Vironika Tugaleva shares a simple but not easy solution to the cycle of abuse.
I spent much of my life choosing to be a victim, unaware I was making a choice. In that state, I was abused physically, emotionally and sexually. When I’d had enough, I verbally and emotionally abused others.
Then, I had a spiritual awakening—and now I help people on both sides of that dynamic.
When it comes to the cycle of violence, I’ve been all the way around, I know the way out, and it isn’t through imprisoning the bullies or making new policies. The way out is incredibly simple, but of course (like everything simple) it isn’t easy.
In our culture, people are taught to suppress, ignore, or judge anger, while its real message goes unnoticed.
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Before I got into my life’s work, I’d imagine teaching spirituality and I’d think of soft lighting, burning sage, and whispered, soft tones. I most certainly did not picture raging, spit-in-your-eyeball, insult-filled interactions between my calm, relaxed self and one unbalanced person after another. I didn’t imagine having to be triggered into memories of my worst victim pain in order to heal the pain of others.
And yet, this happens to me much more often than any sage-burning.
Understanding and releasing emotions, I’ve discovered, is essential to healing and happiness. And no one needs to release joy. We only repress that which we deem to be wrong. In our culture (and many others), people are taught to suppress, ignore, or judge anger, while its real message goes unnoticed.
Let’s rewind to our school days and remember what we’ve learned about anger, judgement, and hostility. We did not learn how to identify anger in ourselves, how to understand its source, or how to manage it without hurting ourselves or others.
By the time we’ve reached adulthood, most of us have learned one thing: Anger = bad. Bad = hide.
And so, we hide. We experience frustration, irritation, and angry thoughts. We bottle them and bottle them until, one day, they explode. Or, there are those who refuse to bottle and who explode with anger at any given moment. Ask those people if they believe they’re good or bad, and you’ll see that the learned equivalence stands true.
The idea that anger is bad and something to be hidden keeps many people from the healing and happiness that they so desperately desire.
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So, back to me being yelled at. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t like it at first, I didn’t choose it, and, no, I don’t have an inner masochistic drive that compels me to seek out abuse.
The more I’ve practiced unconditional love towards myself and others, the more I’ve realized that, from the outside, compassion toward someone who is angry can look a whole lot like allowing abuse. In fact, it looks almost identical. From the inside, however, it’s completely different. The difference between compassion and abuse is mindset.
Let’s say you come up to me and say, “You’re worthless. You’re a piece of crap. You have no idea what you’re talking about and you deserve to die.”
Those are pretty powerful words. I could really get hurt if I wanted to. In fact, for much of my life, I would hear words like that and I would get hurt. I would take every single word at face value. “You” would mean you.
Now, here’s how I hear those words: “I’m worthless. I’m a piece of crap. I have no idea what I’m talking about and I deserve to die.”
“You” means “I.”
Does it mean that whoever is speaking those words is, in fact, worthless and death-deserving? Of course not. It simply means that the insults that a person spouts at me are simply reflections of his own view of himself. There is no “You” that cannot be translated into an “I.”
Helping someone heal is very different from helping someone keep their own healing at bay while they blame you.
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The one who abuses and erupts with anger is simply projecting her own reality onto another person. If you’ve been the victim of anger, slander, or judgement, it had absolutely nothing to do with you. If you allow your mind to wander to those situations and switch each “You,” “They,” “She,” and “He” with “I,” you’ll certainly see what I’m talking about.
I’m not advocating that you continue to put yourself in the face of someone who’s projecting their own negative self-image. Helping someone heal is very different from helping someone keep their own healing at bay while they blame you. Though, once again, it may look just the same.
In the cycle of violence, it is not only the bully who is projecting. The victim who stays, simply reinforcing the cycles, is projecting as well.
If you listen to someone say “You are worthless” and you hear that pronoun as is, there’s a validation process happening there. If I take “You” to mean “You,” then those insults validate some belief in my head that says I am, in fact, worthless. I stay because I believe it.
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So here we come to another interesting concept: the victim and the bully need each other. Neither is better than the other. Both are holding off their own process of healing, because both do not realize their true power.
With spiritual awareness, there is no need to dominate and no need to be dominated. There’s no use in trying to get power or play any power dynamics, because there’s always a bountiful, abundant source of power within.
And, thus, compassion is the process of being in the place of the victim, but with the mindset of a powerful, eternal spirit who cannot be harmed. It is being in the place of the victim, but taking the words and actions of the so-called bully as reflections of his own hatred towards himself.
Love is food. Those among us playing bullies as well as those playing victims are hungry, desperately hungry.
