The Next Time You Go On a Date

Are you burnt out from dating after endless swiping and online chatting that seem to go nowhere? Or do you feel like you cannot seem to “find the one” despite not believing in “the one”?

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Modern-day dating is frustrating and tiring.

As a monogamous dater who is looking for a long-term relationship and not into flings, hook-ups, or casual dating, I have learned to take things slowly.

Here are some lessons and advice that have helped me with my dating experiences over this past year.

Dating Advice #1: Evaluate your own needs, thoughts, and feelings

Maybe it’s been two years since you have been on your first date.

Or perhaps you’re meeting up with someone for the first time whom you have recently started chatting with over this past week.

In any case, going on a first date is always nerve-racking, but exciting!

Most likely, your date may be feeling the exact same way.

So instead of focusing on how you may “appear,” focus on how you feel during and after the first date.

After each date, I like to check in with myself to see how my body, brain, and mind are feeling. Any tension, feeling, and intuition should not be ignored.

Dating advice #2: Treat them like a friend

This doesn’t mean you have to friendzone them.

This just means that you treat them like how you would treat any other one of your friends.

During the first initial dates, it is easy to get wrapped up in a fantasy of who you may want the person to be because the sparks are flying and you’re having a great time.

But instead of putting someone on a pedestal, it is important to see them for who they are so that you have more realistic expectations of who you are dating.

Having more realistic expectations also allows me to feel more at ease and natural around someone so that I can be my true, authentic self.

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Dating Advice #3: Figure out what you value and need in a relationship

In my dating experiences, I have met:

Men who look great on paper with great jobs and degrees, but fail to remember things that I have said during our dates
Men who say certain things but do the complete opposite
Men who cannot commit
Men who would only commit based on certain “conditions”
Men who think they know what they want but in actuality, do not
Men who are emotionally unavailable and immature
Men who are egotistical and do not take responsibility for their actions

There are many types of people in this world. Often, you have no control over how someone may “turn out.”

And of course, it is not your job to fix, save, or change someone.

Rather than focusing on them, figure out your own needs, desires, and boundaries so that you can say no and walk away from certain people who do not match or respect your needs.

Ask yourself:

What do you value? Does your partner share those values?
What are you seeking in a relationship?
What are your non-negotiables?

Remember, your actions and what you say “yes” or “no” to, teach others how to treat you.

Dating Advice #4: Maintain and cherish your existing relationships with your loved ones (friends, family, etc)

I get it, you meet someone new, and all of a sudden, he/she is all you can think about all day long and you just want to hang out with him/her 24/7.

But remember, you had your life prior to him/her.

Especially before you have committed, I think it is important to maintain your existing relationships so that you do not spend all your time and energy on one person that may or may not work out.

And even after you have committed, I think it is important to continue watering your existing relationships because relationships outside of your significant other may have added value and benefits to your well-being.

Dating Advice #5: Letting go of expectations.

Tiktok tells you, “if he/she does not do XYZ, then it is a red flag.”

The internet tells you, “Do not kiss until the third date.” “If you’re not officially going out by the 9th date, then dump him.”

Your friends and families may have certain opinions of your significant other.

There are many “rules” and “expectations” in our society for how and whom we should date.

I used to let these rules get into my head. When a date didn’t go as planned or if we did not do certain things, then I began to keep tabs and self-sabotage.

Now, I speak up and communicate my feelings and needs with my dates.

Dating is an intimate and unique shared experience between two individuals.

While you may choose to listen to certain advice and opinions, I think it is important to put your best foot forward and try it out yourself. Like many things in life, there is no proper “way” or “time” to do certain things. Life is to be lived and I hope you go out there and enjoy your dates!

To recap: