The Day I Choose Myself

People say kindness never goes unnoticed. They say it comes back, like some karmic reward wrapped in gratitude. But they don’t tell you about the days when it doesn’t. They don’t warn you about the weight of being the person who always understands, who always shows up, who always says, “It’s okay,” even when it isn’t.

I’ve been that person. The fixer. The listener. The one who folds away their own needs like a crumpled piece of paper so no one has to feel uncomfortable. I’ve given my time, my energy, my heart — all under the belief that it mattered. That I mattered.

But people are mean. Not always in the dramatic, villainous way — no. It’s the subtle meanness that leaves the deepest cuts. The kind that comes from those you once held close. The people who smile to your face but roll their eyes the moment you turn away. The ones who take your presence for granted, only remembering you exist when they need something. And when they’re done, they leave. Always.

I thought I was more than just a temporary convenience. I thought that if I gave enough, loved enough, endured enough — they’d stay. But I see it now. I was never the destination. I was the bridge. The in-between. A means to an end.

And God, it hurts.

It hurts to realize that all the words I spoke in their defense, all the times I showed up, all the times I bit my tongue to keep the peace — none of it made a difference. Because in the end, they never truly saw me as a person. I was just a utility and a stepping stone.

I don’t know when I lost myself. Maybe it happened gradually. One compromise at a time. One apology that wasn’t mine to give. One small silence when I should’ve screamed. Until eventually, I became the background noise in my own life.

But no more.

I’ve decided to ghost them all. Not out of anger but out of necessity. I am done handing out pieces of myself to people who see me as disposable. I am done giving and giving until there’s nothing left.

Moving forward, I will no longer stand second to their selfish agendas. I will not rearrange my world to accommodate theirs. I will choose myself — in the quietest, most deliberate ways. No grand announcements. No dramatic exits. Just a slow retreat into the parts of life that make me feel whole again.

I will read books that remind me how words can heal. I will sit in coffee shops alone, savoring the warmth of a cup between my palms, and watch strangers pass by without wondering if they, too, are pretending to be okay. I will listen to music without tying every lyric to a memory I’d rather forget.

And I will stop looking for kindness in places where it doesn’t live.

Maybe one day, people will notice I’m gone. Maybe they’ll wonder why their messages go unanswered, why the usual “I’m always here for you” has quietly disappeared. Or maybe they won’t. Maybe I’ll be just another void they fill with someone else.

But I won’t be waiting to find out.

This time, I chose myself.

Day 66/100

Office, Gurgaon

~ A

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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