Author, John McElhenney, still tries to see the balance in his divorce decree. But after losing everything twice, he’s convinced we men need to fight for equal consideration after the marriage has ended.
The typical divorce is actually pretty painful. The standard DEAL is almost an assault to fatherhood, and we need to fight to change it. In the most common arrangement, Mom gets the kids and house, dad gets the child support payment. It’s how things used to work. But today, unfortunately, the courts still go by this structure unless there is significant fight to something difference.
There are a few problems with this pattern.
So let’s see, I’ve got no home. I’m paying $1,200 a month for child support and $1,200 a month for health care. How can I afford an apartment?
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The non-custodial parent is assumed to be a deadbeat when they are calling the AG’s office. You are segmented into custodial or non-custodial parent at the beginning. If you are the non-custodial parent the only reason you’d be calling is you are behind on your child support.
When we complain about unavailable dads, or dads that check-out after divorce, here are a few of the reasons why.
- The child support burden is a lot of money.
- Dads might be resentful of the “money only” role they are being put in.
- When dad is asked to leave the marital home they are often forced to move in with family members or friends, this is largely because of the cost of child support.
- In addition to $500+ per kid in child support (estimate) the dad is also asked to pay for health insurance. (Today, in my case this is an additional $1,200 per month with two kids.
So let’s see, I’ve got no home. I’m paying $1,200 a month for child support and $1,200 a month for health care. How can I afford an apartment? If I don’t have a killer job ($2,400 after tax expenses before I get a dollar for myself or my survival. Well, that’s a pretty steep hill to climb.
IF the playing field were equal, I would guess a lot more divorces would be negotiated in good faith. Today, even if you declare a collaborative divorce, the issue of money is liable to strike the dad in the pocketbook in a way the mom, to start out with, does not even have to consider. RARE is the case where the dad is given full custody and the mom pays child support.
Shouldn’t we start with 50/50 in both financial responsibility AND parenting time? This is the fight we are fighting in the courts today. I’m considering going back to court to reset the arrangement. I was attempting a collaborative divorce, but in the end I was handed this lopsided deal. I have to earn over $3,000 per month (taking taxes out BEFORE I pay the mom) before I have a chance at even putting food on the table.
This leaves a lot of dads as deadbeats, not because they are actually trying to shirk their responsibility, but because the mom and the court have saddled them up with so much financial liability that they cannot afford to make the payments each month. At that point the dad is subject to financial liens, foreclosure, and checking account freezes.
You know what happens when the AG’s office freezes your account?
- The bank charges you $57 – $150 for the freeze.
- The bank processes no further payments (rent, car payments, even your child support payments)
- You bounce checks.
- You’re credit get’s screwed.
- You end up with an additional $200 – $400 in fees.
And you know what the AG’s officer will tell you? (The Humans Of Divorce, Dear AG’s Office Special Cases Officer Mr. McK!)
Fair treatment of fathers begins at the beginning of the relationship. BEFORE you have kids, you can agree to parent 50/50. If that’s the deal, you should have the discussion about if things don’t work out. (I’m not talking prenuptial, just an understanding) In my marriage we started out 50/50, but as soon as she decided she wanted a divorce (yes, it was her idea) the arrangement went to the cutting floor and I was handed the dad deal. A bad deal for everyone.
As the dad can’t afford a nice place for the kids to come visit, they want to come visit less. As mom’s house maintains some of its status and comfort (important for the kids) the dad is left in the cold to fend for himself AFTER he makes all the payments to help the mom stay in the house and live within the lifestyle the couple achieved TOGETHER. Except now it’s not together. And the cooperation you started with before you had kids, becomes a longterm ground war between “the money you owe me” and the money you can afford to pay without suing your ex.
Dad’s are just as important as moms. Even with young kids, the loss of either parent (my dad left when I was 5) is on of the most painful aspects of divorce. For the dad it is doubly devastating: the no longer have a house, and the courts and the AG’s office have now put their credit at risk, making employment and ability to pay even more difficult.
Let’s put the balance back in divorce. Give both parents the benefit of the doubt.
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Consider the dads. If you’re a dad consider the courts and get an attorney who can show you examples of winning in court for fair arrangements.
The money after divorce should be divided equally. Anything else puts man men at risk for debit issues, credit issues, and put them at risk of suicide and depression. Let’s put the balance back in divorce. Give both parents the benefit of the doubt. And both parents should be advocating for a 50/50 split in the same spirit they entered parenthood, with expectations of a 50/50 partnership. That partnership doesn’t end at divorce. But if we load up the man with all of the financial obligations and punish him for being late on a payment or two, we are hurting all the members of the family. The mom loses when the dad’s account is frozen. Even if the mom didn’t want it to happen. Once you’ve asked the AG’s office into your divorce, they never leave. (Inviting the Dinosaur Into Your Divorce)
We need fair divorce laws. We need courts that will listen to the needs of both parents and consider 50/50 parenting as the desired outcome. Until we stand up and fight for equality AFTER marriage we will continue to be on the losing side of the post-marriage equation.
Always Love,
John McElhenney
@wholeparent
Back to Positive Divorce & Co-Parenting
related posts:
- What You Can’t Tell Your Kids After Divorce
- The 3 Immutable Laws of Positive Co-Parenting
- Back to School and Summer’s End for the Single Dad
- The Transcendent Single Father
- The Positive Divorce is Up To You: The Two Levels of Healing
- What Am I Doing Here: Ah, Another Divorce Blog
- How Faith and Courage Work Together in Love
- Inviting the Dinosaur Into Your Divorce
Wow reading some of these comments I suddenly feel much better. My soon to be ex wife and I seperated 6 months ago. We have 4 small children. She is a stay at home mom and I pay the bills. I stopped paying the bills 3 months ago gave her %50 of my check prior to anything happening(i.e court). In the meantime she chose not to pay any of the bills, so i paid them with my cut. She for some reason took me to court for child support. The court lectured her on paying the bills. Well it turns… Read more »
If I could go back in time to the night my wife asked for a divorce I would go out and hang myself from a tree.
