The Woman I Fell in Love With

The world is spinning. I have lost my footing. What was, is gone, or at least hiding. But it happened. It was real. Today, I struggle to believe that my pre-Covid life existed. Travel, working with people in intimate and breath-taking settings around the world, writing, and teaching. I have pictures to prove it but can hardly believe it.

But that was before. It was before my divorce blew up in my face. It was before Covid destroyed my business. It was before everything was forced to change-forced because of other people’s greed with a side of Covid, if I am really honest.

I never realized that I was a prize to be won. I never imagined that I could be possessed, like an object. How many times could I get it wrong? Apparently 2…maybe 3. I guess time will tell.

But before Covid, while working my ass off, I fell in love with her. She was beautiful. Sadly, it was a very sick human who initiated our meeting. But he had a gift…and it wasn’t integrity. But his ability to hold up a mirror and show me “her”, was real. It was very real. And I fell in love with her.

She was emerging from a pupa with thick, hard, and almost impervious walls. She was sticking out one wing, then the next, trying to move them, but had not figured out how to fly…not yet.

At first, though, I thought I was in love with him. It didn’t take too much to realize that he literally could have been anyone. He could have been the most brilliant man on the earth, or the simple farmer next door. It wasn’t about him.

It was finally about her. Just parts of her had ever been nurtured before she met him. The domestic, nurturing, musical, and perpetually-working, serving, self-sacrificing, and indiscriminately loving her had been loved. She was always nice, sweet, smiling, and always had kind and encouraging things to say. She was never demanding nor irritable. That would have been unacceptable.

She learned how to make herself incredibly small and without needs. She needed nothing, really. She found herself unable to ask for anything she needed even if she had. She had her children and her endless, tireless, and thankless work.

She learned to make the best of it, no matter the circumstance. And she was proud of herself for doing so. She rose early, never sleeping in, never expecting anyone to care for her. She listened to people be critical and unsupportive of her choices. But in the same breath, made room for their misunderstandings and possibly difficult pasts, allowing them to hurt her the way they did.

And they all did. They all hurt her in some way. Some meant to. Others did not. And yet she kept going.

But now…now she looked at herself, the former herself. She could not go back inside that hard shell, now broken open, in shreds and on the ground. There was no way back.

She wanted to look at herself for one damn minute.

She was colorful, wings spread wide and powerful. She had enough room to love everyone and everything in her big heart. She could even love herself, for the first time. I loved her and there was no looking away.

She has found her way south and back several times since he showed her to herself in that most magical and accurate of mirrors. She may continue to journey back and forth for quite some time. But her beauty is something that I will never forget. I will hold on until she comes to stay, to remain with me, here, until we both perish.

The light in her eyes, the liveliness of her movement, the love in her smile, the warmth of her embrace, and the razor-focused vision for her future made me fall in love with her.

How could I help it? She is everything I ever wanted.

—

Previously Published on medium

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: Shutterstock