James M. Sama debunks the myth that women’s equality means chivalry has to die… it’s quite the opposite, in fact.
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June 5th, 2015 was the 2 year anniversary of this blog’s inception. During its growth and development I have had much feedback on my articles, both good and bad. One of the most consistent comments however, is from men who tell me that if women want equality, they should therefore not expect men to be chivalrous.
Can chivalry and equality actually coexist?
This – is never a question I thought I would find myself asking. However, I have learned about many different viewpoints in the world after writing previous blogs on the topic of chivalry and respect, and I find that many of them are opposite of my own.
Chivalry, by definition, is as follows:
noun, plural chivalries for 6.
1. The sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
2. The rules and customs of medieval knighthood.
3. The medieval system or institution of knighthood.
4. A group of knights.
5. Gallant warriors or gentlemen:
fair ladies and noble chivalry.
Note: Courtesy, generosity, and valor – in particular.
I find, when the occurrence does happen that people are ‘offended’ in some way by chivalry, there are some consistent reasons:
Women tend to feel that chivalry is outdated, and even chauvinistic. That it was born in an era where men did these types of things for women because they didn’t feel that the woman was physically capable of doing them. Perhaps hundreds of years ago, this was the view.
In modern day society – not so much.
Men feel as though it will put them in the ‘nice guy’ category, or the so-called friend zone. These men, I’ve found, have not yet experienced a mature woman who appreciates integrity and dignity in her choice of a partner. That, or they have gone overboard in the past. Being chivalrous does not mean being a doormat.
Chivalry, to me, is about respect. For me to open a woman’s car door or pull out her chair because I literally don’t think she is capable of doing it, would put me in a class of indescribable stupidity.
I do it because I care. Because I respect her. Because I want to find small things throughout the day that I can do, that send her a message. And any man worth his salt – does these things for the same reason.
I can sit beside a woman in a boardroom and fully expect her to be earning the same wages as I am, as well as fight for her right to do so. Socio-economic equality and rights are a different discussion outside everyday kindness towards our fellow humans.
Chivalry, as I’ve stated before, is manners. It’s politeness, and it isn’t only something men do for women.
Next time you see a man hold the door for another man, he is being chivalrous. Next time you come home from work and your significant other has dinner and wine ready for you, they are being chivalrous. Next time you see a parent carrying something for their child, they are being chivalrous.
Chivalry, I would argue, is not the enemy of equality – but a catalyst of it. Respect for others. Treating people right. Showing them that you care.
I’ve already pledged my efforts to lead the charge of The New Chivalry Movement – where I am dedicated to being polite and doing nice things for people, man or woman, on a daily basis.
So – do not be offended by kindness, for you will slowly strangle it in modern society. Do not be intolerant towards those with good intentions who want to help you – not because you need it, but because they want to. Do not infect the kindhearted with negativity and skepticism.
Simply embrace one another, and see chivalry for what it is – the mark of one human being performing a small act of kindness for another, with good intentions. There is enough negativity in the world, it’s time to celebrate the positive.
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Originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s blog.
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Photo: Artem Popov/flickr
Thank you! I feel so hurt when a guy who’s interested in me gets angry when I want him to be chivalrous. It feels manipulative that someone wants to be disrespectful simply because I need equal pay and opportunity to take care of myself. I would never imagined that opportunity would mean men wouldn’t want to be masculine (to protect and provide). It’s so out of control.
This is so nice to read.
-Sarah
Chivalry is most certainly NOT dead. It’s all around us… we just use different words for it. One of the tenants of chivalry is to stand for what you believe in. Which means , feminists, when you stand to speak for abuse victims, you are being chivalrous. It’s what makes straight people stand up for marriage equality, white people speak out against white privilege, and Christians speak against Islamophobia(and vice versa) It’s what makes cops, firefighters and soldiers run into places any sane person would run out of. As far as holding doors, consider this. If you ever see the… Read more »
Chivalry is not compatible with gender equality.
Women are not queen, men are not slaves.
this is feminist double-standard
‘The Gentleman Is The New Bad Boy.’ Now I see where we are headed here. I couldn’t figure out why this chivalry word kept popping up. Feminists used to hate it.
