The Real Reason They’re Not Over Their Ex

If your date is talking about their ex, you’re not the beginning. The truth is: that you’re their rebound.

It’s so obvious.

Because it’s become so normalized to dredge up past relationships as if they hold some value. But they don’t.

For example, one girl told me how she was a victim of domestic violence from her husband. I learned about this on the first date!

I was definitely her rebound, and she was not ready for a new relationship.

Rebounds wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t imply this fundamental flaw:

A partner that is stuck on their ex and is using you as a rebound can’t give you their full attention, because they are stuck thinking about their other person.

Plus, think about it. What if they’re thinking about getting back with their previous partner?

Would you want to waste your time with them?

Do you want to invest your time with someone whose identity is wrapped up in their ex or any other past relationships?

A partner who has a warped sense of self or a toxic identity will contribute to a relationship that develops issues later on.

Here’s the problem:

Someone who has a tendency to base their identity on a relationship will become dependent on the relationship to feel secure. And that dependency will keep them from setting boundaries.

They won’t set boundaries because they need the relationship. In their mind, setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship and ultimately, their identity.

Therefore, resentment will naturally accumulate, and unless addressed, will kill attraction and destroy love.

What to be on the look for

They frequently mention their ex: The biggest warning sign is if they dredge up their ex(s) on the first date. As referenced in this article, 8 Covert First-Date Red Flags You Should Not Ignore, unexcused talk about their ex is a huge red flag. If they talk about them in a nostalgic sense, or in some fictional way, that’s your hint that they haven’t moved on.
They’re contacting their ex without a valid reason: There are practical reasons for keeping in touch with an ex. But that really only extends to legal matters or if children are involved. One of my girlfriends habitually brought up her ex-boyfriend. And she continued to communicate with him regularly for no good reason. She was using him as an emotional anchor — because she couldn’t let go.
A majority of the relationship revolves around the ex: This is harder to describe, but if you get the feeling, that you’re the third wheel in a relationship with your partner and their ex, that’s your clue it’s time to move on. They don’t seem present, or they’re disengaged with you.

They don’t seem engaged or present because part of their “spirit” is missing. Your partner doesn’t just miss their ex because of the fond memories they shared. Missing them is more about something deeply ingrained that was “ripped out.”

But it’s all an illusion.

One’s identity can’t and should not be based on someone else. And if it seems like your new partner is still hung up on an ex, it’s so vital to set boundaries.

I wish I could tell you what do to, but everyone’s scenario is different. I can’t give individualized relationship recommendations, but if I were back in that situation with my ex-girlfriend, I would have set clear limits about what was tolerable and what was not.

But you can’t go back into the past; you can only learn from it and make better decisions later.

Fortunately, I’ve been fortunate that most of the women dated proactively caught off contact with their exes (even if they talked about them a lot), because having that person “in the picture” adds unnecessary complications.

But if I were to set boundaries again I would do this. Here’s an example:

IF they continue to talk about their ex without a justification, THEN I will tell them that bringing up prior partners into our relationship damages the connection between us. If they continue to mention previous relationships, I’ll disengage and reconsider a partnership with them, as I need a who is fully present and emotionally available.

Last thoughts,

Missing an ex or talking about them has deeper implications than just “they’re not over them,” because that brings up a lot deeper, greater implications for the longevity of a relationship.

Someone, who is not over their ex, has built a vast, unshakeable identity around their ex. An identity and ego that will require a lot of work to demolish.

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