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Historically, there has always been a lot of nasty language about “nice guys.” The modern-day phenomenon of this comes in the version of “simps”—men who show intense feelings of affection and love for someone without reciprocation. Often they do this publicly on platforms such as Instagram or TikTok, directing their unrequited admiration towards strangers they have never met.
Here we talk about the complexity of the phenomenon behind “simping” and what it really takes to get attraction beyond just being a “nice person.”
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
it’s this really dark situation that
00:03
profits on all of this simp behavior
00:05
that everyone’s laughing at
00:07
without addressing the real thing the
00:10
real need that’s going on
00:11
[Music]
00:15
well steve put us out of our misery what
00:17
in your estimation is a simp
00:20
uh well you put me on the spot here well
00:22
i my understanding of it is it’s a kind
00:26
of guy who is
00:28
uh prostrating himself at the feet of a
00:32
woman who is kind of putting himself she
00:36
like worshipping her like she’s a
00:38
goddess and he’s kind of
00:41
willing to do whatever
00:43
for her affection
00:45
and
00:46
in some cases there seems to be a kind
00:48
of
00:48
fetish angle to it but it’s often just
00:51
used as a derogatory term to to describe
00:54
what they call like beta males or guys
00:56
who are crushing over one woman really
00:59
hard even if she
01:01
you know
01:02
is even if she’s like hey thanks
01:05
apparently it can apply to men in
01:06
relationships too
01:08
that they’re fawning constantly over the
01:11
woman they’re with doing anything they
01:14
can to please her
01:16
um just just living to please her but of
01:18
course at the other end of the spectrum
01:21
you’ve got guys who are doing that over
01:22
women that don’t even know they exist on
01:24
social media you have a tick tock dancer
01:28
who has
01:30
foul or in some cases millions
01:33
of men
01:34
commenting
01:36
in you know and saying
01:38
how much they love her or how lovely she
01:40
is how wonderful she is how much they
01:43
admire her all of that and i don’t think
01:45
simping has to be gender specific but it
01:48
tends to be a derogatory term for men
01:51
yeah i don’t think i’ve ever heard simp
01:53
i don’t i think it is
01:54
pretty much exclusively used about men
01:57
by the way i just want to make a
01:58
statement about this word i hate this
02:00
word i don’t i don’t like i i think this
02:03
is a pretty
02:05
mean word
02:06
and
02:07
i think that what’s underneath it is
02:09
actually quite serious
02:11
very serious
02:13
and um and referring to people in this
02:16
derogatory way
02:17
does no help
02:19
to the situation but
02:22
if we take the person in a relationship
02:26
um we could say okay that might be
02:27
someone with a somewhat anxious
02:29
attachment style or someone who
02:32
um is just trying to go out of their way
02:35
to please their partner because they
02:37
think that that’s the only way that
02:38
they’ll be loved and
02:41
that if they can do enough for their
02:42
partner their partner will stick around
02:46
there’s an obvious kind of win
02:48
there right i i’m keeping my partner
02:51
that my partner is with me and i think
02:53
by doing lots and lots and lots of nice
02:55
things for them and constantly fawning
02:57
over them and looking after them that
02:58
they will stay with me
03:01
there’s a difference between that and
03:03
the sort of thing we see online these
03:05
days where
03:06
men
03:08
so many men on maths are just
03:11
liking and commenting on pictures of
03:13
women that they will never meet
03:16
who
03:17
will never see their comment
03:19
who will never even acknowledge them
03:22
for the most part
03:24
and yet
03:25
they’re waking up
03:27
seeing a picture of that woman and
03:29
liking and commenting
03:31
on that picture what do you think of
03:33
that steve because i think it’s
03:34
fascinating
03:36
when there’s such there’s there’s not an
03:38
obvious reward
03:42
to that
03:43
you know it’s not like you’re being
03:45
scammed
03:46
and you know
03:48
you think you’re talking to someone one
03:50
to one and it turns out it’s just a bot
03:52
online that’s talking to you
