I have quite the temper for a person who actively seeks peace, but I would argue that most of us who yearn for peace do so exactly because we haven’t always had the luxury of it. I feel like I clawed my way out of childhood and then spent my adulthood fighting for every single chance at happiness.
I just don’t want to fight anymore.
That’s a tough stance to take when my entire country is rending itself in two. While there will always be a part of me fighting for social justice, I am taking the fight out of my personal life completely.
I’m going to Control-Alt-Delete the fuck out of toxicity in my own personal universe, and here’s how.
Control
Recently, a close family member who disagrees with every single value I hold dear decided to scroll through my page. Why anyone would go looking for an argument, I’ll never know, but here we are. Of course, then the messages began.
Instead of reacting the way I always have, I felt a mindset shift. While I could feel all the feelings about how love and respect should be a natural part of family relationships rather than a battleground, I felt a sudden calm knowing that I am in control.
I am in control of the content I post. I am in control of how I react to what others say and do. I am in control of who I allow into my life. I am the boss of all things related to me, and I get to make executive decisions.
With that thought firmly in mind, I disengaged — not just from the argument but from the thoughts of it. I was not going to let this person visit me with the trauma of my past because they went out looking for something to be mad about. I wasn’t going to get angry that my own values and boundaries are so easily disregarded. I just shifted into acceptance.
Alt
I turned my attention elsewhere. Control is great. Control is empowering. But control is nothing if we don’t make better choices.
I am selecting an alternate course when it comes to my thoughts. In the past, I would have dwelled on the situation. It would have left me with an emotional hangover for days. It would have lead to even bigger drama.
It’s a cycle, and I’m all about breaking generational cycles. Right now, I am acknowledging that my growth journey just moved to a whole other level. I just don’t have the time or energy to give to drama. I’m choosing an alternate mindset.
In the last year, I lost my best friend and then I lost the partner who had become my best friend. No one died; the relationships just ended. The world around me changed, and my life was thrown into chaos. However, it created the perfect conditions for me to learn to let go and to embrace a new mindset — one that centers on adaptability and healthy choices.
Jane Fonda once said, “If you don’t feel seen, safe, or celebrated, get out.” I’m going to put that up where I can see it every day. People who bring the drama and show that they don’t have respect for me don’t get my time or attention — and that includes living rent-free in my head.
Delete
As adults, we so often forget our own power. We think we have to keep old friends or we have to associate with family members. We forget that we have full control over the people we allow into our lives — with the exception of legal arrangements surrounding co-parenting.
There are all kinds of handy technological tricks for removing people from our lives. There’s the block button, the unfriend, and the “take a break” option on social media. Phones have many features to stop calls or limit the notifications we receive. We can choose not to read the email or look at the toxic text. We have the power.
We don’t even have to use one of those options to choose to no longer engage with drama. We can simply decide to disengage from the thought patterns that stir us up and keep us in the thick of it. We can set firm boundaries about what we will and won’t tolerate, and we can enforce them.
With that being said, I’m not advocating for anyone to become conflict-avoidant. There’s a difference in declining to participate in drama and not dealing with issues as they come up. If we value the relationships, we may need to find a way to address the problems in a healthy way. If, however, the relationships have become a drain on our time, emotional health, and energetic resources, we get to choose to opt-out of further communication.
This isn’t about pretending that negativity doesn’t exist or that we don’t sometimes get sad or angry. This is all about creating healthy spaces in our own lives — and populating those lives with healthy people. As we grow and change, we are also going to outgrow behaviors and people. It’s a natural part of growth that we can fight or accept.
My mindset has shifted. I’ve lost what I thought I couldn’t, and I am okay. There’s no more room in my life for drama. I will not be making space for it.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Tim Mossholder on Unsplash