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If I hear “You’re nothing” and I see that what she really means is “I’m nothing,” how can I do anything but embrace her? How can I do anything but show compassion to a person who is clearly in pain?
And yet, the bully inflicts pain so he doesn’t look like he’s in pain.
How many men and women have found themselves in a relationship with a person who hurt them simply because they felt worthless? And how many of those men and women stayed in that relationship because that projected hurt validated their own feelings of worthlessness?
It’s sad and it’s completely fixable. To fix it, we don’t need to punish anyone more. We don’t need to take anyone’s privileges away. We just need to love more. We need to love ourselves and everyone around us even more, even in anger, even in pain.
Instead of playing a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-bad-guy and trying to point the finger towards who’s deserving or undeserving of compassion, I say we take a moment and stop playing the game. Just for a second. I say we take a second to examine the little, tiny belief that’s at the core of the madness.
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Anger is not bad. Anger is a natural response to self-judgement. Violence is not bad. Violence is a natural response to overflowing shame. Rudeness is not bad. It is a natural response to self-loathing.
There is no good and bad. There is only hunger and health. I’ve never, ever worked with someone who had a mood disorder, addiction, or anger problem who could answer “Yes” to the simple first question I ask everyone I work with: “Do you love yourself?”
Love is food. Those among us playing bullies as well as those playing victims are hungry, desperately hungry.
I’m not saying that people don’t get hurt. Of course, even with me, there was the first time that I got hit, the first time I got raped, the first time I got insulted. Those, I had no choice over.
But the toughest thing I ever did was look at my life and see how I’d replayed those first times over and over and over, how I believed myself to be so unworthy of love and so deserving of pain that I sought it out everywhere I went. I thought I was a victim. Now, I know I’m a survivor.
I think, too often, we try to find fault, and it’s a useless search. Fault is meaningless. It’s no one’s fault, but it’s everyone’s responsibility.
Most of us are so busy pointing the finger at others that we forget how difficult it is to really love and accept a person, our most precious person, our own self. Do that and, suddenly, there’s no need to be bigger or smaller than anyone. Do that and, suddenly, you can’t ever be anyone’s victim, nor anyone’s villain.
Image: Flickr/Design Demon Diablo
I’ve had plenty of kids demonstrate sufficient malice, cruelty, and sadism to me (at least in middle school). It wouldn’t be much of a stretch to call some of them evil. However, if I’m reading Tugaleva correctly, the evilness of a bully is ultimately irrelevant. No Hitler didn’t order genocide because he was hurting inside, but he didn’t do it because he was evil either. There were REASONS for the horrible things done by his regime. These reasons don’t justify, excuse or in any way make things better, but the motivations for war and genocide are not unknowable. Similarly the… Read more »
I like your ideas for listening to the message behind the words, but I disagree with your statement “no one needs to release joy.” I’ve repressed a lot of joy in my life, for fear of not being in control. And also resenting that important people in my life have refused to acknowledge my pain. So in my case, I have been learning how to release joy.
Wow, ljane, that’s very interesting. Your comment is making me realize that I, too, repressed joy for some time. After I began to heal, I remember having an onslaught of happy childhood memories – memories I’d completely forgotten. In my search to heal my wounds, I’d forgotten the healthy parts. Thank you for pointing that out. This has given me something to think about (and write about)! 🙂
I refuse to believe that virtually everyone who maliciously inflicts pain upon another does so because he (the bully) is suffering. Sure, there are school bullies who are bullied by their parents at home; but I find it difficult to believe that this is true in the majority of cases. There is a simple reason why some people hurt others: They enjoy doing it. It’s their idea of fun. That’s all there is to it. So, the reason why Hitler and Stalin slaughtered millions of innocent people is because they were hurting inside and were therefore NOT guilty of violating… Read more »
I know how you feel, Bill. I used to think that taking responsibility was the same as taking blame. But it’s not. It’s not about blame. Blame is in the past. The past does not help us deal with the present, nor approach the future. I give just as much compassion to victims as I do to bullies, to those who hurt as those who have been hurt, and I find too often that those who hurt have a history of being hurt. It’s not in our nature to maliciously harm one another when we feel connected and peaceful. But… Read more »
(Private note)..This maybe not appropriate to the thread ,hence privacy..Have you heard of the non dual teacher Ramesh Balsekar..He was caught manipulating or least asking if u want to be kind, his devotees into giving him hand jobs when they volunteered to massage him..This finally came out in a retreat and he was confronted by 3 women..His response which went along with his non dual teaching of there is no doer..”I am sorry if anyone got hurt from this”..Do you hear it love..He did not take responsibility…and it went ,and in my opinion exposed,the non dual teaching..I have been living… Read more »
I can say I’m a man, but I am not one. I can call myself a deer, a Christmas tree, or a bucket of nails. Many people call themselves Christians and then deny love and forgiveness to people. Calling oneself something does not make it so. Using something as an excuse does not invalidate it. I could say I slapped you because apathy is wrong and slapping you means I care. I find myself unable to speak to many of my colleagues in the spiritual community because our view of the world is so different. I love and admire people.… Read more »
I’m sorry but no. I don’t need the bullies, my whole life all I have wanted is to be left alone. My happiest memories are of being alone exploring the world, no bullies required or wanted. If you can explain to me how shoving a kid under water for 2 minutes day after day helps someone feel better about themselves go ahead. If you can explain how breaking kids noses, punching them in the kidneys until they pee blood, beating them every day for years helps them feel better about themselves go ahead. If you can explain how being strangled… Read more »
I’m sorry for your pain, David. I see you’ve suffered greatly and that’s not right.