03:54
they can see
03:56
that there’s hundreds and in some cases
03:58
thousands of other people
04:01
commenting and liking on this woman’s
04:03
picture
04:05
or video
04:07
and yet they still decide to
04:09
throw their like or their comment into
04:11
the mix
04:13
what what do you think is the reason
04:15
that
04:16
men do this
04:18
well
04:19
i think
04:20
part of it taking away even just the
04:22
element of someone being sexually
04:24
attracted to someone
04:26
there’s all the stuff you said is only
04:28
the same in fandom culture where you are
04:32
fawning over a celebrity
04:34
and commenting all day on their pictures
04:36
and posts over a pop singer that is not
04:39
seeing hundreds of thousands of comments
04:41
and
04:42
that’s fandom right there is a one-way
04:45
trend there was a one-way relationship
04:47
there and now the simply thing is a
04:49
little different because right like
04:52
people when they’re doing it on an
04:53
attractive person’s profile a guy’s
04:55
doing it on a hot woman’s profile
04:59
it’s not like
05:00
oh i really love
05:03
uh
05:04
one direction’s music and i’m so into
05:06
the albums and stuff it’s like
05:08
i think she’s right
05:09
i think she’s hot and i want to express
05:11
a moment of horniness of
05:14
that bikini picture really did it for me
05:17
i’m gonna put a sexual emoji i’m gonna
05:19
like or i’m gonna be like oh i worship
05:21
you it’s not quite saying i love your
05:24
work
05:25
um
05:26
but
05:27
there’s but the thing is steve for a lot
05:30
of that
05:30
it does
05:32
it’s not just simple
05:35
leering
05:36
comments for a lot of it a lot of the
05:38
time
05:39
when people are referring to
05:41
simps
05:42
in the comments section of of women’s
05:44
profiles
05:47
they are
05:48
referring to a kind of niceness and a
05:51
loyalty that comes across in those
05:53
comments
05:54
you know they they’re not they’re not
05:57
saying oh my god you’re so hot i’d like
05:59
to do xyz to you they’re not saying that
06:02
they’re saying you look amazing here
06:04
babe you know
06:06
um hope you’re having a great day or
06:08
they they’re that same
06:11
sort of niceness and sweetness
06:14
that might be associated with that kind
06:16
of guy
06:17
or that behavior in a relationship is
06:19
being applied
06:21
in this context so it’s not even
06:23
stereotypical
06:25
testosterone-filled
06:27
male behavior
06:29
no some of it is some of it is some of
06:31
it is it leans towards the fetishistic
06:33
and the dirty and minded and you know
06:35
they’ll go like i’m simping over you
06:37
with these drooling emojis and sexual
06:39
innuendo whatever but like
06:41
yeah
06:42
self-awareness
06:44
but you’re right there are some dudes
06:46
who will put like a very lavish number
06:48
compliments and and go like oh you’re so
06:51
you know you’re the perfect woman you’re
06:53
so whatever and then someone under it is
06:54
obviously like you’re simping bro
06:57
you know don’t be a simp yes you’re like
07:00
oh they’ll put like simpler you’re
07:02
simping
07:03
you know you know who’s the best is that
07:05
person
07:07
that
07:08
there’s the person who’s doing the
07:11
you know the praising the worshipping
07:14
but then there’s the simp police
07:17
who you want to go why are you here then
07:21
what are you
07:22
why you you’ve sort of tipped your hand
07:25
here
07:26
because what are you doing in this
07:27
comment section right now why are you
07:30
down here
07:31
you’re a hundred comments in
07:34
why are you down here firstly you had to
07:36
be on this woman’s profile in the first
07:37
place
07:38
secondly you had to have read down the
07:41
comments
07:42
and decided to pick on this poor simp
07:46
they’re going to say flush out the
07:47
simpsons
07:48
and what you’re for the good of men
07:50
everywhere letting him know hey go hey
07:52
bro i just want to know your symp’s
07:54
showing
07:55
like what
07:57
what who are you
07:58
and what’s this i see i think steve
08:01
that’s just advanced simp tactics
08:04
i think that’s just
08:05
i’m hoping that i get noticed
08:08
for calling out a simp
08:11
and by
08:12
i’m disassociating with that behavior
08:14
but really i’m still in the comments
08:16
section
08:18
of this 25 year old’s dancing tick tock
08:22
