The Victim Competition in Intimate Relationships

As with any article regarding a persecutor-victim dynamic, I want to emphasize that I do not condone any form of verbal, emotional, or sexual violence.

As a couples therapist, I often see couples engage in an unconscious dynamic in the form of a “competition” as to who is suffering more in the relationship: Whenever one partner shares their pain, the other immediately declares that they are actually suffering more.

I choose to see this rivalry as part of the victim triangle dynamic (that I’ve described in depth in this post). This is a dynamic where partners constantly fluctuate between the roles of victim, persecutor, and savior.

It has been my experience that sometimes one partner agrees to constantly lose the competition, therefore being labeled as the cold aggressive partner[1].

Why does this competition happen?

It doesn’t make sense that couples would compete on who is suffering more, yet there are three reasons for this:

1. Limiting core beliefs. These lead to a reactive, symbiotic dynamic in a relationship. A few examples would be:

• “Feelings are a burden.” Many people grow up believing that sharing feelings is not desirable or helpful in relationships. This leads to shame and avoidance of sharing frustrations and disappointments.
• “Your pain is my responsibility.” This leads to the listener feeling the burden of the need to “fix” or “heal” their partner’s pain.
• “It’s either your pain or my pain.” Focusing and giving space for your pain means that I’m not hurting too.

2. Lack of ownership of one’s shadow. Most people don’t take ownership over their shadow parts — that is, those parts that we might like to deny (anger, sexuality, vulnerability, dependence). This is often especially true in relationships. This lack of ownership leads to difficulty in letting their partner’s feedback “land.” In other words, it’s much easier to project your fears and frustrations onto your partner claiming “you did this and you did that” rather than saying “I’m feeling really scared and insecure right now.”

3. Fear of being experienced as aggressive or as a persecutor. Many of us have a complicated issue with aggression, leading to a fear that we will be left if we express our aggression. Partners often avoid at all costs being labeled the aggressive partner. Men are increasingly becoming aware of any alleged violation of power.

What does the victim winner win?

There are three major prizes for the winner of this competition:

1. The winner is crowned the bigger victim. Since “love=pity” is a key presupposition that maintains the victim triangle, the winner gets the most (negative) attention such as pity, extra groveling, or defeated service.
2. The winner dictates the couple’s narrative. The victim gets to dictate the final “official” narrative by blaming the other partner for whatever negative behavior occurred. For example: “I only yelled and broke that plate because you forgot to call me all day.”
3. The runner-up is cast as the persecutor. The loser becomes the aggressive, insensitive, cold partner. They must now repent and appease the victim. This also helps the victim avoid self-confrontation and responsibility.

“You can be right, or you can be married. Which one do you choose?”

Even if your subjective experience is right, this competition leads to resentments, avoidance, pain, and even breakup. When we become more differentiated, we move from the either/or prism to the yes/and view, where subjective is the new objective.

Here are a few steps that can help you avoid the victim competition:

• Share this article with your partner and reflect separately and together as to if and how this dynamic is present in your relationship.
• Own your shadow. No one is perfect or an angel. Admit your faults first to yourself and then to your partner. “You always hurt the one you love,” so admit that at times, you, too, may hurt your partner. The more comfortable we are with our own aggression and shortcomings, the easier it becomes to take responsibility and the less need to deflect or go for a counterattack.
• Let it land. Replace defensiveness with curiosity. There is a good probability that there is a kernel of truth in your partner’s feedback, even if at first that’s not how you experience it. Take a moment and let your partner’s words penetrate you. Resist the urge to fight back, and breathe it in. If you are lucky, you might even discover another blind spot or shadow that you have been ignoring.
• Say the thing. Dare to verbalize this dynamic playfully as it is happening. When you notice that you are competing with your partner on pain points, stop and “name it to tame it.” Adding play can increase the chances that your partner will listen and avoid flooding and further escalation of the competition.

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Previously Published on Psychology Today

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