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Transcript provided by YouTube:
0:02
let’s get into it porn in relationships
0:06
or with someone you are dating so are
0:08
you okay with the person you’re dating
0:10
or in a relationship with watching porn
0:12
what were these comments um well we had
0:15
some really interesting comments on it
0:17
one of the most upvoted comments was a
0:20
woman who wrote it ruined my marriage he
0:23
became sexually violent and desensitized
0:26
I personally don’t want my future
0:28
partner binging or willingly lusting
0:31
after another woman’s body I’ll stop
0:34
there
0:35
and somebody wrote underneath that
0:37
comment saying it’s true it’s ruined so
0:40
many relationship porn kills love that
0:43
was one of the most upvoted comments
0:45
which I think you know is and we’re
0:47
going to get much deeper than this but I
0:49
think it’s a point that’s really
0:51
important to address which is
0:53
I think a worry and a fear if you take
0:55
jealousy and kind of uncomfortability
0:57
aside I think the worry for women is is
1:00
it going to basically make
1:02
what women really enjoy during sex
1:04
becomes so far from what men enjoyed
1:07
doing
1:08
does that make sense like female
1:11
pleasure is already something that you
1:13
know takes a vaccine in a lot of sexual
1:15
relationships and I think when you watch
1:17
porn it’s very much aimed at turning on
1:19
men not very much at turning on women
1:22
so it’s sort of like is that going to be
1:25
over time if you have somebody who
1:27
consumes a lot of porn is it going to
1:28
mean that your intimacy is going to be
1:30
good in such a way that you’re not going
1:32
to be able to get pleasure out of it and
1:34
you know what she’s saying is it made
1:35
him sexually violent which I think is
1:37
quite common and she’s also saying that
1:41
um it desensitized him
1:44
which I think is another point you know
1:46
if you’re subjecting to a lot of kind of
1:48
highly sexual and intense
1:51
pornography you know the real Act of sex
1:54
real life active sex might just end up
1:56
feeling very vanilla yes I like I there
2:01
is a obviously so much porn
2:05
Trends towards
2:07
being
2:08
either
2:11
um aggressive
2:14
demeaning it can be degrading
2:19
um you know
2:20
it trains people to think in a certain
2:24
look it’s very this is very complex
2:27
because
2:29
on one hand
2:31
you can say it
2:33
trains people to think about sex a
2:35
certain way
2:36
on the other hand you can say these
2:38
sites are purely capitalist sites they
2:41
just want to make money
2:43
and they are just creating
2:46
what people will watch
2:49
and when a category is popular they
2:53
spend more money and time
2:55
creating porn around that category oh
2:58
it’s just yeah it’s the free market but
3:00
in the same way that
3:01
Facebook and Twitter is the free market
3:03
which is just getting worse and worse
3:06
and more you know it’s a in the same way
3:08
that you know conspiracy theory and
3:11
stuff that just outrages you is getting
3:14
the most attention on those other places
3:16
as soon as you put an algorithm in
3:17
charge
3:18
that the porn algorithm is just going to
3:21
be upping the game every time the same
3:24
way those other ones are right because
3:26
that’s
3:27
I suppose in the same way that you see
3:30
with newspapers right I have to be I
3:33
have to as a newspaper try to become
3:35
more and more scandalous
3:37
in order to stand out correct and as you
3:41
say the same is true of Facebook you
3:42
have to keep pushing the boat out become
3:44
more and more outrageous or anger people
3:46
more and more
3:48
to get those clicks and porn naturally
3:51
is it’s gonna it’s like a
3:54
in order to do something different you
3:56
have to keep doing something different
3:59
um that that doesn’t naturally explain
4:01
why stuff that’s aggressive towards
4:03
women
4:04
wins
4:06
um but there is clearly something in the
4:10
male psyche that that is speaking to
4:12
that that is playing on and does well
4:16
for that reason
4:18
so I think that it’s fair
4:21
to say that if in the same way that if
4:26
you’re watching if you’re on Facebook
4:27
and getting made to be angry all the
4:29
time
4:30
then you’re getting an angry and
4:32
unnatural amount of the time
4:35
if in porn you’re consistently watching
4:39
things that
4:40
dominate women
4:42
which some women want some women are
4:45
into
4:46
and a lot aren’t right so it’s not like
4:48
that it’s not like I I don’t want I want
4:51
to separate things right because
4:52
whatever role play people have within
4:54
the context of their bedroom is fine
4:56
with me if they’re both if they both if
4:58
it excites them I don’t care who
5:00
dominates who
5:01
but the
5:03
the kind of trend of constantly
5:07
just barraging like bombarding people
5:10
with stuff that is has no care for the
5:15