I assure you that they didn’t mean to bring you suffering. Only those who suffer cause suffering.
And forgiving them is a gift to you, not a permission slip to those who have hurt you.
I send you peace.
I could use the peace, more than ever now, but forgiveness is not mine to give unless it has been asked for. I’m not capable of forgiving someone who hasn’t recognised what they have done is wrong, they are mear animals until they show me they are at least capable of being human. Animals don’t have control of their actions, humans do, there is nothing to forgive an animal for, they are what they are. I’m near 40 now and I’m still very much struggling with what was done to me as a kid and more recently in an abusive… Read more »
I think the peace you seek, David, lies in the realization that people who hurt people don’t have control of their actions. They were acting as animals. And continue to do so. It’s an epidemic. Most people are not in touch with anything except their lizard brain. But you are. You’ve experienced pain. It may not feel like it, but pain in this day and age is actually a privilege. It’s the chance to wake up from this conditioning and realize your immense inner power. Yes, you’ve suffered, and greatly, but you’re still here! Aren’t you wonderful? Aren’t you powerful?… Read more »
Have you investigated the effects of parents spanking their kids ?. Kids are in an involuntary relationship with there parents.. .When I hear there is no good or bad,I can only assume ,A)You have not looked at the evidence, B)You were also spanked and never processed the event and therefore condone it.. C)You have not investigated the effects of circumcision inflicted on kids. Read this article to a kid,and you may realize how insulting it is.. Kids are in no way responsible to love there there parents..In spite of new age woo..woo there is no evidence we chose them,another diversion… Read more »
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Noel. I have been through my share of abuse and I think that there is a big difference between accepting what’s happened and promoting it. I’m talking about forgiveness and compassion, which is the only way that we can all make it out alive. Critical thinking may have its place, but it doesn’t help people heal. Love does.
You are very welcome.I am so sorry to here you have been through abuse also..Over 90% of Americans have been spanked by their parents.I also define bullying by parents as threatening,ignoring,intimating,shaming,isolating,ridicule and manipulation…We are imprinted by our parents and actually pick our romantic partners by how they related to us..So the cycle of abuse goes on and on..In no way I find that as acceptable behavior of parents.I have to accept that it happened and in no way need to forgive in order to find peace…Truly we will only be as responsible to that we assign to our parents..When I… Read more »
I think, ironically enough, all the time I spent condemning my parents for their actions just led me down the path of being exactly the same person. I would think of anger as wrong, bottle it, and then let it explode. It was only when I saw their actions as a result of self-loathing that I forgave them completely. I forgave them by accepting that there’s a part of me that COULD turn violent if I was desperate and suffering enough. That acceptance allowed me to feed myself. That acceptance allowed me to never become desperate. I think nondualism, total… Read more »
AH..Maybe I did not make myself clear..I am not suggesting you condemn the parents..Condemn the action…If the parent then acknowledges the abuse forgiveness is possible..I too explored non dualism for 15 yrs ..I found ,and not saying this about you,there was a conflict in the theories of ,its all good and abuse..I reconciled this by seeing non dual is not a theory of taking away the polarities of good/bad..It is acknowledging the good and the bad…and meeting them as wholeness, love and understanding..Not enabling and discrediting the abuse as not there..Lovely to debate with you..
Yes, noel. I agree. I think detachment is a TOOL we can use to find ourselves again. In order to support someone, I MUST detach, otherwise my monkey brain goes haywire saying “Why are you in front of this angry person? Go! Go! Go!” But, of course, I must re-attach. Permanent detachment already awaits me in death. There’s no need for me to live like a spirit in every moment, while I have this amazing body with which I can do things! I can see why you’d say staying there permanently would mean apathy. I think it would too.