it’s kind of simple simception
08:26
i would say it’s simp adjacent
08:29
but i i’m i see steve my my whole thing
08:32
on this is
08:35
i i actually think that this is an
08:38
interesting phenomenon
08:40
and it’s one to be
08:43
i think is one to be pitted
08:44
i think it’s one to
08:47
i think it deserves
08:49
a level of empathy and sensitivity
08:52
you know what it reminds me of
08:55
it reminds me of the maid cafes in tokyo
09:01
when we were in tokyo we you know we had
09:03
heard about these maid cafes
09:05
and you me and harry went to one and for
09:08
everyone out there who’s listening a
09:09
maid cafe
09:11
is a
09:12
is a cafe in tokyo it
09:15
doesn’t have to be a night spot it could
09:16
be you could go there in the middle of
09:18
the day
09:19
i think you could probably even go there
09:20
for breakfast but it’s basically
09:23
a place where
09:25
there are
09:26
maids or well peop
09:29
women dressed up as maids
09:32
they’re usually fairly
09:34
sort of young women in their 20s
09:37
and they’re in these sorts
09:40
somewhat skimpy made outfits but not
09:43
they’re skimpy but not skimpy
09:46
and
09:47
they
09:48
they’re not they’re not sexual they
09:52
it’s very much cutesy it’s like manga
09:55
anime
09:57
cutesy
09:58
and from the moment you get there
10:01
they’re very sweet to you and very
10:03
giggly and laughy
10:05
and they sit you down and you order food
10:08
and when they come over they do these
10:11
sort of
10:13
strange anime rituals where they get you
10:16
to make a heart with your hands
10:19
and say like a little
10:22
a little spell or you do like a cat
10:24
noise yeah you’ll do a cat noise
10:26
together they may be like sing
10:29
sing they take a picture with them but
10:32
there’s nothing really sexual about it
10:36
i’m not saying that’s the case in our
10:38
western social media in the case of
10:40
simping but
10:41
in
10:42
in japan in these maid cafes is so not
10:45
you think that this is going to be this
10:48
seedy
10:49
horrible
10:50
thing and actually it’s so not sexual
10:55
what happens is you get there and you
10:58
look around the room
11:00
and you start by finding it sort of
11:03
funny and silly and strange and
11:07
fascinating
11:10
and then
11:11
you look around and and in a way it can
11:14
feel quite sad because you
11:17
you see these men they’re often
11:20
sort of middle-aged salary men
11:22
in
11:24
their suits they’ve just come from
11:26
work and
11:29
they’re not behaving in any way
11:30
inappropriately
11:32
they are just
11:34
sitting there and and talking to these
11:37
women who work there who are
11:40
laughing at their jokes or who are
11:43
giving them a moment of attention in
11:45
conversation and they are so happy to
11:48
get it and you get the impression that
11:50
these people are there a lot right i
11:52
mean it’s not you don’t get the
11:53
impression that this guy
11:55
came here once in the last 10 years you
11:57
get the impression that this is a
11:59
regular place that this guy comes for
12:01
this very
12:03
small amount of
12:06
attention and
12:08
synthetic connection
12:12
and there’s something about what i see
12:14
on social media now with the way that
12:16
guys interact with these
12:19
these women who have large audiences
12:22
that feels similar to me
12:25
it might be more sexualized
12:28
than the maid cafes in japan
12:31
but
12:32
it’s still this very low-grade synthetic
12:36
form of attention and connection
12:40
yeah
12:40
that doesn’t amount to anything you know
12:44
it’s so
12:46
it’s so uh
12:49
impotent
12:50
yeah
12:51
there’s nothing there
12:53
it’s not even
12:55
it’s not even a lap dance
12:57
a strip club you could say about a lap
12:59
dance in a strip club what’s the point
13:03
like what’s the point what’s the point
13:04
in going and getting teased by someone
13:07
for 20 minutes or five minutes or
13:09
whatever and
13:11
then leaving and nothing actually comes
13:15
to fruition
13:16
right like
13:18
that you could say that like what’s the
13:19
point but there’s still a lap dance
13:22
here on social media there’s no lap
13:23
dance
13:25
there’s it’s
13:27
it’s not even a tease in that way you’re
13:29
probably getting
13:31
nothing back
13:32
but you’re still commenting and i think
13:34
that should be
13:36
looked at culturally
13:38
