–
The best love we can give our children is not material, but controlling our emotions and not hurting the child who only sees us.
The biggest problem in family education is anxiety
Someone asked what is the biggest problem in family education now?
I told him, parents are anxious! Nine anxious mothers and one anxious father.
He said why is mom anxious?
From a macro perspective, it’s because of the concept of “don’t lose at the starting line”.
Because of this concept, the entire education process has become a pressing process.
Human life has three levels, the first level is material, the second level is spirit, and the third level is soul.
Now that we are satisfied with the basic necessities of life at the first level, we have risen to spiritual life, which involves your reading and art appreciation.
If you go up to the soul and view of the universe, these problems will be a piece of cake.
If you can’t go up and are struggling here, you must be uneasy, worried, and anxious.
You are anxious about everything you do, so the strongest anxiety is concentrated in your child’s learning.
Our national anxiety is all at this level. Whether you are at this level or not, I can ask you a question and it will be clear:
I would like to ask if you are thinking about issues other than your personal interests, are there any?
Our children are all thinking about issues other than their own interests, but you are not, so you are struggling in this place and you are anxious. This is a macro reason.
Where does mother’s anxiety manifest itself?
The first reflection of your anxiety is that when your children come home, you always talk about studying.
You should study hard in school and listen to the teacher. You should get up early tomorrow to avoid being late. You should prepare your things in advance. Your…, are you…
If you tell your children that everything is about studying, you will be a very anxious mother.
Anxiety is reflected in focusing on your child’s score.
Two weeks before the child’s exam, he kept saying that he should review quickly.
Why haven’t you reviewed yet? Why haven’t you previewed yet?
Doing this every day makes our children very anxious, right?
Anxiety is also reflected in the scramble for educational resources.
A father told me that my wife has several educational groups and reads them every day while cooking.
Come quickly, they are enrolling in this class. This class is very good, we should consider it too.
The teacher accidentally said that Wang Xiaoming in our class studied mathematics with a famous teacher. It is said that no child who studies mathematics with this famous teacher will not be admitted to a famous school in the future.
I would like to ask you, after listening to the teacher, but not knowing the phone number and address of the famous teacher, do you feel more uncomfortable than death?
Anxiety also manifests itself in pushing children.
I have asked many children: “Child, which sentence of your mother’s words left the deepest impression on you?” Most of the children’s answers were, “Oh, yes!”
If a person is pushed for a long time, he will have two symptoms. One side will become compulsive.
Writing should be like printing. In high school, high goals are set, and high anxiety is accompanied by high goals. This is called the forced pursuit of perfection.
But most of them go to the inner end. What is the inner end? No motivation, nothing to do.
I have an old friend who retired and enrolled in two vocal classes and three dance classes. His life is rich and colorful, and the old lady is very happy.
But one day she asked me: I was sitting on the sofa with my mobile phone, and the dance class over there called me, but I just didn’t stand up. I wanted to but didn’t stand up. Why?
In fact, people cannot be arranged in this way. If they are arranged in this way, they will have symptoms of not wanting to do anything.
There is also comparison. We now directly tell children that a certain classmate is better than you.
Even if I don’t say this, the comparison in my heart never stops.
Someone asked me: I also know that people shouldn’t compare, but I can’t restrain my comparison. What should I do?
I said, just think of a question. Human beings are the only existence. As the only existence, there is no comparison. How can we compare them with the Dharma?
This feeling of comparison will not end until the coffin board is closed.
Why is mom so anxious?
Lack of confidence is the cause of anxiety.
You have no experience and don’t know how to train the children to become talents in the future, so you are not confident.
How can I make you confident? Give your children good things.
What are good things? Tell him to help others, tell him to be kind to the weak, and tell him to be tolerant of others.
As long as you give your children good things, you can rest assured that their future life will be fine.
Vanity is another cause of anxiety.
Vanity in the family will drive the husband into misery, and vanity in the child’s studies will drive the child into misery.
Let your children realize their ideals.
The last time I met a mother, she told me that her biggest regret in life was not being admitted to Harvard University, so she hoped that her daughter would be admitted to Harvard University.
This is strange. If not being admitted to Harvard University is your biggest regret in life, then the most important thing you should do is to repeat your studies, take the college entrance examination, take the postgraduate entrance examination, and enter Harvard.
Why did you ask your daughter to go?
Every child comes into this world with a natural temperament. Why should he become the person you want him to be according to your wishes?
Value orientation is another cause of anxiety.
Some people see this world as one in which competition is the essence. I would say no, cooperation is the essence in the human world.
A bison comes, and more than a dozen people go up. The young help the old, the strong help the weak. Only by catching the old cow can the tribe continue to live on.
You have to say that competition is the essence, school is a competitive field, and children just want to beat others.
This parent transplanted all her anxieties onto her children.
Mother’s influence on children.
