The First Date That Came Too Late: Lessons From a Failed Marriage

What if I have gotten it all wrong?

What if I have somehow missed some truth — overlooked some love — that was sent my way by my soon-to-be ex?

What if I make a mistake here and throw away three decades of life together simply because I was not open to seeing him or perhaps his love?

It’s been a year since my soon-to-be ex made a decision that put us on the track to divorce. Somehow, these questions tease and taunt me from time to time.

For several years, finding solutions for our mounting conflicts and challenges has had an abysmal success rate. However, I had been committed to finding a way to make this marriage work despite those difficulties.

I made a vow — a promise before God and everyone else — that I would see this thing through. And now I find myself in the uncomfortable space of unwinding it all.

Perhaps what makes it most troubling is that I really meant the “‘til death do we part” bit.

Then he crossed a hard, long-discussed boundary that had been clearly stated along with the consequences of doing so. It makes me wonder if he did it on purpose so that the implosion of the marriage would be my fault and he could continue to dismiss his role in all of it, but that is a long pondering for another day.

Changes are Coming!

The vast distance between us has been highlighted in the past month in some pretty stark ways. Our teenager has been away at a camp for several weeks and my business travel has kept me out-of-town more than in town.

As my move-out date is getting closer, we are reaching the point of finalizing our decisions through a mediator. My mind wonders about the finality of it all. This is much too important to get wrong and dismantling my family and home has not been an easy process.

I decided to give it one more shot in case I had missed something. What if absence does make the heart grow fonder?

One More Last Chance

I wanted to show up open and with the best version of myself. I wanted to see where the conversations would lead. I wanted to give him the gift of my full presence without judgment or expectations. I wanted to see if there was any chance that there was something there between us — anything at all — that would give me a pause before the next steps finalize our undoing.

So, I asked him on a date.

I hoped it could be like a first date that came without a lot of history and expectations. I wanted the chance to see if there was any space that we could meet and cultivate together.

There used to be something there. I know it. I have fond memories from our first decade together.

What if there is something that remains from those days? Is there any spark that could give a drop of hope to the doomed relationship?

He accepted the invitation. With all the hope I could muster, I dared to show up with my authentic self, a healthy dose of curiosity sprinkled with cautious optimism, and my favorite lipstick.

We went to a local Mexican restaurant with great food and an easy, laid-back atmosphere. I mean — what kind of people can’t get along over a basket of chips and great salsa?

No Surprises Here

We did get along. There wasn’t any fighting or arguing. There weren’t any harsh words or sideways comments directed toward one another.

But what was there was a sea of negativity pouring from him. Not about me — but about everything.

It seemed nothing was safe from this deep unhappiness that bordered on vileness. It poured from him effortlessly as he recounted all the ways life has done him wrong. There was no accountability or acceptance of his role in the situations and his opportunities to seek a different path than the one he is on.

I tried to hold space. I tried to express empathy. I tried to listen to the message behind the words and the obvious frustrations he has in life. I was careful with my words and tried to just be present with him.

It was hard and revealing. The canyon between us was exposed in the truth of who he has become and who I have become.

Lessons I Already Knew

It was a long hard couple of hours that left me sad and exhausted.

It also left me completely confident in my decision to no longer engage in this relationship or to pour my life into helping this man find happiness and joy in his journey.

It seems that his love for his unhappy wronged martyr narrative is more powerful than anything else.

My hope continues to be that he will find a life without me that brings him fulfillment and joy. Though there are significant doubts that such a thing is even possible.

What this little experiment revealed is that there truly is nothing left between us. There is no relationship here to salvage.

It is a truth that I have known for a long time. All I had become in his life was a label. And now that it is being removed, I am nothing. We are nothing.

Perhaps I should have asked him on a date with open eyes and an open heart a long time ago. It could have saved us both a lot of time and a good deal of pain.

The time has come for me to move on and surrender the last drop of hope that there can be any repair in this relationship. This may be my hardest lesson.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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