as a sign of just how
13:41
just how
13:43
devoid
13:45
of attention or connection these people
13:47
actually are
13:48
that
13:49
i think of it steve like
13:52
i’m willing i am so starved of something
13:57
that i am now commenting on the wall of
14:00
someone who probably will never ever see
14:03
my name
14:05
alongside a thousand other men
14:07
she’s never gonna comment back but i’m
14:10
willing to settle for whatever kind of
14:14
tiny tiny tiny
14:16
thrill that is and maybe just the hope
14:20
that this person might interact with me
14:23
on some level
14:25
and even in that is the kind of this
14:28
i’ve bought into this cultural
14:31
narrative that this is really valuable
14:34
i don’t know this woman i don’t know
14:36
what she’s about necessarily i don’t
14:38
know what she’s like in life i just know
14:40
that she’s hot and that she dances
14:44
and
14:45
and that’s i this is what makes her so
14:48
valuable
14:49
to me i’ve so it’s not just that i’m
14:52
getting nothing
14:53
there’s nothing tangible i’m getting out
14:55
of this i’ve also bought into this
14:56
narrative
14:58
culturally right now that this is really
15:01
valuable and that i would should want to
15:03
interact with this quick interlude to
15:05
the video guys whether you are trying to
15:07
work on your career your finances your
15:10
relationships your relationship with
15:12
yourself or any goal this year that’s
15:14
important to you you’re gonna need
15:16
confidence
15:17
this month i am bringing back the 30-day
15:19
confidence challenge ran it twice last
15:22
year it was amazing i went through it
15:23
too we’re all going to go through it
15:25
again this month it has five specific
15:27
missions to improve your confidence over
15:29
30 days and you can join for free at
15:31
mhchallenge.com
15:33
the link is also in the description go
15:35
to mhchallenge.com and i’ll see you
15:38
there and i guess that’s why those guys
15:41
are
15:42
lambasted and mocked is because like you
15:45
say there’s something there’s something
15:47
beyond even like just mere
15:50
uh lustful
15:52
uh jeering about it there’s something
15:55
where they are going a step further and
15:56
being like
15:57
i
15:58
i think about you you’re a fancy i dream
16:01
about you i love you and it’s like
16:04
synthetic emotion you know and when the
16:07
sim police come along along what they’re
16:09
saying is you’re one of 200 500 guys
16:12
in this woman’s dms or on her only fans
16:15
and you’re talking to her as if you like
16:18
have something with her and she sees you
16:20
as she sees you as attention or money or
16:23
followers and you’re like
16:25
prostrating yourself as if you have you
16:28
know you you’re making up these feelings
16:30
you have and i think that’s why those
16:31
guys are mocked so mercilessly
16:35
and if people had more empathy
16:38
they would see
16:40
the connections with this and everything
16:42
else steve i i once coached someone
16:46
who
16:49
had
16:51
a very short interaction with someone
16:54
you know 10 15 minutes
16:59
exchanged
17:00
numbers
17:02
and then for months
17:04
ex exchanged a handful of texts with
17:07
this person
17:09
but it never went anywhere
17:11
i think one time he said
17:14
you know he suggested maybe they see
17:15
each other but it never came to anything
17:17
he never followed through on it
17:21
and for months
17:23
she had held on to this
17:26
thing that the way she described it was
17:28
like it had somehow been a relationship
17:32
she didn’t call it a relationship but
17:33
the way she spoke about it you’d think
17:36
someone was talking about an actual
17:37
relationship they were having
17:40
and all that really happened was that
17:43
in the con you think about it time wise
17:45
in the context of a year
17:47
that
17:48
10 to 15 minutes
17:50
had been
17:51
shared together
17:54
and then
17:55
for months
17:56
this had become the
17:58
the fuel
18:00
for this
18:02
kind of imaginary
18:03
dynamic that was going on
18:06
one that he
18:08
probably never even thought about twice
18:11
you know maybe he just fired off a few
18:13
texts here and there but he clearly
18:15
wasn’t giving it much thought
18:18
i mean he would be stunned no doubt to
18:21
find out just how much he had been on
18:23
her mind for months this person that
