The Worst Possible Response to Someone Being Upset

Epic failure

I had an ex who believed the best thing he could do when I was hurt or upset with him was to leave me alone and hope that the next morning, I would wake up, forget about it, and be fine.

Let me be blunt.

If you want someone with a 3-second memory, date a goldfish.

Not a human. And definitely not a woman.

Nothing fueled the hurt and anger more than dismissing it like it was my problem to “get over”. Especially when my feelings were valid and a direct result of his behavior.

He rarely took ownership of what he did, and even worse, if he did apologize, it was an exasperated, “I’m sorry!” that felt more obligatory than sincere.

It felt like he said it only with the hope that those two words would shut me up.

So. That approach clearly failed.

As did the relationship.

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Breaks must be repaired

If you break a bone, it doesn’t get fixed by promising not to break it again. It’s broken. And it will never work the way it did before without proper repair and healing.

The bone needs the damage to be repaired.

Depending on how you repair it, that bone may end up stronger than it was before, or it may be more easily broken with even less force.

Relationships are the same way. When there is a problem, the problem must be fixed, repaired, and fully resolved. You must face it head-on.

You must “make right” by the person.

They must be made whole again.

Otherwise, they can never fully move forward with you.

Or worse, they may refuse to do so.

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Fix, build, and restore

Failing to resolve what is broken will leave an open wound that will never fully heal, and if it does, it won’t heal right. It will get easily infected or worse, it may escalate into a sudden fatality.

Insisting that you won’t do “x” again doesn’t fix the damage that was done.

If a person dismisses past damage enough, over time, they will have a far greater problem on their hands. One that they can’t solve.

Ignoring past damage is the fastest way of ensuring that old wounds ultimately destroy a relationship.

Which can be so easily avoided.

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Making them whole

If your person says, “You never do what you promise, ” you must do more than follow through the next time you promise something.

It means that you look at where you didn’t follow through before — and you resolve those first.

You must make right on past and existing damage.

This is how you make the person whole. And then you prove your commitment to doing right with your actions moving forward.

To have a shot at restoring a broken relationship, one must be willing and able to make the person feel whole again. In some cases, this means you go above and beyond to restore their trust.

Don’t just say, “I’ll never lie to you again.” You must address the lies you’ve already told, take full ownership, and make the person whole again to the best of your ability.

You must actively build and restore trust so your person feels safe and secure with you once again.

Because if you don’t, they never will.

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How to do it right

If your person has conveyed they feel hurt or upset with you, if there is validity to their pain and you are part of it, you are wholly responsible for taking ownership and making an apology that goes beyond two words and a hopeful face.

And ladies, this applies to us too. I’ve been told that I may be the only woman on earth who apologizes when I’ve done wrong.

Please prove them wrong and show that women take ownership too.

If your person is upset enough that they don’t want any contact with you, make your final words the apology they deserve. Don’t say, “I’m always here for you” because no one goes back to the psycho ex who hurts others without showing any remorse.

You can always ask for a chance to make right if there is unresolved damage that you can address.

That one act alone can turn that car right back around.

The story above details how I do my apologies — and I do them in two parts! For me, this has been the most effective way of fully restoring trust and deepening the connection with my person after an incident that hurt them.

Any time I’ve done this, we have come out far stronger.

Why? Because this method shows them that I can be trusted to make right, to make them whole, and to take full ownership of my actions.

And that goes a long way in any relationship. ❤

🙋🏻‍♀️ I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments — chime in!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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