female experience at all but
5:17
simultaneously makes it look like the
5:20
woman is having the best time ever
5:22
that is that creates a very very on the
5:25
on the worst side aggressive partner but
5:27
on the even on the mod kind of uh
5:31
uh what’s the word even on the more
5:33
innocuous side it just creates a very
5:35
selfish
5:36
sexual partner before you carry on with
5:39
the video I wanted to tell you about
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5:43
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5:57
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5:58
dating them for months or years this is
6:01
going to help you build yourself back to
6:03
a place of confidence whether it’s
6:05
having the confidence to reach back out
6:07
to that person but in a powerful high
6:09
value way or whether it’s the confidence
6:11
to move on from them once and for all
6:14
check it out at moveonstrong.com it’s a
6:17
great training and it’s completely free
6:20
back to the video which I think is an
6:22
interesting point because
6:24
um and I can only speak to how I’m from
6:27
what I’ve seen in the comments and what
6:28
I know women
6:31
to feel and I I can’t speak for every
6:33
woman but
6:34
I think the kind of the issue that
6:36
people women take to porn and to their
6:39
Partners watching porn comes from the
6:41
fact that you know
6:42
the male orgasm is always overvalued in
6:47
comparison to the female orgasm meaning
6:49
you would very imagine having sex with
6:51
someone and she came and you didn’t that
6:54
is just that just wouldn’t happen it
6:56
just seems like such a strange thing
6:57
you’d have to somehow make yourself
6:59
orgasm after that happened so whereas
7:03
there are so many times when women don’t
7:05
get to climax during sex and I think
7:07
that the frustration on to that point
7:10
particularly I think for women is that
7:13
it ends up
7:15
as you say not taking into consideration
7:17
at all the female experience because
7:20
it’s so heavily geared towards what
7:22
turns men on and then if you carry that
7:25
over completely directly into the
7:27
bedroom you end up having as you say a
7:31
very one-sided and selfish experience
7:33
which is already
7:34
something that women have to fight
7:35
against I actually feel like there’s a
7:37
different problem I mean that’s
7:39
definitely a problem too but the most
7:41
visceral problem that I’ve just noticed
7:43
is just unrealistic expectation and when
7:46
you say like oh what if she doesn’t
7:48
climax it’s like well actually the porn
7:50
you see now is just like what if she
7:52
doesn’t have seven orgasms you know it’s
7:55
just like everything after 30 seconds
7:57
it’s so performative yeah and fake like
8:00
coincidentally I watched the movie last
8:02
night Don John
8:04
um when he was he’s got a it’s Joseph
8:07
Gordon-Levitt and uh Scarlett Johansson
8:09
it’s a good movie it’s a great little
8:11
movie is I think it’s a directorial
8:12
debut actually Joseph Gordon-Levitt but
8:15
he’s got a massive porn addiction he’s
8:17
not having any real connection with the
8:19
person that he’s having sex with he’s
8:21
just having
8:22
whatever idea that is in his head that
8:25
the porn the unrealistic expectation of
8:27
porn is taking up and it just takes him
8:29
out of reality
8:31
and I think that’s the part that is
8:33
really Insidious and I probably come
8:35
into this a little bit more I feel like
8:37
at least more open-minded than a lot of
8:39
these comments because a lot of these
8:40
comments are just like no it shouldn’t
8:42
like if you ask them if you ask a lot of
8:44
these people they probably think it
8:45
should be outlawed or something it’s
8:47
just not really what I think the case is
8:49
but I think you have to be really honest
8:51
with yourself about just what a
8:53
performance and what a
8:55
what a piece of phoniness at all is
8:59
really
9:00
I go for I mean God help people who kind
9:02
of start off
9:04
on their sexual Journey as teenagers
9:06
with all of that because the insecurity
9:10
that must breed and how much harder it
9:12
is to navigate a woman than porn
9:14
suggests it is
9:16
that you are just going to be able to
9:18
get someone off that easily
9:21
um it that that’s not a good thing
9:24
either so in that sense it’s not good
9:26
for anyone’s self-esteem well it’s
9:29
causing massive amounts of sexual
9:31
anxiety it’s actually interesting you
9:33
say that we had a comment from someone
9:34
who said it depends what they’re
9:36
watching and whether they know the
9:38
difference between real life and porn
9:41
men my age in Brackets in their 30s
9:44
think that what men and women do during
9:46
porn is completely normal romance is
9:50
dead it’s that’s interesting I feel like
9:52
that’s not giving men in their 30s an
9:54
awful lot of credit I thought she was
9:56
going to say like