18:25
he’d only spent 10 or 15 minutes with it
18:27
would absolutely flaw him
18:30
most of us in life men or women would be
18:33
flawed
18:35
to find out at one stage in our life
18:38
how much
18:40
someone we never really gave any actual
18:43
attention or intention to
18:47
thought about us
18:49
and
18:51
when i speak to someone like that and
18:53
this person
18:54
that i worked with what’s evident is
18:57
that a there’s
18:58
there’s some need at the core of this
19:02
there’s some deeper need at the core of
19:03
this there’s something that’s not being
19:05
a need that’s not being serviced
19:07
in your life
19:09
either by yourself
19:12
or by your
19:13
by your life in a more nutritional way
19:18
and that
19:20
this has become a
19:22
a surrogate
19:24
for meeting this need in a
19:27
in a genuinely connected
19:29
way
19:30
and it even becomes a kind of excuse not
19:34
to engage in the real world
19:36
it becomes an excuse not to engage in a
19:39
real
19:40
relationship i remember thinking about
19:42
this person that i was coaching that
19:45
as long as she engaged in this fantasy
19:49
of what happened and why didn’t it turn
19:52
out to be something and i can’t stop
19:54
thinking of him and i still get upset
19:56
thinking about as long as she engaged
20:00
with that
20:01
she didn’t actually have to go
20:04
and
20:07
involve herself in the real game
20:10
she didn’t actually go and have to risk
20:13
anything
20:15
in her mind she had created this sort of
20:18
fabricated jeopardy
20:21
of like what’s going on here there’s
20:23
this drama that she had constructed in
20:25
her head
20:26
but it wasn’t real drama because nothing
20:28
was actually going on as long as she
20:30
lost herself in this she didn’t need to
20:32
go and actually meet someone where
20:34
something could actually happen
20:37
and
20:38
that’s true of course for anyone
20:40
commenting it’s like as long as you’re
20:42
commenting relentlessly on your pop
20:45
star’s
20:46
career and work
20:49
and you know when i mean steve there are
20:53
you know pop stars when they show up at
20:55
a hotel
20:58
there are people always and it’s usually
21:00
the same fans in every city that when
21:03
that pop star rocks up to that city
21:06
the same fans go and show up at their
21:09
hotel
21:10
they they know what hotel they’re going
21:11
to go to they figured it out which by
21:13
the way on its own is an unbelievable
21:15
detective mission
21:17
you know in a in a very secretive world
21:20
where false names are used
21:23
to go and check into hotels
21:25
somehow their fans have figured out
21:27
where they’re going to be
21:28
staying and have done all of the
21:31
reconnaissance work to know that
21:34
and then show up at that hotel sleep
21:37
there overnight outside sometimes come
21:39
or show up at 3am to
21:42
try and
21:43
witness the moment in the middle of the
21:44
night where that person shows up
21:47
they are there for all of that
21:49
and
21:51
and when people do that i think
21:54
this is a distraction
21:56
from focusing on your dreams
21:59
you’ve become so obsessed with somebody
22:01
else’s dream
22:03
that you don’t actually have to focus on
22:05
your own right now they’ve become your
22:07
dream their dream their life has become
22:09
your dream your life you’re not focusing
22:11
on your own dream that could make you as
22:13
wonderful as they are or as wonderful as
22:15
you think they are whatever they’ve
22:16
achieved that impresses you you could
22:18
actually be doing right now if you
22:20
weren’t spending all of your time and
22:22
energy chasing this person around the
22:23
world you could actually be doing that
22:24
for yourself you could become that
22:26
person
22:28
that other people look at as incredibly
22:30
impressive or extraordinary
22:32
by going and working hard
22:34
and the same is true of people who
22:37
quote simp you know whether it’s a man
22:40
on social media or whether it’s
22:42
a woman who is
22:44
stuck in an imaginary relationship with
22:46
a guy that she once
22:48
quote dated or met for 15 minutes
22:52
it’s a distraction
22:54
from going and having a real
22:56
relationship from actually having stakes
22:59
when the guy is commenting on the
23:01
woman’s profile
23:03
it’s a distraction from the fact that he