After considerable thought I realized it would hurt my mom, so now I’m waiting for her to pass.
Then I’ll find a nice stout tree.
This has been my only plan in life for the last 17 years.
please dont do that, because you will be guilty of harming yourself and you will not get a Chance to repent of this to Jesus. Father I pray for this brother, let him see your light in His life. Amen
I must say I feel your pain dad, your wife decided to end the marriage, for better or worst was not her long term goal. And because of her actions, you are literally paying the price. Divorce can be messy, and when children are involved, it gets worst. It is evident that most people will not pay child support voluntarily, or if they should, they will not pay a fair amount. The courts decided the payments by considering both parents income, and that makes it fair, and if one parent has a job that offers healthcare, they are responsible for… Read more »
My X didnt tell me she had a baby, I found out a year later from a letter telling me to come to court to establish paternity. After a result of “positive” I never saw her again. She moved to a different city, changed her number, and blocked me on social media. Now Ive found out she married her manager, which is why we broke it off in the first place, she was cheating with him while at work. My daughter is about 4 now, and Ive still never seen her. I attempted to pay from the start, and was… Read more »
Yeah, it sucks. I would wish it on my worst enemy.
Divorce and child support have wrecked my life to the point I don’t know if I even want to try and make it. I am out of fight. Out of energy and out of options. I went from making over $100k per year to 1/3 of that. The divorce, losing my son and family have emotionally wrecked. Just like all of you she got everything. I got nothing. I actually fought to save my marriage. Women no days know they get the better deal without us. My ex wife divorced me and never looked back.
Marriage isn’t worth the risk for men
You guys do know that the state gets a 10% (at last check) from the Feds on every support dollar they “enforce”? Right?
Its become a multi-million dollar industry. Its not just a case of working to make things better for dads within a system specifically designed to utilize them as state income. We have to break its back.
Wow, I need to look into this.
Holy !@#$%
https://www.acf.hhs.gov/css/resource/child-support-incentive-funding
So the states are incentivized to have high support, and for fathers to fall into arrears and to collect. o.O
Yep… Riverside child support suspended my commercial drivers license before going to trial and splitting martial assets. Even after I lost my job due to going to court. Me and my ex never used welfare and there hitting me 10% for arrears when she has a house paid off and her job was never affected and she wasn’t collecting welfare. She is remarried and hopefully happy. I’m not saying she dosen’t deserve to be. My representation was probably the biggest problem. Still her attorney should have been reasonable. I’m almost positive her attorney had a conflict of interest. I can’t… Read more »
Was a card carrying member of the father’s rights movement well back in the 80s. Spent a good 25 years doing what I could. Does not seem like much but it has gotten a bit better, or sucks just a bit less I’ve been there. Seen just how bad it is. We have to keep pushing for change though, which is one of the reasons I’m so glad we are now teaching men to express themselves. Watch what happens when this generations comes of age. We were noisy back then. Now there is a sort of eerie calm, but if… Read more »
While I understand I. Some cases men are given the raw end of a deal you have ignored completely the other side of the coin. I was married over 10 years and had three kids. Even in our marriage my husband barely spent any time with our kids and he only took care of his needs. When our kids were 4,6,8 he wanted out. While I wrote up the divorce papers and my father paid for the divorce he went to a game store to play Magic and hang out. For the record he was 35 years old at this… Read more »
So why did you marry and have multiple children with a man child? From what you wrote he didn’t change much after child 1 so why have child 2&3? Why have kids with someone who couldn’t keep a job? Why should he pay more than the court ordered? If He didn’t co-parent ever why would you have an expectation of change after divorce? It kind of sounds like extensive list of expectations before and after divorce, contrary to the reality of what could be expected from the type man you married. Expectations will almost always bite you in the tender… Read more »
I didn’t leave out the other half of the story. I simply don’t have any experience. I only write MY story and what happened to me. Sure there are going to be raw deals for everyone. But in 90% of the cases the dad gets the shaft, the boot, and the hefty child support payment.
Some cases men are given the raw end of a deal you have ignored completely the other side of the coin. He doesn’t have to talk about it because the other side of the coin is the dominant narrative on how men fare when it comes to divorce and child support. John is honestly fighting against the established “conventional wisdom” that says all dads are horrible deadbeats that don’t care about kids. You can see this plain as day when it comes to talk about Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Mother’s Day is seen as a time to recognize all… Read more »
I agree with you, every divorce and situation are different. It sounds like this guy didn’t make out so well. He must understand that many men are not good fathers, and will not pay support unless their wages are garnished. The entire argument was mainly about finances, and unfortunately for him, when children are involved support must be paid.
Great comments. Thanks guys.
Add that the expectation of privilege in divorce proceedings and child custody issues, contributes to rash choices among women. Also it keeps men in unfulfilling and abusive relationships, the knowledge that you’re most likely to lose in a unfair divorce leads men to hunker down and endure what no one ever should be expected to.
“We need fair divorce laws. We need courts that will listen to the needs of both parents and consider 50/50 parenting as the desired outcome. Until we stand up and fight for equality AFTER marriage we will continue to be on the losing side of the post-marriage equation.” Yes, we need all these things, indeed. But, her again you are asking for “good” government. These best solution is for men to simply empower themselves by taking all these issues out of the hands of government. We do this by 1) Selecting better quality women to marry.. 2) Prenuptial Agreements 3)… Read more »