The Four Most Important Questions To Ask

Tears streamed down my face as I read Maggie Q. Collins’ recent piece “Shattered Illusions About the Reality of Married Life.” The essay punched me in the gut with the echoes of my own fractured marriage.

“Real relationships and connections require attention and intention, neither of which he is willing to invest…

He only wants me to fill a role in life and has no real interest in more than that.” -Maggie Q. Collins

Ouch. That’s a harsh truth to recognize or feel from your partner. Unfortunately, it’s also one that’s familiar to me.

Despite my ex filing for divorce, despite him making all the large decisions affecting the fate of our finances and marriage, despite that I felt like a faceless person filling a role in his life, and not valued for the quirks that make up who I am, despite the fact that I have no wish to resume contact with him, and that I have a wonderful new love in my life, I still feel guilty that the relationship ended. I feel like I should have been better or more to make my ex want to invest attention in the relationship.

I’m working on letting that go.

Collins’ piece brought up some curious thoughts though; While she had to reexamine what she thought marriage would entail and how she’s adjusting to new definitions, I’ve been thinking about relationships and the different ways we all think and act. I landed upon these four illuminating questions that can reveal the core of who we are and how we behave. When my partner and I discussed these, it offered us an opportunity to sort and share our feelings and offered insight into one another’s habits and patterns.

1. What does “love” mean to you? How do you define it? How do you feel most loved? When do you feel most loved? What are tangible actions that make you feel most loved?

The answers to this reveal how your partner wants you to love them. It goes beyond the concept of speaking in love languages (after all, I’m convinced that we all want and need all of the languages) to show the three or four actionable items that make a person feel seen, valued, accepted, and appreciated. For my partner, it’s snuggling while we watch tv. It’s a hot dinner ready to eat when he’s been working outside in the chilly weather. It’s affectionate touches as I walk by him, and huge grins when he comes home from work, and me telling him I miss him and am happy to see him.

It’s the Magic Formula to love: Attention + Intention.

2. What does it look like when you’re angry? How do you keep your anger in check? How do you handle it when it’s not in check? Do you shut down? Blow up and yell? What triggers your anger? What moderates or soothes it?

This is something I never thought to ask until my current partner, but it would have saved me years of heartbreak if I’d known. I wouldn’t have dated the guy who took his anger out with his fists. I wouldn’t have dated the guy who spit in my face and called me a bitch and a cunt. And I never would have married the guy who alternated freezing me out with the silent treatment with 20-minute diatribes, berating me to my face (and to my family).

It’s helpful to recognize what will set someone off and know whether to give them space or remain centered and let the storm rage around you, knowing they’re not angry with you. It means you won’t spin your wheels trying to calm them down if that’s just going to fuel their ire. Most importantly though, it signals whether they are self-aware enough to recognize their patterns of behavior. Someone who is self-aware is less likely to misplace their anger, spilling it over you when they’re really upset at a coworker or an inanimate object that won’t work the way it’s supposed to.

3. What does it look like when you’re stressed out? How do you handle it? What kinds of things most stress you out? How do you respond to extreme stress? What alleviates it?

Similar to the anger question, the answer to this reveals whether someone knows themself. It’s difficult watching someone you love be massively stressed out about something you have no control over. You can feel their agitation and anxiety, but you also know it’s their process to sort through. The answers to this will help your partner when you how to give them what they need in the moment, but it will also help you from ineffective or unproductive suggestions or trying to control a situation that is outside your scope. For me, the things that best defuse my stress are physical exercise, spending time in the forest or walking along the beach, a bouquet of beautiful flowers, or a bubble bath with candles and meditative music. My partner knows this, and the other day, I’d had a rough time at work. I decided to shower away the stress, but my partner brought in lit candles, Epsom salt soak, a cold drink, and soft music and suggested I take a bath instead. It worked! I felt so much better 30 minutes later, and having him know how to care for me (and remind me when I forget) made me feel so well-loved by him.

4. What does happiness mean to you? What makes you happiest? When are you most full of joy? What kinds of things are you doing when you’re happy? How do you ensure that you fill up your happiness cup on a weekly basis (or more often)?

When I asked my ex this question shortly before our marriage officially ended, he responded that he didn’t think he was capable of being happy. Now I know that I don’t want to hitch my life to someone for whom happiness is such a far reach, that they don’t think it’s accessible or worth striving for. And while I know we are each responsible for our own happiness, I still want my partner to be happy alongside me. I want to spend my time with someone who knows they are capable of being happy, and knows what kinds of things help them on that path. I want to share happiness together and watch it amplify. The best part is, the answers to this question usually help reveal how someone best eases their stress.

Momma always said there’d be days like this… and that joy counters stress.

Asking your partner these questions—and knowing how to answer them for yourself—is an important key to self-awareness and a deeper, more authentic connection with others.

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Previously Published on medium

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