23:06
could actually go out there and talk to
23:07
a real woman
23:09
and risk rejection there’s no what’s
23:12
risked by leaving a comment on a woman’s
23:15
profile that gets 10 000 comments
23:17
nothing
23:18
there’s the
23:19
faint tiny
23:20
glimmering hope that maybe she’ll see my
23:23
name and comment back but there’s also
23:25
no downside
23:27
there’s no i’m not risking anything
23:29
whereas if i went up to an actual woman
23:32
in the coffee shop i go to every day and
23:34
said something
23:36
then i now i’m someone who could
23:39
actually be
23:40
rejected and since i don’t believe in
23:42
myself anyway and i don’t think i have
23:44
very much to offer
23:46
the last thing i want to do is have that
23:47
confirmed by someone in the real world
23:50
i’d rather just
23:53
give my attention to someone online who
23:56
has no interest in rejecting me because
23:58
i’m one of many people propping up their
24:00
social status and their image who by the
24:03
way is using me
24:05
just to profit
24:06
i mean there are millionaires being made
24:08
everywhere who are just profiting from
24:11
that kind of behavior and encouraging it
24:15
you know a no pop star wants to tell
24:17
their fans don’t show up at my hotel
24:20
hey stop doing this i’d rather you go
24:23
work work on your own dreams
24:26
no one wants to say that because i need
24:28
these fans to be crazy about me the
24:32
woman who benefits from millions of
24:34
people following her online or the man
24:37
who does has no interest in saying guys
24:39
honestly it worries me how much you
24:41
comment on my [ __ ]
24:43
it concerns me
24:45
if you were my brother
24:46
i i’d be worried about you right now and
24:49
i want to let you know like go live your
24:50
life
24:52
go live your life and do something
24:53
meaningful in your life they don’t want
24:54
to say that because i want as many likes
24:56
as possible so that i can get those
24:58
sweet advertising dollars
25:00
so
25:01
it’s
25:02
it’s this really dark situation that
25:05
profits on all of this simp behavior
25:08
that everyone’s laughing at
25:10
without addressing the real thing the
25:12
real need that’s going on and it’s no
25:15
different
25:16
it’s no different from
25:18
the person that steve you or i often
25:21
come across who is stuck
25:23
in a situation in their head
25:26
instead of living their life
25:28
it’s just happening at scale
25:32
in a in a way that
25:34
you know we think it’s it’s it’s funny
25:36
to laugh at but it’s actually
25:38
a situation that i think deserves
25:40
empathy
25:41
and sensitivity
25:43
uh i agree with that and i think
25:45
it
25:46
yeah i i don’t i feel
25:49
it’s like witnessing some of our worst
25:51
human characteristics and that’s what
25:53
troubles me when i see
25:55
people’s willingness to do it because
25:58
it’s like our our desire to be told what
26:00
to do our desire just to follow a leader
26:03
blindly to
26:04
subjugate our own individuality to
26:08
someone else because like that will give
26:10
me purpose and meaning is if i follow
26:12
around this band and
26:14
like you say if it was your
26:16
significant other or something who said
26:19
i’m gonna go and fly around eight cities
26:20
to follow around this band you’d go
26:23
you’re this is mental and there’s
26:25
nothing wrong with like steve you and i
26:27
you know we we like the rapper watsky
26:30
right and when he went on tour
26:32
we
26:33
like i traveled to chicago to go see him
26:35
on tour in fact i think i’ve seen him
26:37
like three times now
26:38
you know i’ve seen him once with our
26:40
friend michael rush in chicago and my
26:42
friend casey we’ve seen him once in new
26:44
york and i’m a fan i’m a fan there’s
26:46
nothing wrong with being a fan
26:48
but
26:50
but
26:51
are you being inspired
26:54
is it are you going and you’re a
26:56
hardcore fan who’s being inspired
26:59
by what you’re seeing
27:01
and then going and using that
27:04
to create magic in your own life
27:07
or
27:08
has this become the thing
27:11
has has your
27:13
work in your own life become
27:16
being a fan
27:18
because that to me is where it steps
27:20
over into a different territory is this
27:22
inspiring you to go and create magic in
27:24
your own life
27:26
or or is the magic
27:28