Since we’re redefining words to suit ourselves, I’d like to suggest that the meaning of being chivalrous be used to encourage courtesy, generosity and valor as it applies specifically to cunnilingus, and more specifically, to me.
Except it’s usually men who are asked to be chivalrous, viz. the raft of articles about getting men to be chivalrous on this site, for starters.
Where are women being asked to be chivalrous in the same way?
Or to put it another way, men are being demanded they act like gentlemen. Where are women being demanded to act like ladies – and where is such a demand considered reasonable rather than privileged, sexist, etc.?
I’m 47with graying hair. When a woman offers me her seat on the bus, it will be the first time. I’d probably fall over in shock.
Personalty i am more interested in the part of chivalry where you get on a horse and go beat on some villain.
“Note: Courtesy, generosity, and valor – in particular. ”
Further note that his applied to the qualifications of a knight, i.e. men.
You can’t leave out half the definition and pretend it doesn’t make a difference…
I think just be kind to people. If I get to a door first, I hold it open for those who follow, men or women. Have you ever offered to carry a strange woman’s purse for her for instance? Why not, wouldn’t that be chivalrous? Certainly, you wouldn’t be saying that she couldn’t carry it on her own. She did just carry it for two blocks without any difficulty. The reason you don’t is the woman may be off-put. Now if a woman is visibly struggling with heavy bags, offering to help carry them might be better received. One is… Read more »
I’m with 8ball here. While I respect the thought you’re representing, as an argument to the original question, it’s equivocating. What you’re talking about may even be consistent with the literal definition of chivalry, but it’s not what plenty of people mean when they talk about chivalry. A man can be chivalrous and believe in equality at the same time, but I’m not sure equality and chivalry (of the one-sided sort) can coexist, or at the very least, that they should. I’d say it’s a confusing time because it’s never quite clear what expectations are. Doors, umbrellas and car doors… Read more »
I think men are put in an awkward position because whether or not chivalric gestures are expected varies by age, location, family, and more. Men can be criticized for engaging in such gestures or for omitting them. I think the gracious and polite thing to do is to go with it, whether a door is held or not. The guys are in a difficult position here. Mind you, when someone goes to extremes to be chivalric–weirdly running around me to be SURE to get to a door first, pouting if I open my own car door, etc., on a consistent… Read more »
“Chivalry, as I’ve stated before, is manners. It’s politeness, and it isn’t only something men do for women.”
*then it isn’t chivalry*
This is what annoys me about this debate. You’re not actually talking about chivalry, you’re talking about common courtesy, manners and decency. Chivalry is *SPECIFICALLY* a series of expectations that society has for men to act towards women.
By all means, advocate for MUTUAL courtesy and respect. But know that when we say “chivalry is dead and deserves to die” that is not what we mean.
THIS. COMMENT.
There’s already words for what the author is advocating – and they are used them in the post. Politeness. Manners.
Talking about (dismissing) people being “‘offended’ by chivalry” because that was the attitude “hundreds of years ago” sounds an awful lot like some people’s defense of the Confederate Flag.
The inequality manifests when the same gesture made by a woman towards a man is not also accepted graciously. I have no problem letting a man open a door for me, but men do not seem to accept a woman acting chivalrous of her own accord. I have experienced this many many times where I get to the door first and offer this chivalrous gesture, holding the door open for a man to walk through and I’m met with this dance where they try to take over holding the door rather than accepting the gesture and walking through. The fact… Read more »
Your right. Common decency towards all others is better and more meaningful.
I always think it’s really nice when I open a door for a man and he counters it with a nice gesture of letting me go first instead. It’s like two people doing something nice for the other. Two people being polite to each other. Two people thinking of each other. I do the same dance with my Mom or aunts or girlfriends. When we open doors for each other sometimes we have a little dance around who goes first. Sometimes my Mom opens the door for me but I hold it open and tell her to go first out… Read more »
Erin, you took the words right out of my mouth… Excellent response! I do the same dance with my brother, my male coworkers, female friends and coworkers… it’s never been about giving up control or power or anything. We are just raised that way… To just be polite. If people were to gave up their ego they too may see the positive in that situation. Thank you, Erin.