I wish I could be surprised by the escalations in last week’s protest events. One look at the way the police in most of the cities deployed and I could predict the outcome. It’s simply the same result I have witnessed countless times with the couples I’ve worked with, only writ large.
If you come to an interaction prepared for conflict, I guarantee you will find it. It’s the way many show up for a “conversation” with their spouse. Showing up in full riot gear and armed with tear gas, pepper spray and rubber bullets, there is an expectation they will be needed. Escalation is already there, waiting for a “provocation”.
Compare that to the way police showed up in Houston and Miami. No batons, helmets, or shields. Just a welcome and a willingness to listen, no matter how painful or emotion-laden the words. As a result—no rioting. This is the path to de-escalation and, ultimately, resolution.
Even in Durham, just up the road, there was no confrontation between police and protesters. What police presence could be seen was in cruisers blocking the side streets so the protesters could march. No attempting to get them out of the way using an SUV or two to push them aside, or run them over, not sure what the NYPD’s goal was.
Yes, the protesters are angry and emotional. That doesn’t invalidate their point or their purpose. The African-American community’s calm requests for change, to be heard, to be accepted, to not be murdered in the streets or their own homes have gone unheeded for far too long.
I am aware of my white privilege and try to be aware of my biases. I’m sure I’m not aware of all of them. I am a work in progress and am open to learning. However, my good intentions don’t matter if I am causing pain. They really don’t matter if I dismiss another’s experience because it’s not my own. But that’s what’s been happening for decades—even with video evidence of excessive, inappropriate, and deadly force.
I didn’t fear for my son’s life when he was pulled over for speeding a few years back. His car doesn’t have automatic windows and the trooper came to the passenger side. He had to reach over to roll down the window. I don’t know if he gave it a second thought, but I did when he shared the story.
And stop with the “what about isms”. There is no equivalence between looting and murdering unarmed, and often, innocent people. Even if someone passed a bad $20, sold a single cigarette, or didn’t signal a lane change that shouldn’t result in a death sentence. These things don’t happen to white people so stop changing the subject.
No, all police officers and departments aren’t bad—see Miami, Houston, and Durham above. But none are perfect. It’s difficult to hear criticism when you have a positive view of yourself. It can be hard to accept you may not be handling a situation in the best way. It’s tough to see that you are part of the problem. But you always are. As am I. It takes courage to be vulnerable and acknowledge there is much you don’t know. But that is how growth and healing can happen.
I don’t know for sure but I have to believe people of color are exhausted. The amount of energy that is expended to monitor their safety and that of their loved ones has to be enormous. That constant stress is debilitating—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It is not of their making and it’s long past time for it to stop.
Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “People fail to get along because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don’t know each other; they don’t know each other because they have not communicated with each other.” People of color have been talking. It’s time they were finally heard.
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Previously Published on The Hero Husband Project
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