A man of God once told me, “Good boys are gifts,” but he didn’t mean me. He called me the “Devil’s boy,” always with two fingers and a thumb pinching my cheek on the edge of the terrible scar. It still hurt, even a year after the knife slashed across my mouth, wielded by my god, my father. I would promise to be good, to obey, and this man who liked to call my father “Devil” would look at me strangely, as if amazed.
He came to the house alone, except on rare occasions. He never wanted to see the other men. If he had to, he would pace in the kitchen and harass my mother, trying to preach to her, I suppose. He never spoke to the others. I never knew his name, but when I named them in a poem, I called him Praiser. My father called him “this preacher” and told me to obey.
I was raised to believe that my father was a god. He told me he was, and taught me ways to “worship” him. He said I was his sacrifice, to be used however he liked. I knew no different. He read, wrote and spoke Latin as well as any Catholic priest, just like the men on TV did on Sunday. When Praiser came along, he confused me. When he spoke of his god, he didn’t seem to mean my father; but a lot of the ways of worship turned out to be the same.
Praiser told me I’d been “made to be used for the glory,” because I was a vessel for sin. When he took me into the downstairs room the men rented, he would always repeat the phrase “Now I lay me down.” It made no sense to me then, but my father had told me how to respond. When the man raped and degraded me, he called it “passing his sins into me” so he could go back to his church clean, and free of lust. This preacher paid my father money to use me this way. He wore a fancy suit with a silver cross pin on the tie, and when he was finished, the suit perfect again, he would tell me to dress. Then he would sit beside me and explain that I was wicked, that I would go to hell. He said it couldn’t be helped, because I was evil, and I had a purpose. He told me to ask forgiveness for my sin, and I did, as I sat there bewildered, dazed, and in pain. He said it was to make me ready again, a “fit vessel.” Most Saturday afternoons, he showed up. I was five.
So many times I read or hear statements from religious people about how a survivor “must know God” in order to heal, be clean, be free. To me, god was my father, my first abuser, the man who gave me to all the others.
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So many times I read or hear statements from religious people about how a survivor “must know God” in order to heal, be clean, be free. To me, god was my father, my first abuser, the man who gave me to all the others. These religious people tell me that I “must forgive my abusers, or God will not forgive me.” These concepts have horrified and confused me, bringing on despair and suicidal thoughts. It is my view that no survivor of any sort of abuse “must” forgive the abusers, and I’ve read articles by psychiatrists and psychologists that support me on that. I’ve also, thankfully, had good people who happen to be Christian tell me that I don’t “have to” forgive unless I wish to, and feel I can. They tell me I was a child and couldn’t fight, couldn’t be guilty of what they made me do. I struggle to believe it.
I try not to disrespect or “bash” anybody else’s religion or lack of religion. This is difficult when so many “people of faith” bash me, for being bisexual or for my Goth appearance. I try in spite of that to keep a “live and let live” attitude. However, many religious people need to realize that not everybody wants to hear about their religion, many don’t share it, and for others, it can be an abuse trigger.
Some survivors might benefit from a spiritual angle to the healing process, whether they were raised religiously or not; but the fact is that not all survivors would welcome that. Many were abused by “men of God”, as I was, most often Catholic priests. Only one of my abusers was a preacher, but most of them went to church. Many pedophiles who are preachers or priests will use scripture and other aspects of their religion, or objects from their religion, to abuse their victims. My adopted parents are Catholics (though excommunicated for being gay) and the first time I heard one of them recite, “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray thee Lord my soul to keep … ” I had to run to the bathroom and be sick.
A survivor may not tell you that religious speech triggers them. They may simply go away to deal with the fallout alone. Once, I lay in bed with a knife under my pillow and sobbed, trying not to use it to make the memories stop.
If you wish to talk about religion to a survivor, or tell them how your faith could help them to heal, I implore you to learn first who the survivor is, and how they may feel about religion. If you gain their trust enough to hear their story, listen to them. If they were hurt by people who represented religion, religion and spiritual aspects and suggestions may not comfort them. These things can sometimes stall their healing progress.
