The Differences That Bring Us Together

When was the last time you experienced being heard when talking about your passions? How did it feel?

It is very human-like to be filled with joy the moment you find someone interested in you and what you are keen on with no judgement or prejudice, just interest.

It can easily be seen how the curiosity of a friend, or a partner can be a great predisposition to building a deeper bond between both parties. It can give a sense of belonging, a sense of being seen. The validation that our feelings and emotions are important can be a strong tool in any relationship.

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In the book The Trusted Advisor, the authors claim that in the basis of any trusting relationship are the art of active listening, and paying attention to what we don’t know. During conversations, we are often caught up in thinking how to respond, if we had similar experience that we could share, or worse, we give advice on how the other party should solve their issues without even asking us about this. On the side of the unknown in the communication is the possibility of a deeper trust and intimacy if we only choose to be curious enough to understand where the other person is coming from.

When we meet the unknown, we tend to feel uncomfortable — we are not experts on the subject, we might be prejudiced as well. During such a conversation either a conflict can arise or a change in the subject in the search for the next common topic. Curiosity might not be the most comfortable choice but it is the most beneficial for the relationship. By being curious we create new opportunities even to rediscover over and over again people we’ve known for ages.

This curious approach can be helpful in all kinds of relationships — with our partners, friends, parents, or colleagues. We are used to thinking that we need to have many similar interests with others to have beautiful conversations. However, the reality is that we are all one-of-a-kind, we all sparkle in different ways, and thanks to different things.

In the best case — at the offset of a relationship, we might have a lot in common, we might have those long conversations, the phrase “Oh, really? Me too.” might come up so many times, and naturally, the person on the other side feels close — we are similar in so many ways, they must be our soulmate, we have so much in common.

Well, it is great while you have it, however, with time people change and if we want to have relationships that would stand the test of time it might be beneficial to be open to the differences that would come up between us.

In her book The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin talks about the thing that helps the most in communicating with children, calms them down in situations of frustration and helps them build confidence from a young age — which is empathy. It seems that empathy helps to affirm a child’s emotions, even if this means for the parent to agree that it can be a very burdensome task to have to put your shoes on. It can be very tough to not tell your child to just stop crying and be quiet in all those petty situations that make a child annoyed. Of course, who would need those random bursts of cry? It can be hard to think all the time where your kid is coming from. However, this approach is proven to strengthen the relationship between the child and the parent. The child doesn’t feel left out and misunderstood in the end.

If this can help in a relationship with a little one, I see no reason why this would not work with adults as well. Curiosity and empathy have a lot in common — there is the pure intention to understand more, accept the other person in the conversation with all their wishes and emotions, interests, or drives. Theirs might be completely different from yours, but that is okay, you don’t need to agree with everything. Respect toward the other’s opinions can go a long way. You would be happy if you would receive such attention as well.

“You’re not taking interest in the hobby, you’re taking interest in their interest.”

As the psychotherapist Matthias James Barker mentioned — true intimacy is not found in the similarities but in being curious about the differences. This doesn’t mean you have to start doing the hobby of your partner if it doesn’t excite you in the same way. As Barker has put it: “You’re not taking interest in the hobby, you’re taking interest in their interest.” This in the end brings the potential to expand your own experiences as well as your relationship.

We are all unique and change is inevitable — we are about to find this next topic that excites us, or maybe this new style of living that we are so passionate about. Of course, some of our surroundings might change in the process, but what if we were just a bit more open and accepting of different views? In addition to enriching our lives and deepening our relationships in this way, there is also a thing for us to take— based on the logic of lateral thinking, we can literally be better equipped to solve all kinds of unusual issues in our own lives with such surrounding.

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There is obviously so much to win by being more open, but how to bring this approach in your relationships? Try to lift the attention from you to the other person in the conversation, don’t focus on how you could respond, but listen to understand what they have to say. More open-ended questions and being present with your full attention to the other party are key. From then on, just go with the flow of the conversation and enjoy how they would light up when talking about a loved subject. The rest will follow naturally.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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