9:57
men in their 30s know the difference
10:00
yeah I I mean
10:04
we you know you fall like I I kind of
10:07
want to zoom out a little bit but I just
10:08
want to make this point before we do the
10:11
when
10:12
a movie director suggests that it’s
10:15
utterly crazy
10:17
that their movie could have caused any
10:21
kind of
10:22
violence at all
10:24
and that there is no connection between
10:27
real life violence and what people see
10:29
in movies that to me
10:32
seems
10:35
willfully intellectually dishonest
10:39
because things do have
10:42
things make an impression on us in
10:44
unconscious ways I drank I drank more
10:47
old Fashions after watching Mad Men
10:49
than I did beforehand
10:51
because you saw John Draper drinking
10:53
old-fashions all the time Mitch Jameson
10:55
and I we ate oysters in New York and
10:57
drank martinis because of an episode of
10:59
Mad Men and it’s true you took me to
11:01
Waffle House because of an episode of
11:04
the hot Parts Unknown that was a
11:06
misogynist for three years after Mad Men
11:10
not true Jameson but that’s but that’s
11:14
the reality is if if we weren’t
11:16
influenced by things then
11:19
companies wouldn’t spend money on
11:21
Advertising wouldn’t make sense
11:23
companies aren’t stupid they don’t flush
11:26
money down the toilet
11:27
so things can have an influence on us
11:32
and they can build new associations
11:35
porn is no different in that respect it
11:39
can influence us but
11:41
there’s a difference between influence
11:44
and being like I don’t know the
11:46
difference and I think that people who
11:48
have had long-term relationships
11:51
generally I would argue know the
11:54
difference
11:56
now
11:57
I do think that it gets in someone’s it
12:00
can take someone trending down a path of
12:03
being more and more ignorant of someone
12:05
else’s sexual experience being more and
12:07
more sexually aggressive
12:10
um
12:12
and I also hear what she’s saying about
12:15
desensitization because I think that’s a
12:17
real thing that
12:19
is in some ways I think more even more
12:23
likely
12:24
than someone becoming sexually
12:26
aggressive that’s not me saying
12:29
I don’t think people don’t become more
12:32
sexually aggressive through porn I think
12:34
a lot of people do
12:36
but
12:37
the desensitization within relationships
12:40
I think happens to a lot of people
12:42
because or even outside of relationships
12:45
because they are just
12:47
you can drown yourself in this world of
12:49
extremes
12:51
that is very disassociated
12:55
it’s a very disassociated experience
12:57
watching porn you’re on the outside of
13:01
it you’re not connected to anything
13:04
it’s a very disconnected experience
13:07
which is why most people
13:10
if they are being
13:12
self-aware and introspective about it
13:14
will say that
13:15
after they’ve come through porn they
13:19
they feel kind of slightly
13:22
it’s not like anyone feels better
13:24
afterwards
13:25
some maybe some people do but most
13:28
people will say it’s not like my
13:30
proudest moment after I’ve done that I
13:32
don’t then think
13:33
what a great way I just spent the last
13:35
20 minutes
13:37
or is that how long it takes 20 minutes
13:39
that was the funny thing about the movie
13:40
where it’s like actually just picking
13:42
the Right video that takes a long time
13:43
but Don John once he finds the Right
13:46
video but that’s how he wasted his whole
13:48
you know in a weird way that becomes the
13:52
kind of metaphor
13:55
for what it does to people’s sex lives
13:59
because the experience of searching on
14:02
porn is that you’re always looking for
14:05
the perfect thing
14:08
you didn’t you don’t even know what the
14:11
perfect thing is
14:13
you’re just
14:14
searching and
14:16
and they know that and it’s like
14:19
dragging you down this rabbit hole and
14:21
that rabbit hole and so on and there’s
14:24
nothing present
14:26
about it
14:27
it’s this it’s like the slot machine as
14:30
applied to sex
14:33
and there’s always thinking there’s this
14:35
bigger jackpot there’s this other
14:37
experience
14:38
and when that carries over into
14:41
someone’s real life
14:43
their sex can become disassociated it
14:46
can become disconnected it’s hard for
14:48
someone to have real Intimacy in the
14:51
same way and it’s hard to connect to the
14:55
real experience of it and be present
14:57
with it because you’re used to playing
14:59
that slot machine
15:02
thanks for watching the video I hope you
15:04
enjoyed it before you go head on over to
15:07
moveonstrong.com where I give a free
15:10
video training for anybody who is
15:13
struggling to move on from someone in
15:15
their life check it out at
15:17
moveonstrong.com and I’ll see you there
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
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