What is the relationship between the child and the mother? The umbilical cord is cut, the subconscious mind is completely connected, and the mother’s emotions are directly transmitted to the child.
We have seen many cases in clinical practice. Mom suffered from depression. After two or three weeks,
The teacher started to complain about her child. Your child didn’t listen in class and your child moved around.
There is a serious emotional problem in the mother, and it is directly passed on to the child.
If the mother is anxious, the child will naturally be anxious. The higher the mother’s anxiety index is, the more severe the child’s anxiety symptoms may be.
All children in this world will sacrifice themselves for their mothers. Let me give you an example.
Your mother came to your house tonight, daughter. I saw a two-bedroom and one-living house on Renmin Road here. This house is of very good quality.
The next day, she called you, daughter, I am looking for a house now, and many people below are looking at this house.
The son of our colleague was given a big villa for his mother… I only need this little thing, why can’t I get it?
You said I won’t talk to you anymore, I have to go to work.
May I ask if you will have a good life in the future? You feel restless and upset no matter what you do.
This is the relationship between mother and children. Every time I got fifth place in the exam, my mother would ask me to move to fourth place.
The relationship between mother and child is, first, direct transmission of emotions, and second, the child sacrifices for the mother.
What are the harmful effects of high maternal anxiety?
The mother’s high anxiety brings about the child’s high sense of competition, but a high sense of competition does not mean a high degree of competitiveness.
A high sense of competition is that he can be the best, but if others are better than him, he will fall apart.
The most serious case I saw was,
A child was originally number one in mathematics in his class. When he was in his second year of high school, a student who transferred from Beijing to study Olympiad mathematics became number one in the class.
This child has been writing in his diary for half a year, how to kill this classmate who transferred to another school.
When a child has a high sense of competition, he or she will often set very high goals, accompanied by a state of anxiety. This anxiety will drain all the energy in her heart.
For example, if you want to get into the best university, you won’t be able to live a good life if you don’t get into it. If you don’t get into this university, there will be many, many problems.
Children grow up slowly. If anxiety has been with him since he was a child, it will be very detrimental to the child.
Because the child’s nervous system is not fully developed yet, if the child is stressed for a long time, pathological problems will occur in the future.
Therefore, to make a child’s childhood truly happy, a teenage child must be crazy and happy.
In a person’s life, 6 to 12 years old is the most carefree and happiest time. It is such a short few years. What should mothers do?
Children have to wait for their growth.
As a parent, you must protect your child and not make him anxious.
The child is anxious enough at school, so it’s only right for the mother to be the one who eases his nerves.
Mothers need to grow, and the direction of growth lies in the correct concept of parenting. This concept is also very simple, that is, children have to wait for them to grow up.
The mother’s role should be that of an “old hen” who spreads her wings to protect her children.
Why do parents say that their children procrastinate on homework? Because every mother is a teacher and a supervisor.
Parents should not be supervisors. Even if teachers tell you to be supervisors, don’t do it either.
When the child came home, he was not in a good mood. I tried to find ways to comfort him.
When eating, ask him how he was at school today. If he is unhappy, mom understands that you will indeed be unhappy when encountering such a thing. Don’t take it personally. This kind of thing happens often.
This is the mother’s function.
The more stable the mother’s mood is, the more peaceful the child will be.
The more emotionally stable the mother is, the more harmonious the family will be.
Many mothers only create anxiety and trouble, making the family unstable.
A third-year junior high school child was doing homework in his room. His father was sitting in the living room looking at his mobile phone. His mother came out of the kitchen and went to her son’s room:
“You are doing your homework. Don’t use your mobile phone while doing your homework. Take responsibility for yourself and do it quickly…”
My husband was looking at his phone over there and shouted again:
“Don’t look at your phone all day long. Can you set an example for your son? Hold your phone all day long!”
After a while, the mother came out again and ran into her son’s room, shouting to her son:
“Why have you only done so little for so long? What have you been doing for so long? You got this result in the last exam. How can you be so embarrassed next time? You are in the third year of junior high!”
I got angry, so I ran to the living room again and said to my husband:
“The child is in the third grade of junior high school. You have to take care of it at least. He is busy with work. This family belongs to me alone. If the child wants me to take care of it, you have to take care of the child.”
The quieter your home is, the more peaceful your children will be and the better they will read.
How mature a person is depends on how well he controls his emotions.
Mother is the one who provides energy to her child.
A car needs to be refueled when it is driven out. Without fuel, it cannot overcome difficulties.
When the child comes home, the mother should give the child strength.
The mother who gives strength is the kind of person who is stable in nature. When you are close to her, you feel like a warm land and a natural home.
Some mothers are very sharp and aggressive. Such mothers will only let out their children’s power and will not provide them with support.
Dear, if this article is helpful to you, please follow me! This way you won’t miss the daily push!
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Patty Brito on Unsplash