saw them having flings, talking about girlfriends, and more. This was something he missed out on in high school.
Eventually, he started to get a case of the “Coulda, Woulda, Should’as.” He started to think that he could have had a period of sowing his wild oats. He then started to think that he would have found someone better if he did. And that he should have done this before he married.
Though he knew he had a good thing at home, he started to resent Jennifer for “taking that away from him.” He started to nag at the “what ifs” of trying to date around more before he married. And he started to regret marrying her, despite all she did for him.
As days turned to months, he started to act angry around her. He started to ogle other women, got icy towards her, and even picked fights. Jennifer scrambled to try to fix things, but the more she tried, the more he bucked.
It Came To A Head
Jennifer fought for her relationship hard. She decided to book a day’s holiday at a hotel for the two of them and bought some lingerie. He refused to touch her. She burst into tears and asked what she did wrong.
Alex coldly told her, “I could have been with ten other girls today. You just were the first one to like me and I just ran with it like a fucking idiot. I should have never married you.”
She got up off the bed, called her friends, and went home. He stayed in the hotel, doing what? We don’t know. Honestly, we were way more concerned about Jen than him, anyway.
All I know is that by the time he came home, me and a bunch of her friends moved her stuff out and she had already served him papers. She moved in with her parents.
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda
So, the hard part about the Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda’s is that it’s all an illusion. Moreover, it’s an illusion that tends to tear us down and make us resent the reality of things.
Yes, we all daydream about what life would have been if group x wanted us around instead of group y. We all wonder if we should have stayed in school or stayed single. It’s natural, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
In a parallel universe, we all might have better spouses, better careers, or better families. If you live a decent life and don’t have a home that is abusive, neglectful, or problematic, it’s important to recognize what you have.
The biggest problem that people often have is that they fall in love with potential, and pursue that over what is really there. Without fail, not seeing what you truly have ends up harming you. Without fail, running after potential will harm you.
This is true about the girl who stays with an abuser because he should get better, just as much as it is about the guy who leaves a marriage because he could get more girls. Would either person give a damn until it’s too little, too late? Nope.
Practice Gratitude, And Be Honest About What You Have
After about six months, Alex realized that the girl he had was the one for him. Unfortunately, she had already moved on. She did not want to take him back, nor should she want to forgive him for that transgression. Alex remains single today, so he got his wish.
Don’t be an Alex. Be realistic about your relationship, and don’t get caught up on the “what if.” If you have a partner who loves you, respects you, cares for you, and desires you, you’re already way ahead of the game. Not everyone gets that these days.
Breakups are something that you should do when your partner isn’t treating you well and when you can directly link your partner’s actions to a serious decline in your life quality. No relationship is perfect, but the right relationship will give you a better quality of life.
You cannot rewind the hands of time and get high school friendships, parties, and flings you didn’t get. Moreover, you can’t assume that life is a giant rom-com where another partner is around the corner. Contrary to popular belief, there might not always be someone there.
What I’m saying is that a little gratitude for the relationships that improve your life goes a long way. Now let’s look at another Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda:
- Alex could have seen that he had someone who loved him and supported him.
- Had he done all that, he would have had her in his life for years to come.
- He should have thanked her and ignored the “what ifs.”
….But, it’s a bit too late for that.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Beatriz Pérez Moya on Unsplash