you’re creating
27:30
the
27:31
you’re pouring into just being a fan
27:35
because now it’s a closed loop
27:37
being inspired by something should be an
27:39
open loop
27:41
it should be something that then spreads
27:43
into the rest of your life it shouldn’t
27:45
be something that is a snake eating its
27:48
own tail where you’re inspired by this
27:51
person that you follow
27:53
and what do you use all that inspiration
27:54
to do follow them harder
27:57
right yeah
27:58
and and just like worship anything they
28:01
do look i’m a huge fan of many things
28:03
there’s artists i’ve seen multiple times
28:05
if i love a movie i’ll go see it four
28:07
damn times at the cinema like i
28:10
i love being passionate about things i
28:12
love and to me fandom is one of the
28:15
coolest things if you like if it it’s
28:17
like talking with my friends and nerding
28:20
out over something i really love and
28:22
like we all go and like do the thing
28:24
together because we’re all lovers of
28:27
this video game this movie this book
28:30
whatever and like it’s a community you
28:32
have and you love it and you share it
28:34
with people and it’s like a source of
28:36
passion that’s all beautiful stuff and
28:38
that’s that like you say is inspiring
28:41
and you’re inspired by people so you
28:43
want to like absorb everything you can
28:45
of it but
28:46
it doesn’t mean you go to this it’s when
28:48
it crosses to this weird subjugate my
28:51
individuality hero worship this person
28:54
is uh a golden god and i you know i must
28:59
like
29:00
uh subjugate my life to everything they
29:02
do
29:03
all right i take your i take you guys a
29:04
point with the whole the whole fan
29:06
comparison to simps
29:08
um but to me there’s a distinction
29:10
that’s important where a fan
29:12
leaving a comment or behaving this way
29:15
is doing it as a signal sort of
29:18
not just for themselves but for a whole
29:19
community for like a tribe a tribal
29:21
impulse the simp phenomenon is more is
29:25
less of a signal and more of a strategy
29:27
and i think the misguided strategy is
29:29
just
29:30
simply of being nice
29:32
and like if i am nice enough to me it’s
29:34
al it’s like a grade school crush like
29:37
the impulse that a guy would have in
29:39
third grade it’s like i’m just going to
29:40
be so nice to this person that they’re
29:42
going to give me attention back so nice
29:43
so nice so nice and the misguided part
29:46
that you’ve talked about for years matt
29:48
and steve is just that
29:50
being respected is far more important
29:53
than being nice in attraction
29:56
yeah i
29:58
i mean look this is
30:01
this relates to both the world of
30:05
simping
30:06
online
30:08
with someone that’s never gonna know who
30:10
you are and also
30:12
within a relationship because people
30:14
make this mistake all the time in a
30:15
relationship if i’m just
30:17
incredibly nice to my partner all the
30:19
time if i just if i just go out of my
30:22
way to please them all the time and give
30:23
them everything they want and
30:25
and
30:26
worship them and
30:28
and make sacrifices then they will love
30:31
me more
30:32
and it is misguided
30:35
because people don’t love us more
30:37
simply because we do more for them
30:40
i i think about it like attraction is a
30:43
series of levers
30:45
right
30:46
there’s the
30:47
i do things for my partner lever
30:50
which by the way is a perfectly great
30:52
lever
30:53
you don’t want to not have that lever or
30:56
you’re just an [ __ ]
30:58
but
30:59
it’s not the only lever
31:01
there’s also the
31:03
i’m really fun to be around lever
31:06
there’s also the i’m super silly and
31:09
playful
31:10
leaver there’s also the
31:12
i am mysterious in certain moments
31:16
lever there’s also the i am challenging
31:20
my partner
31:21
lever all of these are good
31:25
levers and if you keep using the same
31:28
lever over and over and over again
31:30
because that’s the one you’re most
31:31
comfortable with
31:32
you’re gonna wear it out
31:34
you know or if you think about it like a
31:37
carrot you keep it’s possible to
31:38
overfeed someone with carrots
31:42
like you can’t you can’t keep doing that
31:44
same thing over and over again and think
31:46
that it’s going to give you
31:47
proportionate returns in your
