The One Red Flag Everyone Overlooks in Relationships

Toxic relationships will suck the life out of you if you aren’t more careful about noticing the invisible red flags. James Woodruff shares how not knowing personal value can wreak havoc.

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Whether you’re 18 or 80, seeing a relationship blossom from “hello” is a beautiful thing. We get lost in the process of falling for someone so certain traits that may not be healthy fly under the radar. Each person should be starting off with their own clean slate. However, there comes a point when you have to look at your preferences and requirements to see if there’s a pattern. Without recognizing it, we often continue this cycle of picking the wrong mate because they remind us of someone. That’s not always a good thing.

One of the most toxic relationships a person can be in is one that begins too quickly. I’m a believer in whatever starts fast ends just as fast. So rushing into a relationship almost ensures that there’ll be a level of toxicity. Now, are there certain toxic traits or situations that can be fixed? Probably. But here’s the thing; love isn’t a justification for you having to invest a piece of yourself in fixing someone else. That’s an unhealthy way to go into any relationship.

Experience will reveal how toxic relationships affect you. What’s lost on so many of us, though, is the type of red flag that covers everything else. You are not a healer. You are not a fixer. You are not a replacement for what’s been broken already in a person’s life.

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As men, we suppress deficiencies and hurtful things from our past. We don’t want to be defined by baggage. We think that the perfect woman will come along and replace the inadequacies. It’s considered a good thing for a man who has found the wife who makes him better. But those relationships are based on co-dependency. It’s great to have a woman that encourages you to be better and think bigger. However, a relationship isn’t supposed to change the essence of who you are. Those are the type of relationships where eventually individuality is lost because you’re trying to fit a mold. Truth be told, when you fill in a void for your significant other, they’re never going to be able to appreciate your value as a person. You presence becomes representative of something else that you likely aren’t aware of and never agreed to.

So how can you avoid the invisible burden of being someone’s replacement?

First of all, you have to believe that you are enough. Society treats men as if we’re just supposed to know that we’re good enough and that we matter. Emotional stability is paramount in avoiding bad energy when you’re dating. You have to believe that you deserve love. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have someone care about you. You deserve to be someone’s priority. You deserve to be loved for exactly who you are.

Secondly, don’t allow a relationship to spark doubt about self-identity. I think one of the reasons people rush into relationships is because they feel pressured to do so. They’re getting older or they start to see the people around them coupled up and feel that need to have a +1. Because of that pressure, we become more prone to changing the things about ourselves. I’ll use an example that was featured recently here on GMP. The post was a series of things that a woman needs to be aware of if she’s going to fall in love with an entrepreneurial man. Whatever your lifestyle is, there needs to be an understanding that that’s an important quality of your personality. If you start changing things about yourself to please a significant other, you’ll eventually find that boundaries will be compromised. That breeds resentment.

And lastly, be certain that you’re ready to be in a committed, monogamous, healthy relationship. I myself have struggled with the “right woman, wrong time” dilemma. You meet the right woman and believe in your heart of hearts that no one could ever compare to her. That’s a lie we tell ourselves because we’re scared to be alone. Here’s the thing: when you’re genuinely ready for love, it’ll find you. Don’t ever feel like you have to compete for love or earn someone’s affection. This piece of wisdom gave me all of the confidence I needed to know that toxic relationships aren’t meant to be fixed. They aren’t meant to be “worked out”.

Toxic relationships don’t happen overnight. It takes time for a relationship to dissipate. Sometimes, a person never finds out that they were just there to replace another void. The truth about toxic relationships is that they often start within.

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