The Mourning After

I woke up this morning, the morning after election day, and thought, “Oh! This is the country I live in!”

I apologize to my overseas friends, we let you down. But we can stop the debate; we now know who we are. We elected a rapist, a serial and self-proclaimed sexual abuser, a felon, a man who promises to jail his opponents and deport documented immigrants. A man who once mimicked a physically disabled reporter. I act like this is a surprise, this outcome, but it’s not. I saw this clearly a year ago when I wrote Cease and Desist.

My agitation peaked yesterday. I made a list of topics that poked at me, the election was one of eleven. I gave them equal weight. Today, I see my error—the election was number one on a very short list. At lunch yesterday, I commented on another blogger’s post. She wrote of a distant future with optimism. I replied: Hopeful thoughts while standing at the edge of a chasm, gazing at the end of the world.

On a walk yesterday, I saw a Jill Stein for President yard sign. Election day in Pennsylvania is neither the time nor place for idealism. I told Susan that the sign pissed me off more than a Trump sign. I wanted to kick it out of the ground.

I might have some anger to process.

I saw a cool election map today. I could click on each state and see which districts voted for Harris. We’ve heard a lot about blue states and red states over the past year. That’s a myth. There are blue cities and everyone else. All the states are red.

On my run tonight, I passed a kid in his driveway flipping a rubber ball with a hockey stick. He played next to his parents’ Trump is my President yard sign. Two days ago, I would have waved. Today, I kept my eyes on the road as I ran by. All day today, I saw calls for unity on Facebook. Susan reminded me that our opponents need understanding, not hate. I’m not ready for that. They first need to show me they aren’t bigots. They need to show acceptance. They need to disavow violence.

You might ask, “What are you worried about? You’re a married, white guy in his sixties. You look more like them than they do.” My disability is invisible to most, but not to me. My otherness runs as deep as anyone’s. I’m on the outside. When we choose teams, I’m on the side without government protection.

The CNN headline tonight is a Kamala Harris quote from her concession speech. “It’s going to be OK.”

I don’t believe that for a second.

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Previously Published on jefftcann.com and is republished on Medium.

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Photo credit: iStock