31:49
relationship it doesn’t work like that
31:51
at some point you get diminishing
31:53
returns from trying to impress someone
31:56
the same way
31:57
and that’s true of any of those things
31:59
if you’re mysterious and that’s your way
32:01
of of impressing people you know you
32:04
start with a sense of mystery that’s
32:05
great for five minutes
32:07
like so oh he’s super mysterious and
32:09
whatever try doing that for a year in a
32:12
natural relationship
32:14
you’re it’s gonna get old so
32:17
quickly
32:18
yeah and that’s the thing we’ll we’ll
32:20
park this for another episode but that
32:21
is
32:22
why people
32:24
find the i’m just being a nice guy thing
32:27
so grating is just because the
32:30
if all you are is just saying nice
32:31
things before you are it’s just a sweet
32:33
guy
32:34
well so what like that’s that’s
32:37
loads of people are nice it’s like it’s
32:39
not interesting it doesn’t make you if
32:41
you have no boundaries if you’re just a
32:43
nice nice nice i’m really sweet
32:46
it’s it’s one strategy and it’s like
32:49
yeah you’re pulling the same lever same
32:51
time and hoping like maybe they’ll just
32:53
see i’m really really nice yeah by the
32:56
way as if that’s what as if that’s the
32:58
number one goal in life
33:00
is to find someone who’s nice i
33:04
you know there was a jameson came across
33:05
an article recently that said women
33:08
are now looking for
33:10
nice guys i i don’t know what study was
33:13
done to show that women are now looking
33:15
for nice guys but
33:16
that’s laughable to me because
33:19
what i know is actually meant by that
33:22
is that
33:23
they’re now prioritizing nice as well
33:28
it’s not that it’s not that now i’m
33:31
willing to abandon everything else i
33:33
want
33:34
for a nice guy because
33:37
you if really if nice is all you want
33:38
you can find it go go look in the
33:40
comments section on
33:43
instagram and you’ll find a bunch of
33:45
people who are being really really nice
33:47
right you don’t need the search isn’t
33:50
difficult to find someone who’s just
33:52
nice we don’t want just nice what we
33:55
want is someone we respect
33:58
who is also nice
34:01
and
34:02
that’s the part that people find
34:03
difficult because it’s a unique pairing
34:06
right we’ve talked about this many times
34:07
in our work unique pairings are those
34:09
qualities that we find when when when we
34:11
just find one nice one good quality and
34:14
someone we get attracted
34:16
on some level we might get attracted to
34:17
them as a friend we might get attracted
34:19
to them as a lover if they’re mysterious
34:21
or if they’re sexy we might get
34:23
attracted to them as a
34:25
a mentor if we think they’re
34:26
particularly
34:28
in uh successful or knowledgeable right
34:32
one quality can create attraction
34:34
what makes someone an addiction
34:37
someone we want to give much more space
34:38
to in our in a rounded way in our life
34:40
is when someone has unique pairings two
34:43
qualities you don’t normally find in the
34:45
same person in the same person and when
34:48
you find someone who is i don’t like the
34:50
word nice let’s say kind you know or or
34:54
someone who’s respectful
34:57
um when we find someone like that
35:01
who are generous these are all better
35:02
words than nice because they’re sort of
35:04
proactive words nice is a bit of a
35:06
passive
35:07
reactive word but
35:09
when we find someone who let’s call it
35:11
nice for a moment is nice
35:13
and we respect them that’s a unique
35:16
pairing because a lot of people we find
35:18
nice we don’t respect and a lot of
35:20
people we respect
35:22
don’t always come across as very nice
35:25
what we’re looking for is nice as well
35:28
oh i’m finally prioritizing
35:30
someone who’s nice in addition to
35:33
all of the other stuff that i’ve always
35:35
prioritized that has got me in trouble
35:37
when it didn’t come with nice
35:39
this next video i have for you is really
35:42
really important click here to watch if
35:44
narcissism can be associated with a kind
35:47
of obsession with control if i can
35:50
dismantle your ego if i can dismantle
35:54
your confidence because your confidence
35:56
is a threat to my control
—
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