“I want a break,” Iris says silently. “We’ve been together for 20 years and I want to find out who I am.”
Terry was quiet. Not surprised, but shocked.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Do you want us to teach you how to express your feelings? Do you want me to help you be more vulnerable?”
“Yes! I know I’m feeling things but I don’t know how to express them.”
“I’ve been ‘milking’ him for years unsuccessfully, please help him express his feelings!”
All too often in the clinic we see individuals and couples who struggle to express their emotional world. In its very gendered form we’ll see the following dynamic — men labeled as indifferent, aloof, or simply ‘emotionally challenged’. Women, on the other hand, will generally be labeled as ‘too much’, too emotional, all over the place, overwhelmed or flooded with intense emotions. Regardless of the gendered expression of this, it’s all part of the same challenge — connecting to ourselves in a way that enables us to express what we’re feeling in order to connect to our partner.
Intimacy, or into-me-see, is the art of opening up and sharing what’s happening inside. For some of us this comes naturally. For others, especially men, it is harder. But why? For some it’s rigid and narrow socialization that has cut us off from certain emotions, for others it’s limiting core beliefs, such as vulnerability is a sign of weakness or that my feelings are a burden which I must keep to myself..
But the truth is that my ability to connect to and share my emotional world is crucial in my ability to foster deep and meaningful relationships. It is the foundation for empathy, closeness, and love.
Terry, like many men, wasn’t taught the art of emotional intimacy, which left his wife feeling for both of them (i.e. taking on the emotional labor of the relationship). This dynamic meant that Iris became the expert on his emotions, which eventually leads to resentment and disempowerment in a relationship, lending itself to negative sentiment override.
But the simple truth is that just by sharing what’s happening inside of you openly, is already intimacy. Yes, it’s that simple. Our definition of intimacy is:
Feeling, together.
When two partners are open about what they’re feeling, even if it’s not the same feeling, is intimacy. Sounds too good to be true, but it is. You can read more about our definition of intimacy here.
How To Practice Mature Intimacy
There are four methods we teach couples to begin practicing intimacy:
“I feel”
The first gateway seems the easiest yet for many it’s hard to complete: What am I feeling right now? And is it ok if I share it with my partner? Some of us have limiting core beliefs about some feelings (such as anger is bad, disappointment is toxic, joy is dangerous, jealousy is pity).
For us to be able to share our feelings openly we must first acknowledge them, then validate them and then share them openly. Books like permission to feel offer practical tools for this gateway.Just a reminder that “I feel that…” is not a feeling but a statement, so after the word “feel” use a feeling word: “I feel angry, sad, jealous..”
Terry found it hard to share what he’s feeling directly, So we taught him the other three gateways.
“Part of Me…” (POM)
We all have multiple self-states and another gateway to be open and vulnerable is to share some of these self-states. The beauty of POM is that it enables us to hold and share two opposing feelings at the same time — which is the sign of emotional maturity. You can read more about POM here.
Upon learning this, Terry shared “Part of me is happy for you that you want to find yourself after two kids and 20 years together… and another part of me wants you to stay here with me.”
Physical Sensations
Emotions are energy in motion. Feelings are like a wave of energy and end after 90 seconds (if we surrender to them). These emotions live in our body and if we point our focus to the body, we will discover what we are feeling. This might sound strange but it works. You scan your body, looking for unique sensations: tingling, cramps, itch, warmness, coldness and more. Once you notice that sensation, put your hands on it and breathe into it. See how it feels. Then start verbalizing it out loud and see if that ‘felt sense’ changes.
Terry listened carefully and said he didn’t feel anything. We told him to close his eyes and scan his body. He then shared “I feel a knot in my stomach.”
“Great, breathe in it… describe to us how that knot feels.”
“It feels hard, stuck, frozen…”
“If that knot could talk, what would it say?” We invite him to free associate. At first he is surprised, but after a couple of moments he says
“It’s scared. I’m afraid of what will happen to our family.”
From there we expanded on the topic of his fear. Then weasked him to check his stomach again. He checked and was surprised to discover that the stomach felt looser. Just talking about his feeling, already shifted its somatic expression.
Or as Dr. Dan Siegal Says “Name it to tame it.”
Broadcasting live
The last gateway isn’t necessarily focused on feelings, but rather on internal processes. In psychotherapy we call this self disclosure, but we prefer to talk in layman’s terms of broadcasting live. In essence it’s you pulling the curtain and sharing with your partner what’s happening right now in your heart and mind without filtering or censoring. This stream of consciousness is somewhat intimidating because you don’t necessarily know what will come out of your mouth or how your partner will react to your words. That high-risk/high-gain communication is also called self-validated intimacy. Broadcasting live might not include feeling words, but it does meet another definition of intimacy “meeting oneself in the presence of the other”. Learn more about broadcasting live here.
Terry finally broadcast: “I’m not really sure what to do or say now, but I am happy that you are finally clear about what you want. Now I’m worried about the girls and how they will be…”
Tears were rolling down Iris’s face as she witnessed her partner connect to himself and dare to share his internal world. She finally let go of being responsible for his feelings, and was free to be herself. At that moment they were “feeling, together.”
And if they can do it, so can you.
Galit Romanelli is a certified life coach, Ph.D. candidate in gender studies, and co-director (together with Assael) of The Potential State, helping couples remarry each other.
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References
Brackett, M. (2019). Permission to feel: Unlocking the power of emotions to help our kids, ourselves, and our society thrive. New York, NY: Celadon Books.
Gendlin, E. T. (2003). Focusing. London, UK: Random House.
Schnarsh, D. (1997). Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationship. New York, NY: Owl books.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2016). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. New York, NY: Bantam.
Taylor, J. B. (2021). Whole brain living: The anatomy of choice and the four characters that drive our life. New York, NY: Hay House.
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Originally published at https://www.psychologytoday.com.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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