The Last Message from a Narcissist

“I hope you’re doing fine. I realized that we may not have ended things on the best of terms and the lack of response from me towards the end was not helpful. Before you jump, I’m only writing this to properly close the chapter with you without any resentment and to give us both a peace of mind. Of course, it is solely your prerogative to decide whether or not to continue reading this. Firstly, I would like to thank you for any time and effort that you may have invested over the years.

Reflecting on what transpired, I think we both now realise the relationship was not truly about love. It was simply filled with possessiveness, toxicity and immaturity. I have now came to realise that we both deserve much better than each other. We may have both contributed to what went wrong with the relationship, but my the main objective of this message is for me to apologise for my part and also to say some things that I should have said to you a long time ago.

I admit, as a boyfriend back then, I was unwilling to give you many things that you were asking for, such as quality time. I went through the motion of delivering what you wanted but I guess my heart was not in it. Eventually, all those things started to feel like chores that I dread and I found myself coming up with excuses just so that I can be left alone. This is my first apology and acknowledgment of being selfish.

Secondly, I wanted to apologise for being a coward. What I avoided admitting to myself back then was that any genuine feelings I may have had for you back then started to die off in the latter half of 2018 due to all endless irrational drama and toxicity. I should have properly ended things between us then but I resorted to ghosting you instead. Regardless the reasons, what I do know now for certain is that what I felt from the Jan episode onwards was not truly love. I held on due to sunk cost fallacy as well as due to a misplaced game of possession — purely an immature boy fighting over a toy that he did not even want anymore. I was so blinded by this that I patronized you with grand declarations of love and commitment that are untrue and for which I never intend to see through. For all of these, I sincerely apologise.

I am glad that on 23 Nov 2019, I made the final decision to move on and away from this vicious cycle of toxicity we are imposing on each other. I do however apologise for not being forthcoming about my decision and instead, choosing to just ignore you. I also wanted to apologise for any part that I may have contributed to this toxic relationship. In part, I recognise now that the toxicity was contributed to by my lack of understanding of your needs, cowardice to properly walk away and the possessiveness I felt. I know this is hard to hear but I know now I didn’t love you enough to give you what you want and I am sorry for treating you like an object.

I found myself changing for the worse during our time together. Our relationship was truly toxic because it was filled with contempt, selfishness and possessiveness. Conversely, the relationship I am in now builds me up instead of tearing me down. All I feel now is genuine happiness and contentment, even in bad times. She makes me want to be a better man, to grow and mature into a strong man who is capable of always protecting her.

Today, i finally understand what is it like to really love someone. Short temperness no longer applies and every day and night, my mind will be filled with ideas on how to make her happy. Generosity and selflessness overwhelm the heart. Anything and everything that she does automatically places a smile and warm feelings in my heart even if it’s just a simple text message. 24hrs in a day seem too little and stopping time became some superpower I wish to have just so I can freeze time whenever she is around. Chemistry between each other is high, and we often find ourselves saying things together at the same time. The relationship is filled with endless laughter, as well as genuine care and concern even if it’s the slightest bump on the skin.

The list goes on and on. And all of this, I finally found them within her. I am happy and I am willing to do anything just so she is safe and sound. I want to be a protector and this gave me a more compelling reason to be in the army. Carrying the weapon and working my ass off work seem more purposeful now because I am protecting her. I described love, and love to me is this beautiful lady I am with today. I love her.

The purpose of this text is not to rehash old disagreements or what I think are your faults. Be that as it may, I want to be frank for the last time about my point of view. You may of course continue to never accept that you had erred and if that is the case, it’s your life and your call. Personally, I hope that you have reflected and have move on from the toxic version of yourself, and matured as well. I hope that you now know that a mature woman would not have an unhealthy dependency on attention, use her body as a tool for any unhealthy and destructive coping mechanism or betray any inherent trust and loyalty in a relationship by cheating. Given your profession, I trust you know when to seek help and to upkeep you mental health. I sincerely hope that you have since became more emotionally mature and stable.

I can say for sure that I feel no resentment towards you, and if I were to think about you or our time together, the only thing I feel is indifference. Despite the many unpleasant experiences, I am still grateful for them because they helped me even better appreciate and treasure the woman I have now found. Once again, I’m sorry for the bad experience. While I cannot erase that, I hope you too will find someone that you truly love one day. No toxicity, no bad experience. 2 parties, willing to put in equal effort to fight for each other no matter what. I wish you all the best.” (Mr. Commando, 2019)

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It had been six months since our last contact. I received this text from my ex six months after an argument in which he claimed he would work on himself but ghosted me indefinitely after. To my knowledge, he was already in a new relationship. Therefore it was an unpleasant surprise to receive this text and read it to the end.

I met Mr. Commando at a dinner and dance, we didn’t hit it off immediately. I only knew he existed when I had to share a cab home with him. I honestly don’t remember much about the relationship other than the abusive episodes that I endured. Our relationship was 3 years in total — one year of semi-dating, two years of trying to break up. Out of the three years “together”, we spent exactly zero special occasions together, no birthdays, no valentines, and no festive season. There were no happy memories for me to reminisce on, in fact, the photos that we took together featured at least one unhappy face. Mine was plastered with hurt and feeling underappreciated. His, filled with utter disgust that we are breathing the same air.

The ending of the relationship was a huge relief. I felt free from the narcissistic grasp that had shackled me for so long. I was imprisoned in the cell built from self-doubt — the gaslighting and ghosting and love bombing left me crippled, defenseless against the psychological warfare that he was so well trained for. A commando protecting his country, a narcissist protecting his fragile ego. The six months of no-contact were bliss I was grateful to embrace. I could focus on my career instead of worrying about his text. His texts were mostly bitter, I didn’t want to be affected by his baseless accusations whilst I was conducting therapy sessions for my client.

I sighed as I think of a reply.

Many thoughts were racing through my head. I wondered if he truly thought he had little to no part to play in the toxic relationship. Was he merely hashing because he wanted a reaction from me so he could continue the drama I so wanted to leave behind? It suddenly occurred to me that he never even broke up with me, his older sister did. She had sent a long text detailing how my expectations were too high and my family had objected to the relationship. She even claimed that my mother, who could not read a word of English, texted her precious Mr. Commando and insulted his dignity as a man. I felt a surge of anger rising inside me.

What did he want this time?

Perhaps, he wanted me to know that I was a terrible person and he is swimming through life with someone better? After all, he had glorified his relationship with his current partner, it made me feel worse about myself. Perhaps he wanted to glorify himself, show me that he could be the perfect boyfriend material, that it was me who brought out the bad in him. Perhaps, he wanted to close the chapter for himself and his new girlfriend. After all, she has been stalking my social media religiously until I blocked her account. Perhaps, a final jab at me for not chasing him like I usually do after his last ghosting.

I no longer care.

I texted a quick reply and continued my day. At night I relooked at the message again:

He blocked me. Finally, I am free from the narcissist.

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Afterthoughts

Regardless of his intention, I realised I will have to revisit these memories time and time again in the future; when I am in a new relationship, when news about him pops up on my feed, or whenever I am reminded of it; I will continue to feel negatively about these three years of my life with a narcissist.

But I don’t want to. I am choosing to have control over my narratives and turn my pain into power. I choose to write about my experience on Medium and validate myself and others who are in a similar situation or have encountered a similar experience. There is something powerful when you own your story and share it with the world. Somehow your story echoes and the common experiences become a symphony. Through our misery, we connect and lean on each other. Suddenly the world seems less isolating.

I hope this article encourages you to share your not-an-apology-apology from your relationships. I promise that I’ll be here to listen.

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Thank you for reading!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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