To survivors harmed by preachers, priests, nuns, people who claim to be religious; the pronouncement “only God can heal you” could do a lot of damage. It is so vital to know something about the person you want to help before you start. Even if a spiritual approach helped one survivor, it could drive another to despair. If your goal is to help that person, a person in pain … please help them without adding to their pain.
© W.R.R. 7/23/2012
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.
Read more On Rape and Sexual Violence.
Image of preacher leading a young man courtesy of Shutterstock
It’s scary how widespread using religion to justify abuse seems to be. Makes me furious to the core whenever I see this. Knowing people who are very dear to me who have been in similar circumstances, I get angry just hearing about these stories. Anyway, just letting you know that you’re doing a fantastic thing sharing your experiences with other people and letting anyone else who’s been through this that they are not alone. I know that’s not much consolation at all, but I don’t know how else to express that without being accidentally offensive, as a few of these… Read more »
Bravo, seems magnificent idea to me is
Dianna, I am sorry that any abuse has touched your life; I wish the world were as free of abuse as so many blindly insist it is, because they can’t accept any other worldview. I have seen so many denials of abuse and excuses for why this or that wrong is not abusive. All we can do is work on healing and recovery, and if we are able, lend a voice to help educate others. The most important thing for us is to remove abuse from our lives, so that we can be safe as we begin to heal. Thank… Read more »
Sharing experiences is a help – is it not?
I live in Australia and don’t spend a lot of time on this website, but it is wonderful that people from different nations can find their humanity with others from anywhere on this small blue world.
I apologise, I could not read to the end of your article, W.R.R. I had never experienced any type of abuse by a supposedly trusted person until I married. Nor was I made to believe I was sinful in the name of religion. Your courage in writing is yet another step towards outing abusers and I thank you for that. On another thread a couple of men are trying to justifying the portrayal of an anime girl being struck by a male fist. Perhaps they would do better to read your article instead. People will justify abuse in any way… Read more »
Thank you, Jessica, for your kindness. Helping others makes all that I do worth it.
Good luck on your journey. I wish you peace and hope and love. There is nothing that can be said that can undo it but–thank you for being brave enough to want to help others.
Mike, Copyleft, and Leia, thank you. James, I am going to hope your intention is to help, even though my entire point was that religious talk triggers me. Obviously you believe strongly in your faith. Please understand that I do not share that faith. You may “offer up” a suggestion, and as I can sense it comes from a good intent, I will say thank you, at least for your acknowledgement that some members of your religion are liars and abusers. However, I avoid religion and not accept that it can help me. All it has ever done is rape… Read more »
You are an incredible person, WRR. I suffered religious abuse as well, though nowhere near to your extent. You have managed to convey something I have been struggling to voice for years, when well meaning relatives and friends talk about g-d to me.
May you find peace and happiness.
I’m so glad I didn’t just read the headline and go on from there. I am so sorry that someone that in the name of God abused his authority and distorted the beauty and healing of the Gospel. I fully agree that just wrapping a spiritual platitude over abuse is weak and very much insensitive. I would offer up that yes, after getting to know someone’s situation and fully walking through the pain, it is very much important to see the healing and restoring that God provides. No, he’s not like the fallen earthly examples that so often fail, or… Read more »
“He called it ‘passing his sins into me’…”
How horrible, and yet powerful, your writing is…I am grateful that you could put this into words…so eerie how abusers hide their secret shame and desires and blame their victims (as if it were their fault for inciting their desire)….So sick and two-faced people like these are! Listening to religious ministers lecture on TV makes me nauseous (ie., Jimmy Swaggert and Jessica Hahn’s infamous preacher)….it just seems people like that are just trying to create a smokescreen for their real down and dirty activities….
It’s a curiously contradictory message to give a child: “You need to get over your abuse, but you’re sinful and worthless and can do nothing without an authority figure to make you better. Now stop crying.”
I agree, demanding that survivors forgive is abusive. People can chose not to forgive if they want, and the abuser has to change and become worthy of forgiveness. Also on the god front; My abuse was purely secular, the paedophile was a “good Christian”, but a lot of people are “good Christians”. However I agree that god is abusive, he endorses rape and child abuse, just read the bible. Demanding that followers kill their children, offer their daughters to be raped, condoning genocide ect… I’d rather rot in hell than bow to someone like that. you might enjoy this site.… Read more »