The Sucker I Dated Couldn’t Have Been More Wrong About His Ego

Remember the time you went on a date and fifteen minutes into the conversation, you start counting down the time to get out of there?

Well, I had one of those dates about a month ago. I sat there — in front of my supposedly charming punk, like steel in a fire — unable to lift a finger — wishing he stopped talking for a second so I can breathe.

He knew I was not just bored with his miniature stories of how he became the all-might savior that lifted his family from poverty. I was also disgusted by his show of self.

Trust me, I do admire confident men. If a man is self-assured and confident, I have no qualms listening to him all day. But this one isn’t just confident, he’s completely full of himself.

On our first date, I figured he was a talker. I don’t remember saying much, but for the two hours I was with him, he talked about his family, different jobs he has done, his breakthrough in life, and yes, his past relationships.

He said he hates dating women who compete with men. In his little brain, women who do not allow a man to rule over them never find happiness and they often never get married.

Ah! Haven’t I heard that before?

Mind you, this man has never married. He has children from different women. He pays for their upkeep — money is not an issue. But none of his children lives with him.

We dated for roughly two weeks before I got fed up. I felt like I was suffocating. He doesn’t believe in equal partnership and he will humble you. He will make you feel like a princess while forcing you into submission.

He told me of his ex whom he dated for twenty-three years before she passed away. I imagined she had died of cardiac arrest considering the trauma he must have put her through.

But to give him the benefit of doubt, I asked about her as kindly as I could to avoid triggering more lectures from this misplaced self of a man.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

He spoke of her with pride and arrogance. He said she was obedient. She never argued or questioned his judgement. She was a full-time live-in partner. Provided for her and their two boys.

She never asked for anything because she lacked nothing. He was the stand-up boyfriend. Even though he had one of his side chicks working as his secretary. His ex never made a fuzz when she found out.

Get this; because she knew “he had all rights as a man to date as many women as he wants,” he exasperated.

I replied him, “So did your girlfriend since she wasn’t married to you.” He got offended — as if I had attacked his manhood.

He said that we (feminist women) are poison to society. We corrupt other women to challenge men.

He said his girlfriend never dated another man because he was more than enough for her. That she couldn’t have found anyone better than him if she had tried.

Now this man isn’t some teenage boy confused about his masculinity. And he’s not narcissistic or bipolar even though he showed some recipes of both.

No. This man was sixty-eight years old — highly educated, and prestigious — a pain in the ass douche.

But a generous giver. I give him that.

He sees the world through a mirrored lens. You can’t beat him in an argument so no need to get him roused.

I like dating older men. I like that they are knowledgeable and well-cultured. I’ve learned more from older men — whether it’s psychologically, economically or socially — than I have of younger men. If I were to rate them on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say older men are eight times more respectful to women than younger men.

However, some older men are too egocentric that it suffocates the people in their lives. There is a difference between self-confidence and ego. If the man has a misplaced identity of who he is, that can mess up his confidence leaving him insecure and full of self-loathing.

How to deal with an egocentric partner without loving yourself

“The ego is the false self — born out of fear and defensiveness.” ~John O’Donohue

According to the date in my story, ego is power — a tool for dominating and empowering others. Considering the way he manipulated me in our short relationship, the man couldn’t be any less cynical.

However, he isn’t entirely wrong in his definition of ego. When ego is a separate identity from self, it manifests itself in the mind as a false master. It controls you, instead of you taking control of it. We see this type of destructive ego in people with a narcissistic and borderline personality disorder.

When we speak of ego, there’s a negative energy that flows through our veins. We know that ego can be destructive. It’s a negative psychological pattern that controls our actions.

We project the negative sides of ego too often as the demon living within us. We believe ego should be destroyed or killed.

I’ve also tried to silence the egotistic side of me. But failed. Because ego is part of our psychological makeup and it never goes away.

Everyone has an ego. It is our identity. A representation of who we are as a person. Without ego, we lose our sense of self. Ego helps you get what you need from the world and prevents you from losing what you have. When you see a mother defending her child from an abuser, that’s her protective ego on guard.

Ego can take two different forms in our brains — the good and the bad. The bad ego is the destructive kind. It poses as the tyrant or dictator. While the good ego is the loyal and sublime servant.

As a servant, ego can help you make effective decisions, analyze problems through logical reasoning, brainstorm ideas and flourish in anything you set your mind to do.

Technically speaking, ego is another term for self. How you see yourself is an expression of your ego. A healthy ego can be a tool for growth and support to you and others.

So instead of wishing to kill your ego, you can learn to use your ego in a healthy way that doesn’t lead to self-destruction or cause harm to others.

Giving yourself more love

Most times people with excessive egos hide their insecurities with fake confidence. True confidence is not threatened by anyone.

And only when you love yourself will you be able to attract confident men who do not flaunt their egos to seduce people. When you love yourself and truly appreciate yourself, you feel more confident about who you let into your life.

Be more self-aware

Do you know that what you put into your brain is what you get out? Most people say a lot of negative things to themselves. When you focus your mind on shitty compliments about yourself, you do not see verbal abuse as abuse. The problem is other forms of abuse begins with verbal ones.

You will tolerate degrading actions towards you because you think such actions are normal. If you can look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I’m stupid,” or “I’m a loser,” then that is how others will see you and treat you as such.

Show yourself compassion

Our ego desires peace and happiness but the way we go about achieving these goals can be detrimental to our health. Some people become dependent on other people for happiness, while some will do anything to find peace in their life, including being a slave to others.

The higher your ego, the higher the chances of being in situations that bring you temporary peace. However, with self-compassion, you learn to recognize those people who take advantage of you. You will stop accepting judgements that cause you pain.

Learn to be in your own space

Yes, I get the fact that you don’t want to be alone. But when you are in the company of an egoistic man who does nothing but tell you what you should do and how to live your life, you will realize that being alone is more comforting and rewarding.

According to experts, people who practice self-compassion are more likely to have better relationships with themselves and others. They feel emotionally aware of what happens around them. They don’t seek validation from others and they can protect themselves from people with emotional disorders.

Take responsibility for yourself alone

When you are in a relationship, instinctively you want to make your partner happy. You want them to feel comfortable sharing their problem with you and you have the desire to help them achieve their dreams.

When you have low self-esteem, you overemphasize your importance in someone’s life and take on the responsibility for their feelings and actions.

By trying to be responsible for others’ feelings, you give them the power to abuse. For an egomaniac, he will manipulate, gaslight and guilt trip you till you lose your true essence.

Respect your boundaries

If you have been in a long relationship with an egomaniac, chances are you have strong boundaries so he doesn’t walk all over you, or you have no boundaries so he controls you.

Well, if the latter is the case, then start by laying down some ground rules from today. By creating strong boundaries, you are stating ‘what is okay’ or ‘not okay’ with you in a relationship. You learn to recognize energy suckers — people who put you down and disregard your feelings.

You will constantly feel depressed, belittled, unhappy and worthless when you date a man with too much ego.

Consider taking a break from the relationship and reassess why you want to remain in the relationship.

If the relationship is not adding value to your life or you feel like you are mental health is depreciating, it may be time to quit and move on. Your time and energy are limited resources you shouldn’t put in the hands of people who don’t value your presence in their lives.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***