Most people don’t go into relationships thinking about the end.
But not me.
The problem with me is that with any potential relationship that comes my way, I’m already thinking about how it will end, whose going to end it, and what I have to do to get them to call the relationship “quits” so that I don’t have to. Because confrontation is not my thing.
I’m that ghost who will ghost you if I’m not having a good time. I am also the one who will stay away from you for as long as I can if you piss me off or hurt me. I am also the girl who is not that forgiving. And yeah, I’m the one who will block you because over time I had developed this mentality that I don’t need anyone and I am this lone ranger who can make it on my own.
However, during desperate times, when I need someone the most, there is no one — because I’ve cut off all ties to those potential relationships.
I’ve never learned how to develop a relationship with people because not only do they take work, but I fear that committing to one means making sacrifices. Something I’m just not willing to do just for anyone unless there is something in it for me. Another problem with me, I don’t look too much into my future and thus building a relationship has always been a temporary thing for me.
Thinking about all this was when I realized that I may have commitment issues.
The Fear of Commitment
Commitment phobia is any fear of any kind of commitment made to other people. It prevents those who have it from making decisions, getting involved with a romantic partner and having potential friends. (1)
What Causes Commitment Phobia
The fear of commitment can happen to anyone and people who have it may even have the desire to make a commitment — but for some reason, they are not able to. They may start and then pull back.
Most phobias, including this one, can be due to a traumatic experience such as an abusive relationship or a hurtful failed one.
Cheating in a relationship is a breach of trust that most people can relate to. Once someone gets cheated on, it may be difficult for that person to start trusting again. For some people, the ability to heal is very slow and may affect future potential relationships. In fact, someone whose been betrayed may potentially see the world as unkind, and start having doubts about people’s motivations and intentions.
Others see commitment as morally weak — commitment may sound like a trap. There are unhappy marriages that people choose to stay in for their own reasons. Not to be judgemental, but why marry? Why stay when all you think about is getting out?
How’s that for being a commitment-phobe?
Common causes of commitment phobia include (2):
- The abrupt end of a relationship
- Fear of being in a wrong relationship
- Fear of infidelity
- Doubts that you are not the right person or your partner
- Trust issues for one reason and the other
- Childhood trauma
- The struggle faced due to unsuccessful marriage of parents
Yes, I have a commitment phobia.
What Commitment Phobia Looks Like (3)
If you think you have a commitment phobia maybe you can relate to:
- Not taking relationships seriously
- Spending time questioning the relationship
- Not willing to make arrangements
- Protective emotions
- You feel uneasy, and maybe feel trapped if the other person is investing more than you.
If you do relate, you and I are going through the same pain.
Romantic Relationships
All of my romantic relationships have been very short-lived, and I kept it that way for a reason.
You see, I already know that the best part of a new relationship is the beginning. I thrive off it and get a lot of inspiration.
Every time a new relationship starts, I typically know how it is going to end. Preferably, it is with me leaving, however, it’s gone both ways before. My personal rule is that I have to be the one going and not them leaving me.
Because in all honesty, I can get attached almost too quickly and me leaving is my way of having more control of a situation where I’m destined to get hurt if I don’t think thrice. Yes, I have been hurt. The first couple of times is the most painful but you get used to it because all good things end. I tell myself this all the time.
Romantic flings are exciting, but that heightened feeling of love or lust goes down with time, and I never want to get there. Because the moment I have to start making compromises is the same moment that I want out of it.
If it is not fun anymore, I have no reason to stay because falling in love is temporary, and once you “fall in love,” you can also “fall out of love.”
Yes, I have a commitment phobia.
The Idea of Marriage
To me, being with the same person for the rest of your life can either be a blessing or a curse.
Many people get married for different reasons. But to be wed just hasn’t sat well with me. You see, I am aware of more problematic marriages than ones that work out. But even the ones that work out make me a bit skeptical.
To me, everyone is a cheater. Cheating within a relationship, marriage or not, is almost entirely normal for me because I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it first hand, and sure I don’t talk about it, but I know what cheating is, what it can do to a relationship, and the long-term consequences.
In fact, I’ve been desensitized to it all. As I have told my story before, my therapist has suggested that cheating within my family had become a traumatic experience. I hate to admit it, but she’s probably right because I haven’t met many people who think this way about marriage. But I am pretty sure they are there.
Besides, everyone is divorcing anyway, so why bother?
Maybe people are marrying for the wrong reasons, ever thought of that?
Now, I’m not exactly 100% against marriage because I firmly believe that a marriage can work out if and only if both individuals benefit from the union.
Duh? right?
Marriage, to me, is a contract. There are circumstances where a marriage needs to be broken. But “falling out of love” with the other should not be a reason. However, you can convince me otherwise. In fact, invite you to.
Making Friends & Keeping Them
Based on my personal experience, it hasn’t been that difficult for me to make friends, other than the anxiety I get when people want to get close to me quickly. The closer people get to me, the more I am hesitant to see them again.
I always ask people, “What does a friend look like to you?”. When it comes to friendships, maybe my standards are a bit high. I don’t just call anyone a friend, however, I do know a lot of people. I can hang out with these people, eat lunch with them during break time, invite them to follow me on my social media accounts but to me, they aren’t necessarily friends. There is always going to be potential though…but I tread very lightly.
What I have learned is that a “friend” means different things to different people. To some, a friend is someone you see every week on the weekends. Others don’t need to see them as frequently. In fact, a phone call is more than enough.
When it comes to friendships, I still don’t know exactly what I want except for the fact that if I like that person I will pursue them more than usual. But I’m not sure if it’s because I want to be friends with them or if I just like their company.
I really don’t know.
And that another problem of mine.
Where I Am Now
If you know my work, I write a lot about loneliness and building meaningful relationships. I definitely know what I need to do, but I admit I struggle to get there for some reason.
Building a relationship takes a lot of work, and most times I don’t have the motivation to pursue them. Sometimes I feel like most people aren’t worth the investment.
And that’s another problem for me.
I’m not into potential friendships that exist just to exist. I yearn for more meaningful connections/relationships that I know exist but can be challenging to obtain. But I know they are there.
I want a relationship where I can speak my mind without having to worry about offending anyone. Which is never my intention by the way. But also, knowing me, I like to talk a lot of random shit and it would be nice if someone was there to listen to me. But no, a lot of people are not that receptive. Sometimes I wonder if it is me who needs to change.
Like most people, I want a relationship where we can have deep and meaningful conversations. But also have those comfortable silences with another that is typically considered awkward for everyone else.
These are the relationships that are worth investing in, for me. Now, my wants and your wants may be different, but everyone needs some sort of tribe (see blog post: How To Build Your Tribe From The Ground Up). Having the support system is one that I so much would like to have. But maybe I’m not with the right people.
I’m sometimes convinced that it is not me, but rather is me in a relationship with other people.
I don’t really know but desperate times call for desperate measures.
In conclusion…
I know I’ve talked a lot about my commitment issues in this post. But I also wanted to tell you that I’ve been wanting to overcome them for a while now despite these issues.
Deep down, I want a substantial relationship because romantic flings just aren’t cutting it for me anymore.
Relationships are important to one’s own well-being. Most importantly, positive and meaningful relationships are the ones that increase life satisfaction. I often feel like I lack these types of relationships.
Because I currently have a lot of things to be grateful for and the only thing that is missing in my life is the security of substantial relationships. I know that things can get worse for me if I don’t do anything about it.
Part of me thinks it is me.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: Denys Nevozhai on Unsplash